Have you ever actively avoided an older relative or acquaintance because they were irritating to be around? Most of us have, and when we’ve been forced to spend time with these people for one reason or another, we’ve generally ended up feeling drained from having to deal with their nonsense.
Those people weren’t always that way, however: they became that way over time. Furthermore, it’s entirely possible that you’re starting to do things that make others want to avoid you like the plague in turn. See if any of the following behaviors seem a little too familiar to you.
1. Constantly muttering complaints.
Getting old isn’t much fun. Body parts that were once strong and limber become achy and shaky. Food doesn’t taste the same, new health complaints seem to surface every week, and you might actively dislike the music that the young people are listening to nowadays. That said, griping about it all isn’t going to change anything, nor will it make anyone want to be in your company for very long.
Aging Care advises that constantly muttering complaints and criticisms under your breath will wear down anyone who’s in your presence, especially those who are doing their best to help you. You might not even know that you’re doing it, especially if you’re used to talking to yourself, but others can hear you and are being worn down by your negativity. The world can be a difficult enough place for people to navigate without having someone else’s monologue of misery as perpetual background noise.
2. Informing others of what they should be doing (or are doing wrong).
A few years ago, I was grocery shopping with a friend of mine when her seven-year-old son started having a meltdown. Almost immediately, an older woman reprimanded my friend for her poor parenting, saying that the child was far too old to throw tantrums and she should discipline him better. The boy in question is autistic, nonspeaking, and can’t regulate his own emotions when he’s overstimulated, but none of these aspects were considered when this lady saw fit to judge and condemn, rather than asking about the issue.
Or better still, minding her own business.
According to Retiredom, judging — and correcting—perceived problems with others’ behavior, parenting, food choices, and lives in general seems to be something that a startling number of older people put into regular practice. It’s both irritating and exhausting to deal with someone who feels that they’re in a position to pick apart every aspect of your life and then expects you to do what they think is best.
3. Neglecting your health and making it everyone else’s problem.
Experts advise that self-neglect can be a common problem as we age. Many of us have older relatives who don’t take care of their own health, but expect those around them to cater to their issues and diseases for them. This might be a diabetic uncle who refuses to carry candy or juice to regulate his blood sugar (that’s what his wife is for, right?). Or a grandparent who won’t use mobility devices and needs to be taken care of every time they fall.
It’s no fun to admit that the ravages of age are affecting our health, but it’s a truth that needs to be acknowledged. When we don’t prioritize self-care and end up being affected by health issues that could have been avoided, it’s the other people in our lives who end up paying the price, sometimes literally. Do yourself and everyone around you a huge favor and try to take care of your dental, physical, and mental health to the very best of your ability.
4. Forcing others to listen to your stories over and over again.
Of the many experiences people brace themselves for when visiting older relatives, the inevitable display of old photo albums is one of the most harrowing. You might love to pore over old photos (including those on your phone and other devices) because they bring back fond memories, but other people don’t share those memories.
The images and stories you revisit repeatedly because they bring you joy don’t hold anywhere near the same meaning to those around you. They weren’t there, they don’t have any emotional connection to them, and they’ve heard all about the time that Timmy fell off the tire swing about a hundred times now. One person’s happy place is another’s excruciation, and whilst sharing stories is an important way of connecting, it can have the opposite effect when done to excess.
5. Shouting if you can’t hear properly.
This is somewhat related to the health neglect mentioned earlier: some older people who refuse to admit that they’re losing their hearing will eschew hearing aids in favor of simply cranking up the TV volume and shouting at everyone around them.
Nobody likes to be screamed at, and it can be both overwhelming and painful for most people to be subjected to high-volume noise for long periods of time. While it may be frustrating to accept hearing loss, and hearing aids aren’t always comfortable, you may find your relationships with those around you will be improved exponentially by using them.
6. Not respecting other people’s time.
If you’re going to visit a friend or family member, do you say that you’ll stop by at X time and then arrive promptly? A lot of older people don’t: they give a vague idea of when they’ll head over for a visit, and then get upset when they show up hours later and they aren’t received with grace and joy.
Some older people seem to expect others’ lives to revolve around their own schedules, rather than acknowledging that these people have their own obligations and personal pursuits to attend to. Everyone’s time is precious and should be treated as such.
7. Ordering people around.
Aging doesn’t automatically transform everyone younger than you into subordinates to order around at your whim. Nor is anyone due more respect than anyone else due to the simple fact that they’ve lived for a number of decades. You don’t get to disrespect those who are younger than you because you feel that you’ve earned a degree of superiority by surviving to the age you’ve achieved.
Many older people believe that their younger family members have to do what they say because they’re elderly. No, they don’t. You are nobody’s ruler, and what you’re ordering others to do may be wrong for them (and everyone else) on every level.
Treat others with kindness and courtesy, ask instead of demanding, respect their autonomy, and you’ll be amazed at how much happier they’ll be to spend time in your presence.
8. Sharing far too many details about your bodily functions and problems.
You spend your every waking moment in full awareness of all the interesting (and potentially horrifying) things that your body is doing, and it amuses or distresses you in turn. Since all of these issues are at the forefront of your mind — along with awareness of your imminent mortality — it makes sense that you’re preoccupied with it all.
That doesn’t mean that it’s an ideal topic of conversation, however, particularly with those who really don’t want to hear the gruesome details. There’s a lot to be said for maintaining a measure of stoicism about what one is enduring, and answering “how are you doing?” with grace and politeness. By all means, talk about your health woes with your care providers, but unless you’re in the company of people who like those kinds of details, spare them, especially at the dinner table.
Final thoughts…
None of us likes the idea that we might be turning into the curmudgeon relative whom everyone else avoids at family gatherings. There are numerous struggles associated with aging that many of us are having difficulty navigating, but there are more dignified ways to deal with them that won’t alienate those around us.
Self-awareness is key, and if you find that you’re doing things that are actively pushing away those you care about, aim to curb those behaviors and replace them with healthier ones instead.
