Have you ever been in a position where you want to empathize with someone, even when you don’t agree with their opinion or reaction?
That can be a tricky conversation to navigate because emotions aren’t always rational or reasonable. People can feel very strongly about something, even when objectively, the situation might not justify it.
What’s more, our emotions are heavily influenced by our genetics and prior life experiences. Two people can experience the exact same event but have completely different, but legitimate, emotional responses.
That situation can be awkward, but it doesn’t have to be. You can navigate it with the help of some of these phrases.
9 phrases that empathize with how someone feels, even if you disagree with them:
1. “I can see why you would feel that way.”
This is a phrase of validation. It’s saying, “I am clearly hearing that you feel the way that you do; I just don’t agree.”
Sometimes, validation is the best thing you can give because often, people just want to be seen. They want other people to take the time to try to understand or care about their point of view, even if they don’t agree with it.
The unfortunate truth is that there are a lot of people who are overlooked or whose feelings aren’t respected, so giving them that courtesy can go along way.
This doesn’t say, “I agree. You are right,” but it still offers empathy. You don’t have to agree with someone or have walked in their shoes to accept that their experience and feelings are real to them.
2. “I can understand why this is important to you.”
In my own life, I let a previous romantic partner down because I was not as involved in her professional life as I could have been.
In her profession, it was normal for spouses and significant others to show up for community events. But I didn’t go because I’m not really a community events kind of guy. I didn’t see a reason for me to be there, and she said she didn’t really care.
But it turns out she did care, and it was important to her.
Had I known that sooner, I would have made the effort and gone. I would have been a good +1 and done whatever it was she needed me to do while there. I just didn’t see or understand why it was so important. But I don’t have to. Our opinions can differ, and I can choose to be supportive even if I don’t agree.
3. “I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling that way.”
Empathy does not require agreement. It only requires the ability to accept that other people may feel different about the same thing.
Most people misunderstand this about empathy.
Just because someone’s feelings are different than yours doesn’t mean those feelings are wrong. In fact, in some cases, both of you may be right for different reasons. That’s happened to me more times than I can remember.
In that scenario, validation is the way to build a bridge. You’re acknowledging their feelings and expressing that you empathize with their position. That doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that you accept that they feel that way.
4. “You don’t have to convince me that you felt hurt.”
Some people are conditioned to believe that their feelings aren’t as important as other people’s.
Survivors of domestic abuse, for example, may have a hard time expressing their emotional needs because their partner or parents made them feel inadequate. A manipulator generally doesn’t want their victim to make good emotional decisions; otherwise, they would leave. The result is that the victim is taught to undermine themselves.
As such, if you find yourself talking to someone with a trauma background or who has experienced a lot of emotional invalidation in the past, you may find they feel compelled to try to justify their emotions. This phrase can help in that situation.
Again, it’s another type of validation. It’s saying, “I see you and your pain. I understand that this hurt you.” And you don’t need to agree or disagree with the person. One of the most powerful things you can learn to do is to abstain from having or giving an opinion.
I often find myself asking, “Do I have to have an opinion about this?” In many situations, the answer is simply “no”.
5. “That sounds like it really hurt you.”
As a young man, I wasn’t very emotionally intelligent. I made a mistake that so many people do; a mistake that can damage your relationships: I regularly dismissed other people’s feelings because I wouldn’t feel that way in that situation.
Now, I am autistic, and I have bipolar disorder. My emotional landscape is not what anyone would consider typical. I can’t tell you how many people I upset or made feel small because I looked at their situation and thought, “Eh. That’s not a big deal.”
Not because it wasn’t actually a big deal. It was a big deal to them. It just wasn’t to me.
I made the mistake of thinking that they should feel how I did. The reality is that a majority of people don’t feel the way that I do. As such, this phrase can be excellent for demonstrating empathy and validation, even when you wouldn’t feel the same way about something.
6. “That makes more sense now that I’ve heard how you feel.”
It’s odd. All the advice people give you to “try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” In reality, I found I became more connected to others by not trying to do that.
After all, can you ever really understand what someone else is going through? You’re not them, so even if you try to imagine it, it’s still an idea coming from your imagination based on your experience.
Instead, I just try to listen and accept what I’m hearing rather than imposing my own worldview and emotions on their situation. The way they feel isn’t wrong. I accept that maybe I just don’t understand their problem well enough, or that I just don’t have the neurology or life experiences that have led them to where they are emotionally.
After some discussion, I may be in a position to better understand. I just have to be patient, suspend my opinions, and listen. Learning to be a good listener is a cheat code for building bridges.
7. “I understand why you did what you did, but I don’t agree with it.”
There’s that old saying that sometimes you have to “agree to disagree.”
Now, some nuance is required here. Some people take it to mean they can hold terrible opinions about other people that are objectively wrong and prejudicial. I don’t believe you have to agree to disagree with someone on matters related to respect, nor should you agree to disagree with disrespectful behavior.
But agreeing to disagree is looking at a situation, realizing that neither of you is going to change your mind, and letting it go. This is where “I understand why you did what you did, but I don’t agree with it” can come in handy.
Alternatively, you may look at a situation and think that someone behaved badly but had a good reason to. Personally, I’m pretty forgiving when someone is going through a hard time. People going through hard times are often rude or unpleasant because they don’t have the emotional battery to be civil.
I can understand that behavior, even though I don’t agree with it.
8. “I can see how you got there.”
This phrase is helpful when you understand the chain of events that happened, but you don’t necessarily agree with how the other person received the outcome. For example, you may feel like they are overreacting or not responding correctly to the chain of events.
Again, it’s another situation where you want to suspend your own opinions and just try to hear what they’re saying.
As you listen, you may also find that you weren’t fully aware of the entire chain of events. Instead, you may find that you missed out on an important event or two that would dramatically change your opinion of the situation. That’s why it’s always good to listen without judgment.
9. “I don’t have to agree with you to take your feelings seriously.”
I have found myself in a position to say this a couple of times in my life.
Sometimes, people are just unheard, or their emotions aren’t treated as though they’re important. As such, simple acknowledgment and validation may be all that they want.
You don’t have to agree with that person’s emotions or interpretation of events to acknowledge them as valid. You can still take them seriously.
How do you do that? Well, you sit down, and you listen.
You don’t impose or give your own opinions unless you’re asked for them. You simply receive the information without judgment and trust that what they are telling you is real for them.
Final thoughts…
You may notice there are a lot of common threads in these phrases. Many of them boil down to validation and trying to withhold judgment of what the other person is feeling.
I cannot tell you how valuable it is for all of your relationships to learn to listen and receive without judgment.
You don’t need to have an opinion on everything. You also don’t have to agree on everything with everyone.
Instead, just communicate that you understand, or that you’re doing the best that you can to understand them, even if you don’t agree with them. That’ll take you much farther than you might imagine.
