We see a lot of people posting online that their breakup or divorce “came out of nowhere,” not realizing that it had been deteriorating for quite some time. Even worse, when asked whether they had done anything to contribute to the relationship breakdown, they sincerely believe they haven’t done anything wrong. And in their minds, they really haven’t. But the reality is that’s rarely the case.
If you want to avoid the same fate, it’s important to consider your own behavior in your relationship, as well as your partner’s. And behaviors driven by ego are one of the big culprits in many relationships. So let’s look at several ways your own ego may be sabotaging — or even ruining — your relationship, even if you don’t even realize what you’re doing.
1. Refusing to admit when you’re wrong.
Admitting when you’re wrong means that you need to acknowledge that the other person is right. That can be a massive blow to your ego, especially if you’re accustomed to being correct most of the time — either because of hands-on experience or education. If your sense of self-worth is inextricably linked to your intellect or capability, then being incorrect about something you feel you should know can be quite an ego blow.
As a result, you may gloss over the situation, imply that you’re right because of some loophole or interpretation, or simply double down and refuse to admit that you could be wrong about this.
And whilst this can feel satisfying and protect your sense of superiority, it can cause serious issues in your relationship. People usually have much more respect for a person who can admit that they don’t know something, and then put in effort to learn more about it, particularly if it’s an issue that is more a matter of opinion than fact. And an insistence on having the last word or always needing to be right essentially tells the other person that you care more about your ego than you do them.
2. Insisting that there’s a “correct” way to do everything (and it’s your way).
I’d often get into arguments with a former partner of mine over the most insignificant things around the house. For example, she insisted that there was only one right way to arrange cutlery in the drawer, or she’d get mad at me if I chopped vegetables the “wrong way” when we were preparing meals.
We all have different ways of doing things, but is it really worthwhile to yell at your partner for arranging the couch cushions improperly? Or for using the wrong food storage container for leftovers?
Now, there needs to be a little caveat here because for some people, this isn’t really an ego issue at all — it’s neurological. Many autistic people, for example, experience genuine distress when things are done differently from how they expect or need them to be done.
It’s not about superiority or control in these instances; it’s about how their brains are wired to process order, predictability, and routine. If this sounds like you, that’s a very different conversation, and one worth having with your partner so that they can understand your genuine needs better.
The point I’m making here is aimed at people for whom this is purely a preference — one they’ve elevated to a non-negotiable rule — and who use that “rule” as a reason to berate or control their partner. So, if your partner loading the dishwasher “wrong” makes you feel disrespected rather than dysregulated, it’s probably your ego running the show, not your neurology.
And what’s more, if being right and maintaining your “my way or the highway” approach is more important than being kind and loving towards this person, you might want to ask yourself why you’re even with them. After all, if you keep behaving this way, you may not be for much longer.
3. Taking neutral comments as personal attacks.
If your partner asks you to rinse the sink after brushing your teeth so the toothpaste doesn’t adhere there like an epoxy, do you take that as an insult about your personal hygiene practices? Or if they talk about how expensive groceries were this week, do you ask if they’re implying that you don’t contribute enough to the household expenses?
This is known as personalization in psychology and refers to situations in which people take on responsibility for events or situations unnecessarily. It often stems from them having been criticized a lot in their youth, and it can make them hypervigilant about ill intent, looking for the hidden meanings behind words.
Though it’s not intentional, this kind of behavior will likely make your partner feel like they’re forever walking on eggshells, weighing their words so as not to set you off by saying the wrong thing. Seeking support to work through this issue is going to be key to the health and success of your relationship.
4. Wanting to cause hurt in return for an ego boost.
If your partner bruises your ego unintentionally, such as in the situation above where they say something innocuous and you take it personally, do you take some time to process what happened, and then respond reasonably (if at all)? Or is your first response to lash out and say something that you know will hurt them?
If it’s the latter, that’s your ego talking, and it’s worth considering what you hope to achieve other than causing them pain. It’s one thing if they’re being intentionally cruel towards you and you defend yourself, but if you took something the wrong way and then cut them down to make yourself feel better, the only thing you’ve achieved is adding another item to their list of reasons to pack their bags.
