Many people don’t realize how narcissistic abuse affects every single aspect of a person’s existence. Whether someone has experienced this abuse in childhood or in a past romantic pairing, it permanently changes how they interact with others. In particular, it will inform how a person shows up in new relationships for the rest of their life.
If you struggle with new relationships because of your past, you’re not alone. In fact, if any of the following situations feel familiar to you, it’s completely normal for someone who has lived through what you have.
1. You strive to be the version of yourself that the other person would like best, rather than being authentic.
If you lived with narcissistic abuse in the past, you would have been taught that your true self wasn’t acceptable. You learned to adapt all of your actions, choices, and reactions to make your abuser as happy as possible as a means of self-preservation.
As a result, when you meet someone who has the potential to become a new friend or romantic partner, you likely go instantly into information-seeking mode. You’re doing recon so you can tailor everything about yourself to be more appealing to them, rather than letting your authentic self shine. After all, you learned that who you really are is patently unlikable, so being the best you can be in their eyes lessens the chances of both rejection and future abuse.
2. You mistrust acts of kindness and doubt their sincerity.
Many narcissistic abusers manipulate their victims (and drive them quite insane) by constantly getting them to lower their guard, and then betraying or hurting them. Over and over again. One of the most common ways they do this is by doing small acts of kindness that make the victim think things are changing for the better, and then taking advantage of the chink in the armor afterwards.
I grew up with an atrociously abusive, narcissistic mother, and she would often do small acts of kindness in an attempt to “repair our relationship” or give me small gifts to show that she “really did care.” Those actions all came with a price tag, however, so I learned early to never trust any acts of kindness because I would end up suffering as a result. This damaged many personal relationships over the years, until the people in question earned my trust by consistently showing up and being decent towards me.
3. You’re hypervigilant about potential “red flags.”
You learned to be on high alert all the time for potential issues that may cause you harm, and that has translated to being hypervigilant about signs, behaviors, and so on that indicate this person may mistreat you.
When they speak, you likely search for hidden clues in their word choice and tone, and go on high alert if they use a phrase that your abuser(s) might have used in the past. Similarly, you may be prone to misinterpreting offhand comments and seeing them as potentially problematic when there’s no malice intended, nor any underlying threat, criticism, or abuse. In fact, you may seek out problems where there aren’t any present as an excuse to end relationships for the sake of your own perceived safety.
4. If things are going too well, you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
One of the most insidious ways that narcissists abuse their victims is by keeping them constantly on edge: nervous, uncertain, walking on eggshells because they never know if anything they say or do will result in hell being unleashed in their direction. Furthermore, most narcissistic abusers aren’t awful to begin with: they tend to be on their best behavior until they have a new partner locked in, at which point their masks slip, and their abuse comes out bit by bit.
Since you likely experienced this sort of thing in the past, you’re perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. It takes you a long time to let your guard down and allow people “in”, and you keep waiting for them to show their true colors and abuse you. Even if you’ve been with someone for years, you may still brace yourself or flinch if they act out of character, certain that you’ll finally see the true abuser behind the kind facade.
5. You overextend yourself to prove yourself worthy of love.
Your abuser may have made it abundantly clear to you that their love was conditional, and the primary condition was that you consistently proved yourself worthy of their love by the amount of effort you showed towards them.
Now, you run yourself into the ground doing nice things for others so they won’t reject you, be cruel to you, or even ghost you. Even when you have next to no energy left, you’ll spend that on those whose love or friendship you’re trying to earn and keep, instead of self-care.
6. You constantly expect the worst from your partner.
Your narcissist abuser undoubtedly punished you for perceived wrongdoing, though the punishments may differ depending on the situation. As such, you may be programmed to assume that everyone will behave the same way towards you, even if they’ve never displayed any unkindness towards you.
For instance, if you accidentally break one of your partner’s mugs, you may worry that they’ll break something you love in retaliation. You’ll spend all day bracing yourself for their reaction, thinking of all the ways you can apologize, replace it, what you’ll say to mitigate their rage, etc., only for them to tell you that it’s no big deal and that they love you. Even then, you’ll wonder if they’re messing with you rather than being kind, and wait for inevitable cruelty to follow.
7. You hold back from expressing emotions so they aren’t used against you.
Narcissistic abusers take everything their victims say and store it all away as ammunition for later — even if it isn’t used for years. Something you said or did years ago will be brought up in conversation if they’re bored and want to muckrake, or will be used as “evidence” against you when and if it benefits them in some fashion.
If you experienced this, it’s likely made you very hesitant to open up to others about your thoughts and emotions, and that’s to potential friends and lovers alike. You’re incredibly guarded with your speech, rehearsing everything you say and combing through it to ensure that it can’t be misconstrued. Furthermore, you don’t share any vulnerabilities like phobias or anxieties: it’s a case of what they don’t know can’t hurt you.
8. You hesitate to create boundaries because you don’t believe they’ll be respected anyway.
You likely tried to create boundaries in the past, only to find that not only were those boundaries overstepped, but they were crushed fiercely, so you didn’t try to create any new ones. For example, if you asked your abuser to please knock on the door before entering your room, they might have torn the door off its hinges to punish you for your audacity.
Because of this, you may not speak up about personal boundaries or try to establish any with your new partners because you assume that they won’t bother respecting them. Furthermore, you likely worry that they’ll either break up with you or punish you somehow if you try.
9. You keep one foot halfway out the door for easy escape as needed.
Sadly, one of the worst long-term effects of narcissistic abuse is loss of trust, especially when the victim was trapped in a captive situation for a long period of time. A perfect example of this would be someone who grew up with a horribly abusive, narcissistic parent, but couldn’t get away from their torment until they were legally able to do so.
As such, they always have an exit strategy planned on the off chance that they need to flee for their safety again. They will never — ever — be able to fully let their guard down because their trust was betrayed so many times. Even if you’ve been with someone for 40+ years and love them dearly, you likely have a bug-out bag and an established escape plan just in case.
Final thoughts…
These behaviors will be familiar to survivors, but may seem strange to those who haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse. The person (or people) closest to you treated you horribly, and as a result, you’ve learned to see everyone around you as a potential threat until they prove themselves otherwise. Unfortunately, they may never be able to do so because you keep them at a distance to protect yourself.
Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time, so whether you’re the one in recovery or you love someone who’s still healing, remember that patience and understanding are everything.
