It’s an awful feeling when someone criticizes you unjustly. If the criticism is constructive and is offered with kindness and gentle guidance on how to improve things, it’s an opportunity for positive growth. In contrast, unfair criticism is used to belittle and disempower a person. This type of critique often comes from those in positions of power, or from those who feel powerless and want to demean you to make themselves feel better and less small in comparison. Here’s how to defend yourself..
1. “Could you explain that to me further, please?”
This approach works just as well for unfair criticism as it does for off-color jokes that people tell. Remain calm, and start by repeating exactly what they said to you, word for word, beginning by saying “I want to make sure that I heard you correctly, and what I heard was _____. Is that correct?”
According to Psychology Today, this offers the person doing the criticizing an approach to reflect upon what they said, and respond accordingly: they can either backtrack and rephrase, or double down on their criticism. At that point, you ask them to please explain themselves further, and keep asking clarifying questions until they back off or change the subject, realizing just how inappropriate and obnoxious they’re being.
2. “Please put that in writing.”
This one is particularly effective if it comes from a healthcare provider. If you’re having a verbal discussion with a doctor or other health professional, and you feel that they’re being unfairly critical and not listening to you when you’re advocating for yourself, ask them to put their criticism in writing. Furthermore, ask for a photocopy of it for your own files. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they’ll backtrack when they feel that they may be held accountable for their words.
An approach such as this one is also effective if the unfair criticism comes from a superior at work, especially if you think they’re being critical because they feel competitive with you. If they refuse to put their criticism towards you on paper, then email them after the exchange with something like the following: “With regard to our earlier discussion in which you said ____ about me (be specific), I would like you to acknowledge the intention behind this criticism, as well as a clear idea as to what steps you feel are necessary to remedy this issue.”
Be sure to CC the HR department when you send it, so they have this unfair criticism on file.
3. “What made you feel that you’re in a position to offer this criticism?”
I’ve often found that people who feel inferior or insecure tend to put others down in order to regain some sense of superiority. A perfect example of this was when I was hired as a project manager at a media company, and one of the graphic designers saw fit to criticize a promotional poster that I had designed. The critiques she offered were unnecessary, and when I asked her this question, she smirked and said that since she was a graphic designer and I was just a project manager, I should appreciate guidance from a professional and stay in my lane in the future.
Her smirk disappeared quickly when I showed her my online CV, showing that I was also an art director with over 20 years of experience in “her” field. It turned out that she was feeling insignificant since I had done the design myself instead of asking her team to do so, and her fears of potentially being replaced caused her to lash out at me. Once I made it clear that such behavior wouldn’t be tolerated again, she backed down and didn’t try it again.
4. “Your criticism is inappropriate and unacceptable.”
This is the response to use in a workplace setting if a colleague or superior criticizes something about you that is completely unrelated to the job you’re doing. For example, if they make an unfair critical comment about your appearance, or call your character into question because they saw you outside of work, and you were doing something they didn’t approve of.
Make it abundantly clear to them that they have no grounds to criticize or condemn you for any personal trait or life choice, and that they may only give you feedback about the job you were hired to do. Anything outside of that will be considered harassment that’s creating a toxic workplace, and will be taken to HR — and potentially a lawyer — if it happens again.
5. “Criticizing me won’t make you feel better about yourself.”
Sometimes, friends and family members criticize others unfairly, especially if they’re feeling low about themselves. This often happens when the one they’re criticizing has done something to better their own life, such as making it a priority to get healthy, getting more education, quitting potentially harmful habits, and so on.
The critical person ends up feeling shame and self-loathing, and projects that onto the person who’s putting effort into getting real, positive results. As such, their unfair criticisms are complete reflections of their own low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority, and you need to respond accordingly. Reminding them that being mean to others won’t make them feel better or improve their lives can often snap them out of that behavior. What they choose to do afterwards, e.g., remain in their rut or make healthier choices, is up to them.
6. “You’ve said this before, and if you say it again, I’ll have to create distance between us.”
This is a good one to use with family members whose unfair criticisms sound like a broken record. It’s especially effective if you’ve confronted them about their criticism and tried to establish a boundary about it, and they seem intent on overstepping it to reassert dominance while simultaneously putting you down.
Many people continue their poor behavior until they discover that there are consequences to their actions. Older relatives in particular often feel that they have free rein to be as critical and judgmental as they like without any negative repercussions, because they’re “family”. Make it abundantly clear to them that what they’re saying is very much not okay, and if they continue to criticize you unfairly, they will lose access to you, either temporarily or permanently, if they don’t change their ways.
7. “You’re in no position to throw stones, there.”
Now, this response is a bit more aggressive, rather than calmly assertive, but there are situations in which it is absolutely warranted. It’s particularly useful with family members or friends who are being utterly hypocritical and criticizing you for traits or behavior that they embody. Perfect examples of this would be a heavyset relative criticizing you for having potentially gained weight, or a thrice-divorced one criticizing you for a failed romantic relationship.
Calling attention to their own shortcomings might make them huff and grumble a bit, but it is usually quite effective in silencing them. If you really want to drive the point home, grab a mirror and aim it at them when you say it. They’ll think twice about criticizing you about hypocritical things in the future.
8. “Are you offering to help me with this issue?”
This response is great if someone criticizes something that needs to be addressed, but has been set aside because you’re overwhelmed or have other priorities. A perfect example of this would be a friend or family member criticizing the state of your untidy home, while you’re trying to wrangle small children as a single parent.
In a situation like this, you can ask them if they’re willing to pitch in and help with what they’re criticizing. If they offer excuses as to why they can’t, make it clear that if they aren’t going to step up to help you, they should keep their opinions to themselves. In contrast, if they wake up to the fact that you need help, and they’re capable of providing it, then the issue will be remedied, and they won’t have grounds to criticize you about it again.
This approach can also be used if someone is berating you for not having a job: unless they’re going to offer you one, they can remain silent.
Final thoughts…
When it comes to criticism, the most important thing is to consider where it’s coming from. The intention and motivation behind said criticism, as well as its delivery, will determine the best way to respond to it.
That said, remaining calm and composed is always in your best interest, as critical people generally try to get emotional responses out of those they put down. And if you rise to it, you’ll only end up looking like the bad guy. Determine whether there’s any truth to their words, and if there isn’t, don’t hold onto them. The only way their criticism will continue to affect you is if you allow it to do so.