5. Not apologizing when you’ve said or done something hurtful.
When your ego is running the show, and you say or do something that hurts your partner, your immediate response may be to behave as though their reaction is disproportionate or wrong; that they’re being too sensitive, making a big deal out of nothing, and you won’t talk to them until they’ve calmed down.
Alternatively, you may find several ways to justify your behavior, trying to make them believe that they’re the ones in the wrong for not being able to see or understand that. There’s no way you’d just apologize for hurting them: that might make you seem vulnerable, and you don’t ever want to appear “weak” in their eyes.
But refusing to apologize doesn’t make you look strong. It makes you look like someone who values their pride more than their partner’s feelings. And your partner will notice that.
6. Not relinquishing control over a situation.
It’s never fun to admit when something turns out to be more than we can handle, even though we consider ourselves more than able enough to deal with it. Similarly, you might feel that you’re the only person who’s capable of doing something properly and have issues trusting anyone enough to allow them to take over, or do it instead of you.
For example, if you’ve always been the cook in your various relationships, you might feel a twinge of insecurity if your new partner wants to do some of the cooking instead. You may even claim that you don’t like what they prepared, so you can get back to the status quo, especially if it was both delicious and prepared in a manner superior to your own.
In a case like this, you’re biting off your nose to spite your face and seriously damaging your relationship in the process. Remember: someone else’s success or proficiency in an area doesn’t diminish or change your own. And if you think it does, that’s just your ego talking.
7. Refusing to make fair compromises in decision-making.
If you have something like a long-standing dinner-and-movie on the couch ritual established, who gets to choose the majority of the films you watch? And who gets to decide which dishes you order for delivery? Do you alternate so you both get to choose equally? Or do you get your way 99% of the time, only grudgingly allowing them to have a say on their birthday or similar?
People in healthy relationships place fairness and equality as some of the most important traits to cultivate. Resentment grows and starts to fester when things aren’t balanced, especially when it comes to one person having almost all the decision-making power.
Why would anyone want to be in a partnership with someone who never lets them have a say in their own life? Would you enjoy being with a partner who treated you that way? If not, then why would you behave in that manner towards yours?
8. Making everything into a competition (and not playing fair).
My partner once told me about a time when she had what she thought was a lighthearted pillow fight with a former partner. He tossed a pillow at her, she grabbed it and swatted him back, laughing, and he grabbed another pillow and used all of his 250lb strength to slam it into her, throwing her backwards and making her bite her lip. And then laughed because he had “won.”
Relationships aren’t competitions. If you find that you’re perpetually trying to one-up your partner, forever emerging as the victor in any scenario, ask yourself why that is. Why is it so important for you to prove yourself to be “better” than the person you supposedly love?
9. Putting your partner down to boost your own self-esteem.
A lot of people project their insecurities onto others — especially those closest to them. As a result, if their partner achieves something that they would have wanted for themselves, or if they suddenly feel inferior to their partner in some way (i.e., physical fitness or attractiveness), they’ll put their partner down in order to humble them a bit, making themselves feel better in the process.
This can be subtle or overt, depending on the situation. For example, if a couple has been together for many years and one of them makes a concerted effort to get in shape, the one who’s less active might tell them that no matter how much they work out, they’ll still be old and undesirable. Seeing their partner crestfallen gives them a little burst of self-satisfaction, not realizing just how much damage they’ve caused with this little ego-soothing barb.
Final thoughts…
Some of the unifying factors behind these behaviors are either that you feel superior to your partner or that you feel the need to protect yourself (and your perceived position in the partnership) by any means necessary.
As a result, instead of taking the time to think things through and respond as a loving partner, you have a knee-jerk reaction intended to shut things down with you emerging as the victor. Unfortunately, when the goal in your relationship is to always win and be in control, you don’t have a partnership: just a competition with someone you’ll eventually alienate completely.
