There are two men in your life at the moment.
Or, rather, there are two men on the periphery of your life, and you feel like there’s potential for romance with both of them.
You’re feeling more than a bit confused.
You haven’t yet gotten to know either of them that well, but it’s coming to the point where you have to decide who the right man for you is.
You’re going to have to choose the guy that you want to dedicate your time to in the hopes that a long-term, healthy relationship could blossom between the two of you.
These questions should help you figure out who that guy is.
19 Questions To Ask Yourself To Help You Decide Between Two Guys
1. What do they want out of a relationship?
Have you talked about what they want out of a relationship?
There’s no point analyzing every aspect of their personality to try to figure out if either of them is Mr. Right if you don’t know what their intentions are.
You may or may not have had ‘the talk’ about what you’re both looking for out of love and life, but if you’ve spent a reasonable amount of time with them, you should have some idea of whether they’re looking for a committed relationship and what their goals are.
If he includes you when discussing future plans or refers to the two of you as ‘we,’ then it’s likely that he’d be open to factoring you into his future.
On the other hand, if he still has Tinder on his phone or makes a point of not introducing you to any of his friends or family members and you only ever seem to meet up for sex rather than just spending time together, then the signs aren’t so good.
2. Is that what you want?
It’s time to be honest with yourself about what you want out of this.
Are you ready for a serious, committed relationship?
If a guy is clearly getting to a stage where he’s thinking about settling down and having babies and you’re a long way from being ready for all that, then that could spell trouble.
If you know you don’t want kids and he’s made it clear that he does, the same applies.
Perhaps you want to see a bit more of the world and maybe live and work somewhere else, but he’s got a job that doesn’t allow for globetrotting.
Whilst we can never know what’s going to happen in the future, if you can see any obvious deal breakers looming with either guy, think hard before pursuing things.
3. How do they feel about you?
Do you actually know how each guy feels about you?
It’s good to know that you want the same things out of life, but no matter how aligned your goals are, that doesn’t mean that they’re head over heels for you.
How do they feel about you?
What makes you think that?
Has either guy actually told you how he feels, or is it all guesswork?
If it’s the latter, then it might be time for ‘the talk,’ so you both know where you stand before deciding how to move forward.
4. Do you clash morally?
Is there anything important on which you have very different opinions?
Do you vote for different political parties?
Are there any religious issues?
How important are these things to you?
5. What attracts you to each guy?
List fans, rejoice. It’s time to break out the trusty notepad.
Take some time (I suggest one evening after a long, hot bubble bath with a nice glass of wine) and write down exactly what it is that draws you to each man.
Some are things they might have in common, but chances are there are some pretty big contrasts between them.
Be honest and get it all down on paper so you’ve got a clear idea of what attracts you to these two guys at the same time.
6. And what doesn’t?
Does anything about them keep you awake at night (in a bad way)?
Whilst someone might seem perfect on the first date, if you’ve known these guys for a while now, you’ll have definitely noticed some things about them that niggle at you or really bother or worry you.
It’s list time again! Write the negative stuff down too, from the small, like their snoring, to the big, like clashing life goals.
Admit what bothers you and ask yourself if any of those things are full-on deal breakers.
7. How do you feel when you’re with them?
Do either of the guys you’re seeing make you sparkle?
Do you feel like they push you to be a better person?
Do they make you feel sexy?
Can you really be yourself with them?
If either of them put you down or make you feel ‘less-than’ in any way, then you’ve got your answer.
8. Do your friends like them?
If your friends have met and like the guy you’re seeing, then they’ll let you know about it.
If they haven’t really given you an opinion, they’re probably lukewarm.
And if they’ve actually told you they don’t like him, then they really don’t like him.
And, I hate to break it to you, but best friends are usually right.
When it comes to our friends, we’re normally far better judges of romantic situations than we are for ourselves.
Even if your friends haven’t met the guys you’re seeing, they’ll have been the ones you’ve debriefed after dates and vented to if anything is frustrating you, so they might be able to remind you of things you’ve conveniently forgotten.
Don’t take your friends’ word as gospel, but try asking for their opinions and carefully consider what they have to say.
9. How are things between you sexually?
Which guy do you have more sexual chemistry with?
You may well not have got to this stage with either man, but even those stolen kisses are a pretty good indication of whether there’s raging chemistry between the two of you.
Sexual chemistry isn’t everything, but it is important.
If you’ve had sex with one or both of them, how did it make you feel?
Do you daydream about it?
Were you satisfied?
Do you read each other well?
10. And if you took the sex away, who would you pick?
This might not help in your situation, but imagine quickly that sex doesn’t enter into the equation.
Does that help you to decide which man is the one for you?
11. Do they accept your flaws?
Which guy knows your flaws and understands that they are part of what makes you YOU?
And which one rubs up against those flaws and tries to change you into someone who better suits them?
