Control is an illusion. You’ve probably heard that statement in some form before. The skeptical who cling to control will typically roll their eyes at that statement. They’ll explain it away by pointing out all the mistakes that could have been prevented with better planning, but they rarely acknowledge that hindsight is 20/20. You just don’t know what freak occurrence can destroy your best laid plans.
Letting go not only reduces your stress, but it can also lead to better outcomes with newfound flexibility. These are some areas in life where you can loosen your grip and reap the rewards.
1. Your relationships.
Far too many people try to exert control in their relationships to create safety, security, and stability. The problem is that you simply can’t control what other people do. No matter how much control you try to exert, a person with bad intentions will find a way to do what they’re going to do. So will a person with good intentions, for that matter.
You have no control over that.
All you can do is focus on what you can control. You can set standards, have boundaries, and hope that other people will meet you there. Besides, why would you want to waste your time trying to control another human being on that kind of level? One thing I’ve learned in my own life and relationships is that there’s no reason to try to control the relationship.
Psychology Today shares that trying to control the other person’s behavior or what they do ultimately creates resentment. If you have to try to control someone to feel safe and secure in the relationship, it’s more likely that you or they just aren’t in the right place to have a relationship.
Alternatively, it may be a compatibility issue. There are so many people who get into a relationship who love the image of the person in their head more than the person who is actually in front of them.
2. In difficult conversations.
Difficult conversations need to progress on their own terms. The other person will be able to tell if you try to guide a conversation to the result that you’re looking for. So instead of taking a controlling, adversarial approach, approach conversations as the two of you against the problem.
The solution to a problem may not always be what you wanted. In fact, a compromise typically means that neither person got exactly what they wanted, otherwise it wouldn’t be a compromise. It would be one person making a sacrifice so the other can get what they wanted. It may be that the resolution to a discussion is somewhere in the middle, where you’re not incredibly happy with it, but you can accept it.
That’s how you create resolutions without one person having all the control.
3. When it comes to emotional timelines.
Life is hard, and the suffering is real. We are faced with the challenges of overcoming grief, resentment, anger, and the traumatic circumstances that we’re all exposed to. However, the challenge is learning how to carry those pains while giving them the space they need to breathe. Our brains typically have a good idea of what they need to do to resolve those pains, but we interrupt the processes.
Because who has time to sit around and be sad? Or be angry? To feel your feelings? Why would you even want to feel those negative feelings to begin with? Well, because they don’t just disappear when you bury them. They need to be processed so your brain can sort through them, and you can let them go. It’s not something you can force or control; it’s only something you can encourage along.
As someone who grew up steeped in toxic masculinity, I learned to suppress my emotions as many men do. However, what I would later find in therapy and my emotional growth is how limiting that is. As WebMD shares, suppressing your emotions is a habit. The more you actively do it, the more you train your brain to just automatically suppress them.
It becomes a self-sustaining cycle where your brain is subconsciously trapping itself in misery, which can create physical and mental health issues. Everyone needs to be able to let those feelings out. Granted, you may not be able to right now. But you can come back to it later and take the time to feel those emotions when you’re ready.
4. Your identity.
Many people cling to the idea that their identity needs to be carved in stone. They imagine themselves to be one particular thing, and then do everything they can to lock themselves into that role. The problem is that isn’t how anything works. Even the mountain changes with the erosion of time and weathering.
As someone who had to spend a lot of time figuring out who I actually was beneath my mental illness, I came to realize that the common notion of the authentic self is off. It’s often presented as though there is some perfect statue buried underneath your problems, bad habits, and the trauma of life.
In truth, your authentic self is an act of ongoing creation if you let it be. Every day, you can learn new things, create new things, and be a better person than you were yesterday. But you can’t do that if you cling stubbornly to a particular identity.
5. When you feel misunderstood.
Other people’s opinions about you rarely matter in the major scheme of things. But it’s hard when you’re someone who feels misunderstood. You may feel like if you just had the ability to explain yourself, then everything would be alright. However, what that doesn’t account for are the people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
They don’t have an open mind, and they don’t want one. It’s not something you can force on them. Instead, it’s better to focus on yourself and let those people fall away. If you’re not hurting anyone or yourself, then it doesn’t matter what other people think. But if you are, then it is a good idea to sit down and think about why you do the things you do.
6. When it comes to other people’s growth.
No matter how desperately you want someone to learn, evolve, and grow, they will forever be on their own timeline. You cannot force growth onto someone who doesn’t want it.
In fact, not only is it pointless to try, but it also sets you up to be manipulated. If that person does not have good intentions or quality of character, then they may just lie to you and string you along.
You see this happen in relationships far too often. One partner does something terribly wrong or is abusive, they swear they’ll change, and maybe they do for a couple of weeks. But then, they go back to being the person that they were before. You want to believe them, because you love them, and you hope they’ll be better, but they don’t.
Some people have to lose what’s important before they realize and accept that they need to make a change for the better. It’s not something you can just give or force onto someone. No matter how hard you try.
7. The future.
Anxiety about the future is a common struggle for many. Most people want some degree of predictability and stability. That’s not an unreasonable desire. The problem is that some people try to control the future with a closed fist. They make ironclad plans and have a difficult time accepting deviations from those plans.
That’s a problem because things don’t always go according to plan. The sooner you can accept that, the easier it is for you to pivot to a different plan that might have a better chance of succeeding. Or, at minimum, get you closer to your long-term goals. The path you take is far less important than attaining the major goals of what you want out of life.
Not only that, but you may find new goals along the way that guide you in a different direction. Many people are looking for purpose, but they don’t actually go out and do something about it because they don’t want to make a mistake. What they don’t realize is that you can choose your purpose, and you can find other purposes along the way.
Final thoughts…
As I said, control is an illusion. I tend to prefer to think about life as though I’m a captain on my own ship. I can point the ship in a particular direction to reach where I want to be, but all along the way, I will need to make navigation adjustments. I don’t hold too tightly to any particular path or hope for any particular outcome.
Those are just things that are ultimately outside of my control. By accepting that, I find that I move more easily through life, and life moves more easily around me.
