Marriages that withstand life’s toughest challenges share 9 uncommon foundations
Many people talk about how their grandparents or great-grandparents were married for 60+ years and stayed together no matter what, forgetting that in many cases, they didn’t have any options but to do that. Still, a lot of modern marriages stand the test of time as well, even though divorce and outside financial assistance may be available. So, what makes these marriages last and make it through life’s toughest challenges? The answer lies in the solid foundational structures listed here.
1. The focus is on a lifelong marriage, not a wedding.
Although a lot of people talk about wanting the commitment of marriage or a long-term partnership, what a lot of them really want is a wedding and the benefits that come from a marital arrangement. This is similar to those who want to have a baby, rather than wanting to be parents: a person may want a husband or a wife, rather than wanting to be a solid partner and cultivate a lasting marriage.
A solid marriage requires two people who commit to work together regardless of what life may throw at them. Rich or poor, through sickness or health, through mudslides or droughts — they have each other’s backs, no matter what.
2. Both parties have mental and emotional independence.
Most of us know the scene from the Jerry Maguire movie in which he says to his lover: “You complete me”. In marriages that withstand life’s toughest challenges, each spouse knows that they’re already complete as autonomous, emotionally independent individuals. They don’t exist to fill gaps in each other’s existence, nor will they lose themselves in each other.
Instead, they’re walking side by side down life’s road as equal partners who have made the conscious decision to do so, rather than one leaning on the other like they’re a personal support pillar. Of course, spouses are there for one another when help is needed, but they also have their own minds and emotions and respect each other’s thoughts and ideas. Neither of them exists for each other’s benefit, nor would they seek to influence or control each other.
3. There is respect for each other’s space and alone time.
Alone time is vital for keeping relationships healthy, according to Psychology Today, and most married couples who have been together for decades will concur. Having time to oneself is incredibly important, as it allows people to think deeply and reflect upon things on their own time, in their own space, without interruption or intrusion. Furthermore, it’s an opportunity for people to be completely authentic, and immerse themselves in the pursuits of their choice, rather than having to be responsive to another’s conversation or attention.
My partner and I are both introverts (I’m INTJ-A and he’s INFP-A), and we both need a startling amount of alone time. Having time to ourselves allows us to recharge on our own terms, and then when we meet up again, we have great things to talk about, show one another, and work on together. Our relationship wouldn’t be anywhere near as healthy if we were in each other’s pockets all the time.
4. Physical closeness is prioritized.
While sexual intimacy is a must for most marriages, it isn’t the be-all and end-all of a partnership, especially later in life. There are many types of intimacy that are important in a relationship, and what’s important is that physical closeness and affection are shown on a regular basis, in whatever form both spouses are comfortable with.
For example, if they’re happiest sharing a bed together, they might sleep like spoons, or back to back so they touch while they sleep. Alternatively, they may hug regularly throughout the day, groom each other (beard trims, hair washing, etc.), shower together, squeeze each other’s arms or shoulders in passing, and so on. It’s these little gestures that show one another that their connection is still strong, even if they’re well into their nineties.
5. Difficult subjects are discussed, not brushed under the carpet.
Communication really is one of the most important foundations in any marriage, and those that withstand the greatest of life’s challenges are the ones in which both communicate openly with loving kindness, even when things are extraordinarily difficult.
Even if you find talking about personal or difficult issues hard, it’s a habit you must adopt if you want a long-lasting marriage. It’s only by communicating with one another that these difficulties can be overcome — usually as a united team. Talking about things might be awkward at times, and emotions may be tumultuous, but discussing things and making plans on how to work through them as partners is the glue that holds successful marriages together.
6. Forgiveness and understanding are given without holding grudges or bringing up the past.
We all mess up at times, and occasionally our missteps will be intense ones. When these screw-ups inevitably occur, we can consider ourselves very fortunate if our spouses show compassion and empathy, and forgive us for our temporary lapses in judgment or behavior. Similarly, we can show the same grace towards them when they make their own missteps. We can decide to work through it and move forward together.
The healthiest, and happiest couples of all are those who leave the past in the past, rather than bringing up past transgressions and weaponizing them during future arguments. True forgiveness wipes the slate clean and builds anew, rather than building an arsenal of mistakes to use as future ammunition.
7. The tides of change are accepted and embraced.
Life involves constant change, and that includes individuals as well as couples. For example, a couple that marries in their twenties won’t look the same when they’re in their fifties. Similarly, personal and health challenges are inevitable, and we have to accept the fact that our partners are going to change as much as we are over the next several decades. Emotionally mature partners understand this, and it keeps their relationships strong.
Changes may also happen within the marriage: employment challenges might mean that one has to take on more of a breadwinner role than the other for a while. Alternatively, unexpected parenting duties might shift the relationship’s dynamic. Either way, both spouses accept and embrace change with grace, rather than frustration.
8. Humor is found even in the most difficult circumstances.
There’s a common saying that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It can also give us a dark sense of humor and hilarious coping mechanisms. Couples who can laugh together during their darkest hours are those who will be able to move through the worst muck life throws at them.
Even if things are truly bleak, and they’re at death’s door, they’ll still be cracking jokes and finding things to be amused about. This “gallows humor” may seem dark to some, but if it’s shared sincerely, it can be a source of strength and resilience for the most steadfast of married couples.
9. There is complete trust in each other.
My partner and I were once discussing the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice: Orpheus looked backward to ensure that his wife was following him out of the underworld and thus ended up losing her forever as he had broken the one condition set to him by the god Hades. My partner and I agreed that all we would have to do is promise each other that we’d walk out of there together, and we’d be completely secure in the knowledge that that’s exactly what would happen. Even if we didn’t hear each other’s footsteps, we know that we can trust each other’s words without hesitation.
This kind of trust also extends to personal growth. For example, having faith that the other person will have epiphanies and evolution when the time is right for them, rather than being pressured into them inauthentically. We all grow and evolve on our own timelines, and spouses need to trust that things will unfold as they’re meant to, at the right time.
Final thoughts…
We live in an era in which many people marry at the drop of a hat and divorce within days if the whim strikes them. Just look at some celebrity marriages that have lasted anywhere from 55 hours to a few short months. As a result, a startling number of people focus entirely on their wedding day, rather than the commitment to share the rest of their life with another person.
Life can be incredibly difficult at times, but married couples who share the foundations mentioned here can generally weather the toughest storms together.
