So many people talk about how they’ve been emotionally manipulated that it’s almost impossible to believe that those who mistreated them weren’t fully aware of their own actions. After all, there had to be some degree of focus and intention behind that behavior, right? Well, not necessarily.
People respond to situations based on their own experience and maturity levels, and might not always realize the consequences of their behaviors. If you do any of the things listed below, for example, you’re likely emotionally manipulating those around you without full awareness of what you’re doing.
1. Withholding affection.
Do you ever “freeze out” those close to you if they don’t do what you want them to do? Maybe you’re more affectionate with your partner when they agree to the date ideas that you’d like, but go quiet or find excuses to avoid intimacy when they don’t. Or you’re effusively affectionate towards your kids when they do their chores and get good grades, but essentially ignore them when they’re behaving “badly” in your eyes.
According to the experts at Neuro Launch, this is a hallmark of emotional manipulation, or worse still, emotional abuse. You might respond this way due to your own upbringing and formative conditioning (i.e., if your parents treated you this way and you learned by example), but that doesn’t mean that it’s an acceptable way to treat other people.
2. Giving the silent treatment.
You might convince yourself that going quiet and refusing to acknowledge or communicate with the person in question is for the sake of your own well-being. However, if you’re capable of talking to a person you claim to love, and choose not to until they behave the way you’d prefer, you’re emotionally manipulating them in a horrible way.
According to Psychology Today, the silent treatment is a means of establishing control — a form of coercion, really — and of punishing those who don’t do what’s expected of them. It’s often used by those who feel powerless, because the only defensive (or offensive) ability they have is the use of their own voice. To deny it to others is to have some measure of control, regardless of its consequences.
3. Pretending you don’t remember things.
A lot of people pretend that they don’t remember awful things they’ve said or done to alleviate the guilt or shame they have about them. But doing so is immensely harmful, disrespectful, and manipulative to other people. This tactic is also referred to as “feigning ignorance” and is commonly used by narcissists to avoid accountability for their wrongdoing, while manipulating the situation to place the burden of responsibility on another.
Those of us with narcissistic parents experienced this often. The narcissistic parent would seem confused and couldn’t remember any details of the situation in question… except for what the other person did wrong, of course. Amazingly, those details were recalled with startling clarity.
Now is a good time to be honest with yourself about whether you do this with those close to you when you feel bad about your own poor behavior.
4. Guilt tripping.
If someone doesn’t do what you want them to do, you might respond by sighing deeply and expressing disappointment because you thought they actually cared about you. Or you might imply that something bad might happen to you, like an illness or accident, when they aren’t around, and then it would be their fault for abandoning you instead of sticking around.
In your mind, you might be simply trying to get your needs met, and are expressing your sorrow and anxiety the only way you know how. In reality, however, you’re using guilt tripping to emotionally manipulate that person because you know they don’t want to feel bad. You take advantage of that and poke at the potentially sore spot until they comply.
5. Playing the victim.
This may include (but is not limited to) emotional or trauma dumping on others in an attempt to make them feel sorry for you so you can get what you want out of the situation. Playing the victim is a strategic method of being catered to and fussed over while simultaneously controlling and manipulating those around you.
For example, you might convince a coworker to trade vacation time with you by crying and telling them excruciating details about personal traumas, and how you need this time off to heal.
Alternatively, you may seek to deflect when others are upset because you’ve mistreated them, and you instantly go on about your horrible childhood and how it made you a terrible person, and you aren’t surprised that they hate you. As a result, you end up being comforted by the very people you hurt.
6. Keeping score/bringing up the past.
When people have a conflict and agree to let bygones be bygones, they need to do exactly that, rather than keeping score. If you’re manipulative, however, you have a treasure trove of perceived wrongs and grudges from the past that you can draw from as ammunition during arguments or to gain control over a situation.
You likely do this to feel justified in whatever wrongdoing you’re trying to refuse accountability for. After all, it’s perfectly okay for you to yell at your partner or child now because they did X thing wrong a decade ago.
7. Creating crises or drama.
Maybe you’d really like to see your romantic partner on the weekend, but they have other plans that they made ages ago. Suddenly, just a couple of hours before they’re supposed to attend that function or see their friend, you have a personal crisis or health issue that needs to be attended to immediately. Oh dear, they’ve had to cancel their other plans? How very sad — but you got to see them, so that’s okay, right?
No. This is an awful method of emotional blackmail and coercive control. It’s another guilt tactic in which you’re creating a scenario where, if the person in question doesn’t do as you desire, something “bad” might happen that’ll haunt them.
8. Gaslighting.
If you aren’t familiar with the term gaslighting, it’s where a person implies that someone is mentally unstable or remembering things incorrectly as a means of controlling their behavior.
If you’ve ever told someone that they’re crazy or should seek help because they took something you said out of context, or that you didn’t say or do X thing (that you did), that’s a reprehensible form of emotional manipulation and abuse.
Causing another person to question their own memory, their own judgement, and their own sanity can cause irreparable damage. Perhaps you think you’re protecting yourself from harm because you don’t want to face accountability (or another person’s anger or disappointment) for something you’re ashamed of. But if this is a tactic you use, you need to be aware of just how much harm you’re doing to others in the process.
9. Implying that they’re responsible for your emotions or actions.
Have you ever said something like “That wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t make me upset” or “It’s your fault for making me mad”? Phrases like these are used to blame others for your own emotions or actions, and make others responsible for regulating your emotions for you.
Nobody is responsible for your emotions or how you behave because of what you’re feeling. If you punch through a wall, set their belongings on fire, or any other outlandish reactions, that’s all on you. No one can “make” you feel anything, nor are they controlling your limbs like a deranged puppeteer. These are your choices, so you’ll need to take responsibility for them.
Final thoughts…
We are all products of our upbringing and life experiences, but it’s up to us to determine whether we flow along the same current in which we were placed or choose to change direction. Old habits can be unlearned with focus, diligence, and techniques like cognitive or dialectical behavioral therapy, which lead to greater self-esteem and healthier, stronger relationships.
The key is to want to change for the better, rather than falling back on familiar emotional manipulation tactics just because they’re familiar and therefore easier to put into practice, even if you know you’re hurting others by doing so.
