How often have your friends or family members lamented how unhappy they were, but chose to stay with their spouses instead of getting divorced? It sounds more than a little counterintuitive to knowingly stay with a person who’s making you miserable instead of parting ways to pursue greener pastures, yet countless people choose to stay married and unhappy instead of splitting up. Why is that?
1. Too many shared material investments.
This is something that usually happens after a couple has been together for several years. After that much time, their lives are almost inextricable from joint ventures, businesses, investments (like owning a house), children, or all of the above. As a result, many people feel that it’s far easier (and less costly) to stay in an unhappy marriage than it is to go through the hassle of a divorce.
Children can also be seen as material investments of a sort. If this couple has had children together and wants to see them thrive in the healthiest and most successful lives possible, they may decide to stay together, believing this is the way to ensure that outcome.
2. Cowardice.
Psychology Today tells us that for many people, the devil they know and have learned to tolerate is far more comfortable than the potential fear of the unknown. Quite simply, they’d rather be unhappy in their current relationship than alone, even if the likelihood of joy and fulfillment is far greater if they part ways with their spouse.
My partner has an aunt who’s been unhappy in her marriage since the beginning, and will be celebrating her 50th wedding anniversary soon. This woman and her husband openly dislike each other: they’ll leave each other behind when out shopping, insult each other at family gatherings, and have been miserable with each other for decades, but both are too afraid of living alone to part ways.
3. Codependence.
Most relationships are interdependent, in that both partners rely on each other and work together as a united team. Dr. Margaret R Rutherford explains that this is different from co-dependency, in which a person has lost themselves in their relationship and enmeshed themselves with their partner so deeply that they don’t know who they are outside of their marriage.
When this happens, they sabotage themselves and enable their partner’s behavior in order to keep the two of them together. The thought of being apart terrifies them because they don’t know what they would do with themselves as an autonomous individual, rather than their partner’s other half.
4. Familiarity and comfort.
We appreciate things that are familiar to us because they’re comfortable and comforting. The keyword there is “comfort”, which is what countless people turn to when the rest of the world seems to be in upheaval. They’ll re-watch favorite shows because they have the comfort of knowing what will unfold without surprises, and will eat the same meals because they know exactly how they’ll taste and how their bodies will respond to them. They never learn what can happen when you step outside of your comfort zone.
As a result, many people choose the familiarity of unhappiness rather than the unfamiliarity of life alone. They may be unfulfilled and generally quite sad in their marriage, but have become so comfortable with routine that they can disassociate from their unhappiness and distract themselves from it. They’ll watch their shows, read their romance novels, and maintain the status quo because it’s far less intimidating and terrifying than the changes they may face by leaving.
5. Shame at the truth that the marriage is a failure.
Shame is a very powerful motivator, and a lot of people are afraid of dealing with the inevitable backlash that will occur if they admit that their marriage has failed. They would rather stick it out in a relationship that makes them miserable than hear “I told you so” from whichever odious friend or family member has been waiting to say it since day one.
People who care a great deal about others’ opinions and don’t want to be thought of (or spoken of) poorly by their peers will often do their best to keep up appearances. They might be truly atrocious to each other behind closed doors, having screaming matches or insulting each other to hell and back, but will maintain the facade of a happy family in public or around extended family.
6. They still get along “well enough.”
Some people believe that the only valid reason for divorce is if they’re truly miserable or are in danger of imminent harm from their partner. Since they’re just unhappy or no longer in love, they don’t feel justified in ending things. This is especially true if they sincerely care about one another as friends (or like siblings).
People in situations like this often find a comfortable equilibrium with their spouses; one in which they’re no longer intimate, but more like business partners who happen to live together or glorified roommates. They may have lovers on the side and are essentially living separate lives, but have a degree of stability at home that benefits both themselves and their children, if there are any.
7. They don’t want their partners to be with someone else, even if they are done with the marriage.
Jealousy is a very powerful motivator, and some people remain in unhappy marriages instead of getting divorced because they can’t bear the thought of their spouse being with anybody else. They see their partner as a possession or a status symbol rather than a person, and thus being with them becomes a matter of personal pride.
If they divorce and lose this possession of theirs, they may lose the respect of their community and might even become an object of scorn and mockery. Even worse, their former spouse might get together with someone who’s “better” than they are, and they’ll have to live in that other person’s shadow forever, knowing that their ex is with someone who makes them happier and more fulfilled than they ever could.
8. They benefit from this union.
A person might absolutely despise their spouse and be desperately unhappy with them, but the benefits they reap from being with them override their misery. For example, they may have gotten a prestigious job with their in-laws that allows them to live a comfortable, even lavish lifestyle, and they’d lose that if they divorced.
Similarly, there may be other benefits to remaining married to this person: they may experience prestige via their spouse’s social status, career, or fame. They may get special treatment from others for being so-and-so’s spouse, which would disappear entirely if the marriage ended. As such, they’re willing to stick it out, ignore extramarital affairs, and even tolerate mistreatment because the benefits outweigh their unhappiness..
9. They cling to the hope that things will get better.
Most of us have remained in unhappy relationships longer than we should have because we hoped that things would improve, even when and if we knew deep down that they never would. We tolerated poor behavior, unkind words, the silent treatment, and even cheating or downright cruelty because we thought our partnership had the potential to get better. We believed that our partners would one day wake up and recognize our worth and start treating us as well as we treated them.
If you check out online forums and discussion boards, you’ll see that countless other people have experienced the same thing and remained in one-sided and unhappy marriages for years — even decades — longer than they should have. They were counselled by family members and even therapists to stick it out rather than throw in the towel, which resulted in a startling amount of lost time, wasted energy, and unhappiness.
Final thoughts…
When deciding whether to stay in an unhappy marriage or choose to divorce, there are countless different factors that may contribute to the decision. Some people stick it out until things get unbearable or physically abusive, while others feel shame at throwing in the towel at what seems like the first sign of difficulty. Ultimately, it’s up to each person to determine what they’re willing to tolerate and whether the risk of remaining in an unhappy marriage is more or less painful than breaking free.
As author Anais Nin said, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