Listen, acceptance of your flaws does not mean that they don’t want you to grow or to grow with you. In fact, it’s often only when you can accept another person’s flaws that that person feels willing and able to change.
If one of the guys is trying to force you into being someone you’re not (at least, not right now), then they are probably not the guy for you.
12. How do they treat you?
Who treats you with more respect and courtesy?
Respect, care, a healthy amount of attention and affection… these are the bare minimum you should expect to receive from a man.
Is there any obvious difference in how the two guys you are trying to choose between treat you?
Does one often bail on plans? Do they dominate conversations and not let you get a word in?
Whatever else they might have going for them, if a guy doesn’t treat you right, the other one is probably a better choice.
13. What are your boundaries like?
Boundaries are a healthy part of any relationship, and respecting each other’s boundaries is very important if that relationship is to work.
Whether it’s your time and availability, sexual preferences, financial expectations, or tolerances when it comes to disagreements, do either of the guys disrespect those boundaries?
14. Who makes the most effort?
A person’s actions say a lot more than their words could ever do. One way this manifests in dating is the amount of effort that a guy puts in.
How do the two guys compare in terms of how much they are trying to woo you?
Have they gone the extra mile to do something they knew would mean a lot to you based on what you’ve told them?
Do they still want to go out and do exciting things with you, or are they now “settling” for simple nights in with you. Of course, if you prefer the latter, then that’s perfectly okay and can help you choose between them too.
15. Who actually wants to get to know you?
Who has tried hardest to get to know the REAL you?
Whilst it takes time for two people to truly get to know one another, have either of the guys shown a deeper interest in you as a person beyond the surface-level stuff?
It’s a stereotype (though one with some truth) that men are not as comfortable talking about the more emotional side of things, which can be a bit of a stumbling block in really getting to know someone.
It might just be that one guy takes a little longer to warm up than the other, but it might also show that a deep and meaningful connection is off the cards.
16. How is the communication between you?
It’s been said a million times, but good communication really is essential in a healthy relationship.
How do the two guys compare in this regards? Does one only text when he wants to meet up, whilst the other is in regular contact?
Are they able to speak their mind effectively whilst also listening to you and your point of view?
Have you bickered with either guy at all in the time that you’ve been dating?
17. How do your love languages match up?
People like to receive and express love in different ways. There are five love languages, and having good compatibility between you and your future partner can help make the relationship that bit easier and healthier.
Read our article on these five love languages, and then see if you can determine which ones these two guys speak.
There’s even a short quiz that you can both take to see how compatible you are. It’s a fun way to spend some time with them before you choose between them.
18. Which one is willing and able to share the load?
This can be tricky to work out early on in a relationship, but are there any signs that either guy shuns responsibility and tries to live an easy life by relying on others?
Are they a momma’s boy still? Or do they lead independent lives of their own?
Have either of them made you do most of the organizing when it comes to the dates you’ve been on? Is that because they don’t want to do it themselves?
What about signs of emotional immaturity? Do you see any in either guy?
19. Deep down, who’s the one you really want?
Seriously, though, who can you see next to you on your life’s journey?
You can go round and round in circles over this forever, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve already made a decision deep down.
Listen to that inner voice. It’s nearly always right.
Still not sure which guy to choose? It’s not an easy situation to be in, and it might be all the more difficult if you don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Talking to someone is a great way to get your thoughts and your worries out of your head so you can work through them.
Speak to an experienced relationship expert about it. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours. They can be the ear to listen to you and the voice to offer well-considered advice to help you decide which guy you think has the most potential in the long run.
Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.
While you can try to work through this situation yourself, it may lead to a better outcome if you thrash the decision out with an impartial third party. And if this whole thing is affecting your mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to figure out which path to go down, and they end up making poor choices because of some bias they have or signs they may have missed. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.
Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.
When Do You Have To Choose Between Two Guys?
The point where you have to pick might just be the point when you start to feel a little uncomfortable with the situation.
After all, although it’s completely fine to date multiple people at a time as long as all parties involved know the deal, some of us aren’t cut out for dating multiple people.
You’re the only one who can judge the point at which you no longer feel good about the situation.
On the other hand, make sure a sense of guilt doesn’t get in the way of you giving a potential relationship a chance.
Until you’re exclusive with someone, it’s important to keep your options open.
But it might not necessarily be you that dictates when you need to pick a lane. One of the guys you’re seeing could bring up exclusivity and force you to choose.
If a guy wants to be exclusive with you, then, of course, it’s time to decide whether that’s something you want with them, as it will mean calling things off with man number two.
I know, I know. It’s frustrating, but men are very often like buses. You wait years for one to come along, and then two come along at once.
Better Alone Than In Bad Company
It’s important to remember through all this that as well as man A and man B, there is another option: Neither.
You don’t have to pick one.
If you can’t decide between two guys, that might be because neither of them is all that special.
In which case, your best option is to go back to living a single life until someone comes along that leaves you in absolutely no doubt that they’re the one for you.
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