Your partner has pointed out that you frequently complain, whether it’s about your relationship, your job, your friends, or any other aspect of your life. And they’re fed up with it.
While it’s ok to vent, particularly when you’re going through a rough time, endless complaining drains even the most patient partner and it’s probably also damaging your relationship.
So why are you complaining so much? And how can you stop before you drive your partner away and destroy your relationship?
1. You have a glass half empty attitude.
Perhaps you always assume the worst-case scenario and have a pessimistic outlook on life. According to the experts at Calm, chronic complainers often see the negative side of everything, and they’re not afraid to point it out. But there’s usually something positive in every negative situation, it just depends on how you look at it.
For instance, maybe you lost your job. This sounds like a valid excuse to feel bad about yourself. However, what if it is actually an opportunity that will lead you to a new, better, and more fulfilling career?
When you are overly focused on the negative side of everything, you are overly critical too. You likely see your partner’s flaws and shortcomings and frequently bring them up. You probably criticize your partner to the point that they don’t believe they’ll ever be good enough for you.
Instead of complaining that your partner doesn’t do enough or does it all wrong, focus on the things they are doing and acknowledge them. You could use the “magic ratio” that psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman came up with. For every one negative thing you spot, seek out five positive things your partner does and acknowledge them. If you don’t, you’ll hurt their self-esteem and damage the relationship by constantly pointing out everything negative about it.
2. You think if you nag enough, your partner will change (they won’t).
When you are constantly repeating the same general complaints or finding fault with someone, you are nagging, and nobody likes being nagged. If something clearly shows no results, it makes no sense in repeating it over and over again. If you keep nagging your partner, they’ll just be annoyed and either ignore you or get angry. Nagging only makes things worse, not better.
If complaining about something doesn’t work, approach it differently. Instead of constantly repeating yourself, calmly discuss the issue and offer solutions. According to Very Well Mind, if you constantly air your negativity without offering any solutions, it’s a clear sign you are complaining too much.
So, focus on finding a solution together and form your complaints into specific suggestions. Be open to making compromises too. Don’t blame your partner or bring up their mistakes from the past. For instance, instead of saying “You never wash your dishes,” you can say something like, “Let’s make a deal that every Sunday I make us lunch and you wash the dishes.”
3. You resent your partner.
Perhaps you complain all the time because you can’t forgive your partner for something they did. If you resent them, you might complain about unimportant things because of the underlying issue. According to Psych Central, when you are harboring bitterness toward your partner, it often explodes out of you in the form of unexpected anger.
For instance, you might start a huge fight over dirty socks on the floor when you’re actually still mad at your partner for cheating on you or because you didn’t work through your feelings from a previous argument. When you complain all the time, the issue might not be about the things you mention but rather the things that you can’t forget.
You have only two choices really. Either you forgive your partner and let it go, or you end the relationship because of what you can’t forgive. If you want to save the relationship, work on rebuilding what was broken, not tearing them down at every opportunity you get.
4. You blame them for everything rather than taking your fair share of the responsibility.
Maybe you complain a lot because you think your partner makes a lot of mistakes in your relationship. This is likely a terrible feeling for them because they probably want to make you happy. Knowing that they have failed and that you’re happy to rub that in their face will hurt them and ruin their self-esteem. Instead of calmly discussing possible solutions with you, they will get defensive, maybe even angry, and it will turn into a fight.
It doesn’t really matter whose fault it is, the important thing is to figure out how to fix it. Besides, you’re usually both at fault when there are problems in a relationship. As they say, it takes two to tango. So, point out possible solutions to a problem instead of blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong.
5. You think in absolutes.
Do you often use the words “always” and “never” when you complain about your partner? They always forget to take the trash out, or they never clean up the mess after a party. In life, absolutes rarely paint an accurate picture.
They probably sometimes do these things, and you turned it into “never.” Always and never are very rarely true statements.
Instead of using absolutes, describe exactly what bothers you. Don’t say, “You never clean up the mess after a party.” Instead, say something like, “I’d appreciate it if you would clean up the mess after a party next time since I did it the last time we threw a party.” Don’t say, “You always forget to take the trash out.” Instead, say something like, “Do you want me to remind you to take the trash out on your way to work? You sometimes forget about it, and I really can’t get to it today.”
6. You are easily annoyed.
Maybe you’re on edge lately. You are easily annoyed, and everything seems to bother you. Your moodiness makes you constantly complain to your partner. Maybe some life stress is making you feel this way or perhaps you are simply easily irritated and it reflects on your relationship.
Try to relax and take some time for yourself. Pamper yourself the way you like, whether it’s drawing a bath and having a glass of wine, going for a run, or reading a novel. Whatever you like is fine, the important thing is that it relaxes you and makes you happy. Be selfish for a little while and show yourself love and care. This will put you in a better mood and it will positively reflect on your relationship.
7. You have a difficult life and it’s putting you on edge.
Hey, maybe life has been really rough on you! Maybe it’s not that you’re a negative Nelly, it’s just that there seems to be a dark cloud following you wherever you go. You’ve had a bad run lately, and all the aspects of your life need immediate attention because there are major issues. Perhaps this has left you on edge; you just don’t know what is going to hit you next and it’s making you stressed. It’s not just you, research has linked this stress and unpredictability to the tendency to complain.
You complain all the time because things haven’t been going well lately, and you’re depressed or stressed about it. Your partner is your best friend, so you think it’s safe to confide in them about all your woes.
However, when all you do is complain, they’re not going to enjoy your conversations together. You need to carve out complaint-free time for the two of you to enjoy together. And focus at least some of your energy on making changes that will improve your life, not just complain about it.
8. You are not happy in the relationship.
Are you constantly complaining because you’re not happy in your relationship? Your partner probably thinks that this is the reason, even if it’s not. It no doubt hurts them to know that they’re not making you happy. If there are problems in your relationship, they are not simply going to go away if you complain for long enough. Complaining about being unhappy in the relationship will only make you both miserable.
You both need to take action and work on your relationship together. If your partner is not willing to do that, it’s okay to consider ending things.
What can you do to make your relationship better? Identify the issues that you need to work on and learn about ways to deal with them. Consider getting help from a therapist if need be.
When your relationship doesn’t make you happy, you basically have only two choices: either you can end it or work on it. If you’re going to work on your relationship, you’ll need to do that together.
Final thoughts…
Complaining is a natural part of being human. We all do it from time to time, and when done in moderation, it can be a healthy way to process emotions and seek support. However, when complaining becomes your default communication style with your partner, it creates a toxic environment that can slowly poison even the strongest relationship.
Remember that your partner isn’t just a dumping ground for your negativity. They’re a person with their own emotional needs and limitations. Even the most patient and understanding partner will eventually reach their breaking point if all they hear day after day are complaints.
Your relationship should be a source of joy and support, not an endless cycle of criticism and negativity. Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort and self-awareness. By recognizing your patterns and making a genuine effort to change, you can transform your communication style and build a healthier, happier partnership—one where complaints are occasional expressions of concern rather than the dominant soundtrack of your relationship.
