Just about everyone who has had to deal with narcissistic abuse will tell similar stories about how the narcissist in their life tried to rewrite their memories, and then implied that they were wrong, irrational, or downright crazy if they challenged them for doing so.
When someone is perpetually harming you and then implying that you’re the one who’s wrong, it can wreak havoc on your sanity and overall wellbeing. According to Very Well Mind, many people actually develop complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse they’ve suffered.
So why do these people try to rewrite your memories, and how do they go about doing so? Let’s take a look at the motivations behind their actions, as well as tips for recognizing them when they happen and suggestions on how to protect yourself from them.
Why do narcissists rewrite your memories?
Quite simply, so they can control both you and the narrative about their life.
Narcissists are almost always cripplingly insecure at their cores. They’re terrified of other people thinking poorly of them, which is why everything they do is geared towards positioning themselves as the smartest, most attractive, most heroic, or most vulnerable-yet-brave person in the room. Any evidence that implies the contrary must be quashed by any means necessary, and this includes the memories you have of the reprehensible behavior they regularly display.
If you check out various forums about narcissists online, you’ll notice that they’re very rarely drawn towards weak, vulnerable people. Instead, they’re drawn to those who radiate light and confidence, and they then try to break them down and manipulate them into their chosen form over time. A person who’s consistently made to question their own thoughts and memories becomes more tractable and easily manipulated. When you’re on unstable ground, it’s much easier for them to get what they want from you, and that includes you playing along with the make-believe stories they weave about themselves.
Narcissists also use these tactics to avoid accountability for poor behavior. They refuse to admit wrongdoing and will lay blame on everyone around them instead.
Consider the Narcissist’s Prayer, by Dayna Craig:
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did,
You deserved it.
They can’t tolerate being wrong, and they never apologize for any wrongdoing on their part. After all, what’s there to apologize for? Narcissists have their chosen narrative about how things went down, and if you dare to question it, you must be insane.
They’ll treat you like you’re crazy, overreacting, remembering things incorrectly because there’s something wrong with you, and so on. They’ll even inform others of your instability so that if you try to get support, those you turn to for help will question your sanity because of the doubt that’s been seeded within them.
Remember that narcissists rarely see their victims as actual people, but as objects to be moulded to their whims. It doesn’t occur to them that making you question your own mind might cause you significant harm in the long run. Why would it? They are incapable of caring about anyone but themselves, so if it doesn’t affect them, it wouldn’t even cross their minds to care.
How do they do this?
There are several ways that narcissists rewrite your memories, but the majority of them fall under the following categories:
Rewriting events from their perspective.
They may have instigated a conflict or argument, but when you try to discuss it later, they’ll reframe it in such a way that they were either the victim/martyr or savior. They’ll pretend to be terribly upset at your response, and express concern and hurt that you interpreted things in such a horrible way.
As a result, you may find yourself doubting your own memories, and end up apologizing (unnecessarily) for having been so cruel as to accuse them of wrongdoing.
Timeline shifts.
They’ll try to get you off balance by insisting that things happened in a different order than how you remembered it. For example, you might be absolutely certain that you had told them something before you went to an event together, but they’ll act just as certain that you told them afterwards instead, to keep you off balance and confused.
Gaslighting.
A narcissist could be soaked to the skin after being caught in the storm, and will insist that you’re perceiving the situation incorrectly: that they aren’t actually wet, and there’s something wrong with you if you think so. They’ll gaslight you by arguing this with such conviction that over time, you may start to wonder if you’ve actually lost your mind and can’t see the world around you clearly.
Lies about false memories.
Your narcissist might try to convince you that you said or did something that was terribly awful and hurtful to them, so you feel obligated to make it up to them somehow. You’ll have no memory of having done so because it never actually happened, but they’ll behave so convincingly, and be so distraught about your apparent memory loss, that you’ll be pushed to make things right just in case your memory is, in fact, the faulty one.
Shifting the sands.
A particularly heinous way that a narcissist may keep you unbalanced is to keep you on ever-shifting sands by manufacturing evidence and then contradicting themselves. For example, they might ask you if you’d like to order Indian food for dinner on the weekend, and then when you bring it up, they’ll act confused: they’ve always hated Indian food, so why would you even suggest it? Their goal is to keep you from ever feeling strong or secure in your own memories so they can be easily adjusted at whim.
Recruiting flying monkeys.
With regard to narcissistic abuse, the concept of “flying monkeys” refers to the Wicked Witch of the West’s minions from the Wizard of Oz. The abuser in question will go to mutual friends, acquaintances, family members, or even colleagues and tell them their own version of events.
