When was the last time you expressed gratitude instead of complaining? Or approached an experience with curiosity instead of assumed negativity? The most miserable people you’ve ever met in your life didn’t wake up one day acting like jerks: their curmudgeonly natures evolved slowly over time, thanks to decisions they chose to make on a daily basis.
If you’re choosing the things below every day, rather than taking a more positive approach, you’re well on your way to becoming a truly miserable person yourself, and you might want to curb these behaviors sooner rather than later.
1. Neglecting your passions.
Do you regularly set aside time to do the things that you feel passionate about? Or do you put them aside because they’re frivolous, and then feel resentment that you don’t get to do anything fun?
Most people’s days are filled with obligations from work, family life, and basic personal or home maintenance, so by turning away from the things that fuel your heart, you’ll draw further away from any cheerfulness or enthusiasm about life. And indeed, research shows that having a hobby is linked to happiness and well-being.
You don’t have to dedicate all your time to a purpose (especially if you haven’t found one yet), but choosing not to partake in little, satisfying joys will extinguish the light in your heart very quickly.
2. Living a life with very little variety.
The majority of people’s minds crave variety and change, as constant monotony wears us down and sucks all the joy away from life. In fact, research shows that more variety in everyday life can improve happiness and overall dissatisfaction with existence. Yet oddly enough, many people choose to live lives of boring sameness instead of mixing things up on a regular basis.
Of course, some people, such as those who are autistic and/or who experience anxiety, are predisposed to needing routine and predictability, but they may still enjoy and benefit from new experiences so long as they are carried out with careful planning and personal control.
Whether it’s the books you read, the workouts you do, or the hobbies you pursue, throwing the odd curveball in for yourself can be a great idea. Interestingly, the universe will often give you cues as to what may be helpful to you. For example, I got caught in a rut about my usual calisthenics and was looking for something more accessible to me at the time. Immediately, I came across Erwin Le Corre and Ido Portal, and incorporated natural, fluid movement to great effect.
3. Investing in people who give you nothing in return.
When I mention investing here, I don’t mean money. Sure, most of us buy things for those we love, or lend (or give) them money on occasion, but the more precious investments we offer them revolve around time, attention, and tasks that we do for them. Many people lavish far too much of these things on those who only give them grief and misery in return.
Those who take without giving in turn may not even realize that they’re using you. In their minds, they’re getting their needs met, and you’re the one who’s helping to make that happen. As such, they may not feel the need to reciprocate — they’re not at a point in their life’s journey to make that happen.
The problem is that even the most cheerful and happy-go-lucky individuals will get hollowed out by such unequal transactions. When I’ve been in this type of position, I’ve made it a point to look at my relationships and ask myself honestly if the people I was giving everything to were even trying to be decent in turn. If not, I decided to reconsider (or end) those relationships.
4. Living in an unhealthy, uninspiring environment.
Saying “just move to a nicer place!” is usually easier said than done. You have to gather the funds to move, plus find work in an area that you want to live in, and dozens of other individually contextual issues. Even if you manage to accomplish this Herculean feat, this new place may come with its own issues, too. Moving somewhere new always comes with some risk, and sometimes it’s better to stick with the devil you know.
However, if you can move somewhere that you love, it will go a long way towards making your life far less miserable. Take small reconnaissance trips to areas you think you may like and consider jobs where you can work remotely. Be ruthless and clearly see what you like to daydream about, as opposed to what you actually want.
For example, you may romanticize the idea of a cottage in the Scottish Highlands, which will be drafty, wet, and overpriced in reality. Instead, you can buy cheaper property elsewhere and kit it out to look like a 17th-century cottage indoors, just with better heating and plumbing options.
5. Working at a soul-draining job.
Most of us have been stuck in situations where we’ve worked terrible jobs that didn’t offer us enough income to create any kind of meaningful future. If you’re in a position like this, you may be quietly convinced that your boss is actually a minor demonic entity that’s taken it upon itself to make your life as miserable as possible, and there doesn’t seem to be any way out. But that’s unlikely to be the reality of the situation, and with some effort, you can turn this trial into a catalyst for a better life.
Use your ennui to fire you into applying and training for a lifestyle that appeals to you on a soul-deep level. By creating a better future alternative, you’ll safeguard what remains of your spirit to get you through this current torment without getting fired because you threw holy water at Belinda from HR to see if she’d start smoldering.
6. Making excuses as to why you’re not taking any action to change things.
There are things in your life that you know you need to change, but every day, you decide not to take action to make that change happen. For example, you might be miserable about the state of your physical health, but you choose to stay on the couch instead of going out for a walk, or eat comfort foods instead of healthier choices.
If anyone confronts you about this, you’ll inevitably have a litany of excuses as to why you aren’t making better choices, such as that you had a rough day and need to self-soothe, or it’s raining outside, and so on. Yes, sometimes there are valid reasons not to do things, but if you don’t want to end up stuck in misery, there comes a time when you have to stop making excuses and take action.
7. Immersing yourself in other people’s lives instead of living your own.
A lot of people post queries online about how to stop being envious of other people’s lives or live in constant “FOMO” mode. The easiest solution to this is to stop spending so much time ogling others’ supposedly “perfect” lives on social media and stop comparing yourself to those folks, when you could be putting energy into making your own life happier and more fulfilled.
Every minute you spend scrolling through lifestyle influencers’ accounts and comparing them to your own life is a minute you’re not spending on your own experience here. Decide whether you want to transform your corner of the world into something fulfilling, or waste precious moments wishing you were someone else instead.
8. Choosing to consume only negative, pessimistic media.
We aren’t going to lie here by implying that most of what’s going on in the world is joyful and harmonious. That said, the media has a very negative bias because misery sells, so it’s always going to fixate more on the heartbreaking events than the beautiful ones.
The key here is to choose not to immerse solely in all the horrible news about what’s going on everywhere, but to counterbalance it with stories that uplift your soul. There’s a lot of good going on out there, too, but consuming only negative media is going to shift your mindset to how everything in the world is awful, that existence is pointless, and so on. This can make you a truly miserable person in no time flat.
Final thoughts…
Try this exercise: write a list of all the things that are making you miserable, and then cross out everything you have zero control over. Next, examine all the things that you can control, and ask yourself whether you’re taking action to improve them or not. If the answer is no, you know where you’ll need to place your focus.
Becoming a miserable goat isn’t inevitable: it’s the culmination of countless everyday choices. It’s up to you whether you continue to choose misery or move on to brighter pastures instead.
