People choose their spouses for many different reasons, and most of us feel that we’ve chosen our Mr./Mrs. Right when we’re at the altar. That said, sometimes we choose someone who seems like they’re our dream spouse, but our reasons for choosing them aren’t quite the right ones. When this happens, we keep on keeping on as best we can and hope that things will improve over time, but that rarely happens. If you’re struggling with any of the following, you may be feeling haunted by the choice you’ve made and are now stuck with.
1. You have a comfortable life, but you don’t love your spouse.
You might have married the “right” person because they were able to provide you with the life you always dreamed of, but that doesn’t mean that you’re compatible as a couple. Over time, you may have come to realize that you’re actually very poorly matched and that the life you thought you wanted has become a cage.
Here’s an example: a friend of mine decided in her teens that her ultimate goal was to marry a rich rancher and go live on a farm with him where she could have horses, a huge garden, and dozens of rescue animals. She achieved that goal and married a handsome man who provided her with everything she dreamed of… and she’s now a mother of five who realizes that she doesn’t love her spouse, doesn’t want to be a farm wife, and is trying to decide what to do with the rest of her life.
2. You married for financial stability, and now that’s gone, there’s very little keeping you around.
According to Psychology Today, we are often attracted to wealth, and many people get into marriages that are more like business arrangements, with the goal of living well with great financial stability. They might marry a doctor, lawyer, or CEO of a successful company, and map out how the rest of their stable, wealthy lives are going to proceed.
Then the unthinkable happens, and their spouse loses their job due to illness, injury, or another major issue. Now that the foundation of financial stability is gone, the glue that held the marriage together has essentially dissolved. They might be a great person, but if you aren’t in love with them and married them primarily for their income, you’re unlikely to stick around. Financial “security” no longer seems like such a great reason to have married someone..
3. The physical attraction that drew you together has faded.
Some relationships develop after a couple is drawn together by overwhelming physical attraction and desire. You might have gotten together with your partner because you couldn’t keep your eyes (or hands) off them, and you’ve spent years devouring each other in every way imaginable.
Now that several years have passed, however, and your respective bodies have changed a great deal, you may discover that what drew you together initially has either fizzled or disappeared entirely.
It might be due to weight gain, hair loss, or the inevitable ravages of age and gravity, but the burning fire that kept your relationship sizzling has gone out, and there’s little else keeping the relationship going at this point. Research tells us that physical chemistry elicits attraction rather than love, so if it was the foundation of your relationship, it’s bound to fizzle out once it fades.
4. You got married to escape your birth family, and now you’re trapped in another.
A significant number of people — especially those in strong cultural or religious groups — stay home with their parents, siblings, and even extended family members until they get married. If you were raised in a family with which you didn’t get along, you might have married the first decent person you met in order to get away from them and into a home of your own.
But things may have gone from bad to worse if you married into a family that’s just as difficult or smothering as your own, especially if you’ve had children with your spouse. Even if your marriage is pretty okay, you may feel trapped and unable to escape from the demands, difficulties, and criticisms that your new family bestows upon you.
5. You wanted marriage and kids, not the person you married.
Maybe your friends were all getting married and starting families, and you didn’t want to be left out. Or you felt as though your biological clock was ticking and you only had so much time left to have children. As a result, you did what you thought was necessary to achieve your goals, but things haven’t worked out the way you planned.
Maybe you’ve had difficulty conceiving, and you realize that without kids, there’s nothing keeping you and your spouse together. Alternatively, you might have had several children and discovered that you’re essentially a single parent because your spouse doesn’t do their fair share at all. This can be a horrible wake-up call because you’ve realized you married this person so they could be the means to achieve your wants, not because they were suited to the role of life partner and parent.
6. You were afraid of being alone, but that’s exactly how you feel.
A lot of people get married because they’re afraid of ending up alone in their later years, so they settle for a partner who’s “good enough” in order to avoid potential solitude. Problems arise, however, when they end up neglected or unseen in their marriage, and they feel even more alone than they would have if they were still single.
Do you spend most of your time at home alone because your spouse is off doing their own thing? If you share meals with your spouse, do you have conversations with them? Or do you eat in silence and then go your separate ways? If you interact more with your pets and friends or neighbors than the person you married, you may feel more alone in your marriage than singles your age do.
7. You’re living a lie.
Your spouse is a truly wonderful person: they’re gorgeous, kind, generous, and beloved by everyone who knows them. It’s likely that your family adores them and may have encouraged you to marry, and this person treats you like gold. Any other person would be delighted to be in your position, but you’re not. You’re fiercely unhappy, but you don’t want to face the reality of what that is.
In reality, you’re behaving performatively because you know that this life isn’t meant for you. You’re lying to yourself, even if you haven’t admitted it yet. Maybe you’d prefer to dedicate your life to academia, or you’ve been secretly religious for years and would rather take a spiritual vocation. Alternatively, you may not be attracted to anyone of your spouse’s gender and can no longer bear to be touched by them at all, let alone be intimate with them. As such, you may be dealing with a significant amount of daily anxiety and depression because of the facade you have to maintain all the time.
Final thoughts…
Marriage doesn’t have to be a life sentence. If you’re unhappy in your marriage and you don’t feel that counselling would be beneficial because you married the “right person” for the wrong reasons, then there’s no shame in ending things.
In the same way that not all jobs work out the way we’d planned, regardless of how good they seemed at the beginning, not all marriages will work out either. It’s better to end things and start again than it is to stay with a spouse whom you resent, dislike, or can’t bear to be near.