They do this so that if they need to broach the subject you’ve been arguing about, those they’ve recruited will take their side against you. It’s really a strength in numbers approach that’s meant to overpower you and make you feel isolated and vulnerable.
Keep in mind that with all of these approaches, the narcissist will attempt to remain as calm and composed as possible, while you get increasingly more upset and frustrated. This scenario serves to reinforce their stance that they’re remembering everything perfectly, while you’re being unhinged about it all.
If you also remain calm, it puts them off balance because they don’t know how to respond. They can’t use the approaches that have always worked for them, and they’ll withdraw to regroup and attack from a new angle that’s more likely to succeed.
How to protect yourself.
Although it might feel as though you’re trapped in a nightmare that you can never escape, there are ways for you to protect yourself from their actions.
Document everything.
Write down exactly what happened, with detailed notes, dates, etc., and either keep it in a journal in a place your narcissist can’t access (like a locked drawer in your desk at work), or an encrypted file in Cloud storage or a ProtonMail draft. If it’s legal to record others without their consent where you are, consider using your phone or a hidden camera/mic to document your exchanges. Having audio and video evidence to reassure yourself (or potentially use for self-defense) at some point can be invaluable, just as long as you aren’t breaking any laws in doing so.
Additionally, enlist the help of witnesses whenever possible. Narcissists will try to convince both you and everyone around you that your memories are wrong, that you’re crazy, etc., but they can’t control perspectives when others witness their awful behaviors. If your close friends or family members haven’t witnessed your narcissist’s actions firsthand — or are on their side, in true flying monkey form — then enlist the help of professionals.
Talk to your doctor, therapist, lawyer, etc., and show them all the evidence you’ve documented. Explain to them that you’re doing so to protect yourself in case something serious happens to you, so you have advocates on your side who can speak up on your behalf.
Change your perspective to see them as pathetic, rather than powerful.
A person who’s afraid of what their narcissist might do to them will always be more vulnerable than one who views them with contempt and amusement instead.
When they lie blatantly and tell you that something didn’t happen, that you’re remembering it incorrectly, and there must be something wrong with you, view them the same way you’d view a toddler who’s covered in chocolate and insisting that you’re sad and nuts for thinking they ate all the cookies.
Once this happens, and your perspective of them shifts to seeing them as petulant, pathetic children desperately scrabbling to be ruler of the muck pile, you’ll be less affected by anything they say or do. It’ll be like the end of the film Labyrinth, in which Sarah looks at the dominating, abusive Goblin King in complete incredulity and says, with a great deal of wonder and surprise: “You have no power over me”, thus taking back her personal power and sovereignty.
Become the gray rock.
Narcissists are fuelled by emotional responses, so if you cut off their supply, they lose their influence over you. The best way to do this is to take the “gray rock” approach, in which you blank out all emotion when interacting with them.
Never argue with them to win, but instead just state your stance and refuse to be baited into any kind of exchange. If they goad you or try to antagonize you into giving them a reaction, such as with cutting insults or threats, view them as tantruming toddlers and refuse to indulge their wants.
Set hard boundaries and guard them fiercely.
If they say something really awful to get a reaction from you, simply state calmly that what they’ve said is completely unacceptable, and then leave the area. If you can’t leave that space (such as if you live together), lock yourself in another room so they can’t follow you and try to intimidate you physically.
Once things have calmed down, and they try to interact with you again, make it clear that you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior again. Once they realize you’ve started to figure them out, they will likely intensify their efforts, throwing a fit, playing the victim, insisting that they wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t hurt them, etc. Don’t give them any response whatsoever. Channel your inner Vulcan, repeat that you’ve said what you said, and that’s the end of it, and do not budge from your stance.
Be aware that the less you respond and the more boundaries you enforce, the more likely it is that they’ll extricate themselves from your life. For most people, this is a huge win: they can finally be rid of the person who’s been tormenting them, but it can also come at a price.
Narcissists who have lost control do not take it well. If you’ve been financially dependent on a narcissistic spouse or parent, and they either kick you out of your shared home or leave, that can leave you in dire circumstances.
While you’re in the process of protecting yourself and changing your life for the better, ensure that you have an escape route planned, as well as enough resources to keep you going during this transitional phase.
It may be a scary thing to navigate, but you have the power to free yourself and heal from narcissistic abuse. Recognizing their patterns and motivations is the first step you need to take.
