A first impression means a lot, but what you follow it with matters just as much. Developing your conversation skills boosts your ability to connect with new people and build your relationships. However, too many people fall into the trap of thinking that because they aren’t good conversationalists that they can’t learn to be.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Social skills are exactly that – skills – and skills can be learned, practiced, and developed. All it takes for most is a little bit of learning, commitment, and regular practice. As someone who is on the autistic spectrum, I can personally attest to that. This doesn’t mean you have to become someone you’re not, though. Neurodivergent communication styles are equally as valid as neurotypical ones, and you may find that you’re happier and more comfortable socializing with people who share your style. The importance of finding your tribe can’t be understated.
But for those people who want to become more confident conversing with a wide variety of people, the question is – how can you improve your conversation skills, whilst staying true to your natural way of communicating?
1. Ask meaningful questions about safe subjects.
The current social climate is wild. There is a lot going on, to the point where some people just don’t want to associate with people with opposing viewpoints. They launch right into personal subjects like, “What are your politics?” “What do you believe?” “Whose side are you on?” Their goal is to keep those people out of their circles. Sometimes, you can’t afford to do that, though, like in a professional setting. You can’t just eliminate some people from your life.
Alternatively, some people hate small talk. They want to get right to the deep stuff because they believe small talk is useless. What they don’t understand is that to many people, small talk is the door that opens the way to deeper conversation. By avoiding the small talk, they may have a harder time connecting because some people don’t want to open that door immediately. And it’s important to respect other people’s conversational boundaries. It’s also important for your own safety because until you get to know someone, you don’t know how safe it is to reveal personal or deeper-level information.
Personally, this is something I struggled with. It took me a long time to figure out what were acceptable topics to talk about and with whom. But, there is an old piece of advice that Pew Research tells us which many people still follow, and that is to “not talk about politics, religion, or money in polite company.”
They’re subjects that are more likely to start a fight.
The good news is that there are a handful of topics you can ask about to facilitate conversations without getting too deep, too soon. According to Harvard University, a simple way to spark meaningful, engaging conversations is through the FORD technique – Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams. All of these are relatively safe conversation subjects that can help you get your conversation started.
2. Subtly match their energy.
People communicate in different ways. It’s important to read the room so that you can bring appropriate energy to the situation. Now, this should not be confused with “just faking it” for the most part. Sometimes, we have to fake it. Many people can’t be who they actually are while they’re at work.
Other people can tell if you’re trying too hard. Instead, just look at the general demeanor of the person or group that you’re trying to socialize with. Are they high energy? Try to bring some high energy. Are they casual? Then, be casual. Is it a somber occasion? Well, maybe joking around isn’t the best choice.
The common advice is to do things like mirror body language without being obvious about it. The issue there is that do you want to be in that habit for your other social interactions with that person. No. It’s exhausting and difficult to keep up with, particularly if reading body language doesn’t come naturally to you. You’re better off just matching the energy of the environment and putting your authentic self forward. People will remember that more.
3. Use their name in conversation.
A common piece of advice is to use a person’s name to help show attentiveness and build rapport. The problem is that most people have heard this advice, and they know exactly what you’re doing if you do it too much.
Liam Anderson from Work It Daily writes that there is value in using a person’s name during conversation because it helps you build rapport. People like to know you’re paying attention to them, but go easy with it.
The best times to use their name are at the start of a conversation, “Hey, Beth! How are you doing?”, during an introduction, “Nice to meet you, Craig!”, and when asking a question, “Hey, Kaylee, what do you think about…?”
The idea is that you want to use names in natural places instead of cramming them in every other sentence or front-loading in the conversation.
4. Ask open-ended questions that focus on “why,” “how,” and “what.”
Questions with “yes” and “no” answers are killers of conversation. They put the burden of facilitating the conversation on your partner, which does not make for a good conversation. The best way to think of a conversation is like a tennis match where both players are hitting the ball back and forth. You have to make your swing to send the ball back.
Open-ended questions allow that person to continue talking about themselves.
“Why did you decide to do that?”
“How did you feel about that?”
“What do you think you’re going to do next?”
Good questions, followed by engaged listening, demonstrate an active interest and serve up that tennis ball to be hit back.
5. Use “Repeat and Relate” to help continue the conversation.
The idea behind “repeat and relate” is to establish a connection that is more personal than just casual conversation. It shows the other person that you have things in common, even if it’s not all that deep. Let’s look at a couple of examples.
Example 1:
Them: “I went whitewater rafting for the first time last month!”
You: “No kidding? That’s awesome. I’ve always wanted to try it myself. What was it like?”
Example 2:
Them: “I just got back from my trip to England.”
You: “Oh, I loved England. Where did you end up going? What did you see?”
The key to using a “repeat and relate” strategy is to make the connection but not make it all about yourself. Talk lightly about your own experience. Otherwise, it looks more like you’re trying to one-up them.
If they are sharing an experience, make sure they get the opportunity to be excited and say what they want about it. Yes, you may have had an amazing time on your trip, and it’s great to share that to build connection, but don’t use it to minimize their experience.
6. Allow your compliments to shine through curiosity.
An excellent conversation starter is to notice something that stands out, compliment it, and then ask about it. There’s a good chance that they will welcome the opportunity to talk about something that makes them stand out in a positive way. Maybe it’s an interesting jacket, piece of jewelry, or just some other thing that stands out. Then you can connect with statements like:
“I love your dress! Where did you get it?”
“I see you’re wearing a sports team jacket! Excited for the season?”
These are easy ways to get the conversation started, and all you have to do is be observant. In a greater social context, you may also consider expressing curiosity about a topic of their conversation if nothing about them stands out.
Just a random tip: if they don’t look like they have anything that stands out about them, try to get a glimpse of their socks. There are quite a few people who like to wear crazy socks because they have to dress or present themselves professionally otherwise.
7. Make a memorable exit from the conversation.
The best way to leave a lasting impression and stand out from the crowd in a good way is to make a memorable exit. A simple way to do that is with some personal acknowledgment as you leave the conversation. It doesn’t need to be super complicated. Just make sure that the exit is targeted at the person specifically.
“Hey, I really enjoyed talking with you, Brianna, but I have to take off for now. Maybe we can continue this conversation later?”
This kind of exit is best used for more impersonal events, like at a networking or professional event where people tend to get used to moving through many people. A personal touch can help you stick in that person’s mind for when you cross paths in the future.
Final thoughts…
Developing your social skills requires a little bit of knowledge and a whole lot of practice. So much of socialization comes down to what you do in the moment when you’re actually talking to someone. Book knowledge can only take you so far.
You may find that you feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, and that’s normal. However, you will find that you become more comfortable with practice. Again, we’re not advocating that you suppress your natural communication style or be someone you’re not. Inauthenticity is not good for you, and it will come across in your interactions. As Harvard Business Review rightly says, the onus is on both parties to communicate in a way that works for each other, so that both parties come away feeling good about it.
While honoring your authentic style at the same time as respecting other people’s conversational needs, you should find that you’re able to create better connections, forge stronger relationships, and generally expand your social circle.
It’s scary and daunting, but you can build these skills by getting out there and practicing them.
