If you’ve spent a significant amount of time being tormented by a narcissistic abuser, you may feel like you’re crazy half the time. You likely doubt your own thoughts and emotions, think that you’re wrong about everything, believe others are judging you, and that you should probably just stay alone in your house so you don’t make anyone else feel uncomfortable.
Well, guess what? You’re NOT crazy at all. You were just tortured into feeling that way by the narcissist who made your life a living hell. Here’s how they do it:
1. Behaving as though something’s wrong with you for remembering things the way you do.
There are few experiences as invalidating and disheartening as when you drum up the courage to confront your abuser about something they’ve done, only for them to look upon you with pity, asking what could possibly be wrong with you for remembering it that way.
You could have witnessed them doing something terrible — either to you, or your child, or one of your pets — but when you lay out the details of what they did, they’ll behave as though you’ve lost your mind completely. They’ll imply that you hallucinated or imagined the entire thing, imply that you’re mentally unstable, and even threaten to put you in a psych ward for thinking that they were capable of doing anything like that.
2. Changing something and then implying it was always that way.
In the film “Gaslight”, the main character’s husband does things like dimming the lamps in the house or throwing out her belongings. Then, when she mentions the changes that occurred around her, he implies that they’ve always been that way, and that she’s mentally ill if she thinks otherwise. This is where the term “gaslighting” came from, and it perfectly encompasses this type of abusive, mind-messing behavior.
In my case, my narcissistic abuser was my mother, and she would throw away clothes of mine that she didn’t like when I was at school or otherwise out of the house. Then, when I asked whether she had seen the missing item, she’d say that she had no memory of me ever owning such a thing, and suggested that I must be confused and was thinking of one of my friends’ outfits instead.
Narcissists act so convincingly that you start to wonder whether you really are wrong, especially since this person — whom you should be able to trust — wouldn’t lie to you about something like that, right?
3. Baiting you into behaving a certain way.
A narcissist will poke and poke and poke at your most sensitive spots, and when you finally lose your cool and lash out at them to make them stop, they’ll act as though you’re behaving in an irrational, unacceptable manner for no reason whatsoever.
This is known as “reactive abuse”: when someone who’s being abused finally reaches their limit and retaliates. It’s rather like a cat who has been poked with a sharp stick over and over again, and finally swipes their tormentor with their claws. The tormentor then cries and wails about how they didn’t do anything to deserve such mistreatment. They’re trying to make their victim feel bad about hurting them so they’ll be easier to manipulate. They’ll even accuse their victim of being abusive and pretend to flinch around them to lay the guilt on as thickly as possible.
4. Questioning or arguing about anything you think or feel, so you stop being able to trust your own judgement.
Whether you have a personal preference, perspective, or simply a thought about something, the narcissist in your life will question it or argue about it. You could be an expert in your field, and they’ll ask you whether you’re sure about something you just stated, so you start to second-guess yourself rather than remaining confident in your knowledge.
They aren’t even invested in finding out the truth about the subject at hand: they honestly don’t care. The only thing they care about is making you feel uncertain so they remain in control at all times. You could go back to them later with proof that confirms what you had said, and they’ll just shrug or brush it off. It doesn’t matter to them whether they’re right or not, as long as they can make you doubt yourself.
5. Rewriting things that happened to suit their narrative.
Unless you have photographic, written, or video evidence, there’s no proof that your version of events is the correct one. Narcissists will determine what did or did not happen in any given situation, and anyone who disagrees with their narrative is either wrong, crazy, or trying to hurt them in some way.
This may happen immediately after something has occurred, or years after the fact. You’ll have your (correct) version of what unfolded, and they’ll have their fictional account, and never the twain shall meet. Furthermore, they’ll try to convince everyone they know that their version is the true one, so even if you get anyone to listen to you, they won’t believe you. After all, they’ve already heard what actually happened, with the caveat that you like to make up stories for attention and are really quite unwell. At that point, it’s damned near impossible to convince anyone otherwise.
6. Constantly criticizing you when you’re alone, but acting kindly towards you in public.
Your narcissistic abuser may put on a good show of being immensely proud and supportive of you when there are witnesses around, because they want other people to think that they’re an amazing partner, parent, etc. In private, however, they’re completely different.
They’ll criticize everything you say, do, wear, eat, watch, and so on, to the point where you second-guess your every choice just in case it’s the “wrong” one. It may have gotten to the point where all of your decisions are based on what will earn the least amount of cruelty from them.
What’s more, since your social circle has only ever seen them as the perfect person, they won’t believe you if you tell them about the criticism, and insist that this amazing, loving person in your life is just trying to help you, so you must be overreacting, misinterpreting them, etc.
7. Inconsistencies and contradictions.
One of the most insidious things about narcissists is that they put an enormous amount of effort into preventing you from being on solid ground with them. Their goal is to keep you unstable and unmoored, so they can manipulate you more easily. As such, one of the ways they drive you crazy is by constantly changing details of what they tell you, and then implying that there’s something wrong with you for remembering incorrectly.
Today, they’ll tell you that their favorite color is red, and they love pineapple on their pizza. When you show up wearing red on date night, and order pineapple on the pizza you’ll be sharing, they’ll treat you like you’re insane. After all, you’ve been together long enough to know that they like green best, and they think pineapple is disgusting. What is wrong with you?
8. Flat-out denial.
You could have photographic, video, or audio evidence of what your abuser said and/or did to you, and they’ll flat-out deny that it ever happened. They’ll say that it’s fake, that you created it with AI or some computer program, that you got someone else to pretend to be them, etc. No amount of proof whatsoever will make them admit what they did.
The closest thing you’ll ever get to a confession or a real apology is if they say “I’m sorry for EVERYTHING, okay?!” in an attempt to shut you up so you stop trying to make them feel bad. Then, in an attempt to regain the upper hand again, they’ll spend several months playing victim about how bad you made them feel when they were just doing the best they could.
Final thoughts…
Being made to feel like you’re unhinged is one of the worst aspects of surviving narcissistic abuse. When you can’t trust yourself — your own thoughts, feelings, and memories — you end up feeling adrift and ungrounded. This is what narcissists thrive upon, since an unmoored victim is a tractable one.
If you’re on a healing journey, try to find a therapist who has specialized in narcissistic abuse. Those who aren’t thoroughly familiar with these insidious tactics simply won’t be able to understand just how damaging they’ve been.
