You’ve made big changes and set strong boundaries with your abuser in an attempt to get on with your life in peace. Things seem to be improving, your cortisol levels are dropping, and you generally feel pretty great. And then suddenly, you find out that your abuser has been trash-talking you to everyone they know in an attempt to ruin your relationships, derail your professional life, and essentially poison your existence as much as possible.
Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. It’s a common behavior of abusers when they realize they’ve lost control of their victims. And when it happens, it’s time to put the following coping strategies into action.
1. Gather evidence for your defense and document everything.
This one becomes more difficult to do after the fact, i.e., once your abuser has already started turning people against you, so if you can, prepare yourself in advance. Assume that their trash-talking you is a likely scenario, and gather as much evidence as possible to defend yourself against their slanderous accusations.
Whenever possible, communicate with them through text messages or email rather than verbally. This way, you can take screen captures of your exchanges to share with the people being turned against you, rather than trying to convince them of what had been said between you and your abuser.
Any time your abuser calls you, texts you, or shows up unannounced at your home or workplace, document the interaction with as many details as possible. If you can, get a doorbell cam that can record them stopping by to harass you. Keep detailed notes about when and how often they call you, which can be corroborated with records from your network provider.
The same goes for interactions you may have with the flying monkeys they’ve recruited against you. Basically, pretend that you’re a private investigator who’s gathering evidence to prove that someone is being harassed: the more you accumulate, the better your case against them will be.
2. Recognize that the people worth keeping in your life won’t believe your abuser unilaterally.
One of the most upsetting yet clarifying things that happened during my own abuser’s smear campaign towards me was discovering which people in my life could actually be trusted, and which ones couldn’t. Some of the individuals I thought I’d had close relationships with turned out to be willing to betray me at the drop of a hat, while others had my back in ways I never expected of them.
People who take your abuser’s word as truth, without asking for your side of the story, aren’t those who are worth being in your sphere. In contrast, those worth your time, your energy, and your trust will talk to you about the situation and listen to what you have to say before determining what they feel is the truth of the matter.
3. Don’t stoop to their level.
While you may be tempted to retaliate, either by punishing them or by starting a counter-attack, that’ll just add fuel to the fire. Your abuser is trying to paint you as an awful, unstable individual, so don’t do anything that might lead others to believe that to be true.
Instead, keep on being the most amazing version of yourself possible to everyone you come across. Think of it this way: if your abuser has told people terrible things about you to make them think you’re evil or unhinged, and the evidence of your kind, loving personality proves otherwise, that’s often enough to make people second-guess the bile they’ve heard spewed against you.
4. Take pre-emptive action when possible.
If your abuser is trying to turn everyone in your life against you, keep in mind that they can’t contact everyone you know. They don’t know everybody in your social circles, so they may have to do a fair bit of research in order to be able to contact individuals who can potentially help them to harm you.
As such, you can try to protect yourself by telling those close to you what’s going on. Tell your close friends, your partner (assuming the abuser isn’t your partner) and their family, your employer, and your healthcare providers that your abuser has started a smear campaign against you, and ask for their help in protecting you.
You might also want to file a police report, so if your abuser ever tries to accuse you of a crime you didn’t commit, your report about their abuse was established first.
5. Go gray rock.
Your abuser is doing all of these things to cause you distress, so one of the best things you can do is to behave as though their idiocy doesn’t affect you at all. Don’t engage with them, and if other people confront you about the awful things that are being said about you, simply shrug and respond with something to the effect of “yeah, (abuser’s name) is really insecure,” and move on.
Abusers thrive on the reactions they get from those they’re tormenting, so they’re generally stymied when their attempts fall short of their intended mark. This is where the phrase “going gray rock” comes from. Essentially, you want to make yourself as dull and unengaging as a boring old gray rock. Don’t display any emotion if this person shows up to harass you, and try not to let anything they do upset you. Starve them of the energy they’re desperate to feed on.
6. Get whatever support you feel is needed.
Being on the receiving end of an abusive smear campaign can wreak havoc on you, both mentally and emotionally. This abuse can disrupt every aspect of your life, causing great upheaval in your personal relationships, threatening your employment, and even damaging your reputation.
It can be difficult to navigate this type of situation alone, so don’t hesitate to get help if you feel that it’s needed. Talk to your healthcare provider if you feel that medication may help you with the anxiety and/or depression caused by their abuse, and book regular sessions with a trusted therapist to help you through this difficulty if you can.
7. Consider legal action.
If your abuser’s actions are seriously impacting your life, consult with a lawyer and/or police to see what can be done about it. Depending on where you’re located and what they’ve been doing, there may be grounds for charges such as harassment, stalking, slander, and/or defamation of character. Your legal advisor(s) can give you guidance about the steps you need to take to protect yourself.
You’d be amazed at how quickly people’s opinions can change when they find out that there are very real legal repercussions to what your abuser has been saying about you. After all, if they were true, then you wouldn’t have any grounds for legal action, right?
Additionally, said legal action can be remarkably effective at stopping their abuse. Abusers usually run rampant until they’re faced with serious consequences for their behavior, at which point they’ll play victim, but back off.
8. Cut ties, move far away, and start a new life.
This is the most extreme coping measure on this list, but it can be remarkably effective if your abuser persists in trying to make your life a living hell. For many people, the best way to deal with an insidious smear campaign that’s focused on ruining their lives is to move beyond their abuser’s scope of influence.
In my case, I changed my name and moved several hundred miles away from my abuser, cut ties with all mutual acquaintances, and only kept a few people in my life whom I could trust not to be influenced by her if she reached out to them.
Taking this route isn’t “letting them win” but is instead protecting your own peace by any means necessary. Yes, it involves massive upheaval and major life changes, but the freedom that comes from excising them from your life permanently, much like removing a malignant tumor, is indescribable.
Final thoughts…
Keep in mind that smear campaigns lose their momentum quickly, and often the truth comes out eventually. Don’t be surprised if the people who were turned against you by your abuser end up reaching out to you to apologize, and to tell you about the smear campaign that the abuser has since launched against another target.
Eventually, that abuser will only be known as a liar and a miscreant, and you will be vindicated — secure in the knowledge that you have done no wrong, and they have alienated everyone close to them with their toxic behavior.
