Arguments can be fun in context, such as if you and your friend are arguing about who would win in an Epic Rap Battle, or whether ruffled potato chips are better than regular. Heated arguments about serious issues are significantly less pleasant, and get even worse if you’re dealing with someone who’s a master manipulator.
This is because they aren’t just dedicated to winning by any means necessary: they also want to destroy their opponent in the process so that they’re less likely to stand up to them again. Below are some of the most common things master manipulators might bring up to try and shut you down by any means possible.
1. Your past mistakes or failures.
If a manipulator feels that they’re losing ground in an argument, they’ll expand outwards for fuel to add to the fire. Rather than keeping the discussion about the issue at hand, they’ll reach into the past to draw forth your failures, embarrassments, or other missteps to both put you off balance and undermine your current stance.
I remember arguing in favor of buying a particular piece of equipment, and being told that I couldn’t because losing my house keys was proof that I was too irresponsible to take care of it. That happened when I was seven years old, but still, it was used as evidence in favor of the person I was arguing with.
2. Perceived flaws about you.
Master manipulators will exploit your insecurities and perceived flaws, exaggerating them to the point of distortion, much like funhouse mirror images. They do this so you’ll feel less confident about standing up to them in the hope that you’ll instead curl inwards to protect your ego from their scathing scrutiny, allowing them to win by default.
Personal attacks might include things like telling you that you’ll say something worth listening to when you learn how to put down a fork, or that someone with your hairline doesn’t have the right to be so assertive. Ultimately, they seek to shock, hurt, and silence you so that you’ll stop arguing with them and they can claim victory.
3. Bringing others into the argument.
This can be a “flying monkey” situation if the person in question ropes others in to attack you with strength in numbers. They’ll call them over, give their (biased) side of the argument, claim that you’re ridiculous in your belief to the contrary, and then ask what they think about it. More often than not, the flying monkeys will side with the manipulator so they don’t come under attack next.
Another approach the manipulator might take is to imply that other people think X thing about you, thus undermining your stance. They do this when they’re grasping at straws and have no rational evidence to bring to light. Depending on who they are, they might say something like “No wonder your ex thought you were a nightmare” or “And this is why your friends stopped inviting you to things.”
4. The temper tantrum.
Some people have weak emotional thresholds and lose their tempers very easily, while others might lose it when just one more thing goes wrong for them that day. This isn’t that kind of a situation. Here, we’re talking about what happens when a manipulator has the epiphany that they aren’t just losing an argument: they’re losing it badly.
This is the point at which their facade drops, and they start smashing things and yelling incoherently. They do this as an intimidation tactic to get you off topic and make you feel scared, acquiescent, etc.
Essentially, they’re hoping that you’ll either back off or pander to them by agreeing, so things can get peaceful again. When this happens, it’s of the utmost importance that you don’t back down. Maintain your stance and your strength, and call the emergency services if they get violent towards you or themselves.
5. An armchair diagnosis in an attempt to discredit you.
You’ve likely seen a trend recently in which armchair psychologists see fit to diagnose others based on rudimentary information about them. For example, if someone behaves in a slightly selfish manner, they’re labeled a narcissist, and if someone is passionate about a particular topic, well, they must be autistic.
For master manipulators, turning someone into a diagnosis is a dehumanizing tactic that allows them to disrespect and dismiss just about anything they have to say. It’s akin to them saying that their opponent is ignorant about a subject if they don’t have a PhD in it. If they’re suddenly a syndrome instead of a human being, they’re considered a lesser form of life, and the argument is thus rendered null and void.
6. All the times you’ve hurt them.
If bringing up your past failures isn’t enough for the manipulator in question to win the argument, they’ll go full metal victim and bring up your past trespasses towards them instead. Those past transgressions may not have anything to do with the current argument, but are brought up solely to paint you in the wrong. They seek to win by silencing or alienating you, since they don’t have the moral high ground in any way, shape, or form.
You could be arguing with your partner about finances, and they’ll say that this is just like how you made them feel when you broke their favorite whatsit and didn’t tell them. Or you might be arguing with your mother about how she disrespects your boundaries, and she’ll bring up how many hours she labored in agony to bring you into the world. These issues are completely irrelevant in that moment and are merely used to elicit guilt and sympathy.
7. Your personal leanings.
If the other approaches or tactics listed here don’t apply to you, a master manipulator will draw from another subject: your ideologies, interests, or preferences. They’ll use whatever is interesting or important to you and use it as ammunition against you.
Oh, you’re into weapons and battle-sim computer games? You must be a violent psychopath, and they’re afraid to argue with you further. You’re interested in a spiritual path that’s different from their own? You must be a zealot (or a woefully uneducated heretic) and aren’t worth talking to.
8. Your health issues: both physical and mental.
This is one of the most vile things a manipulator will bring up in an argument, and is a devastating and cruel approach to invalidate and silence you. When they’ve exhausted all other approaches, they’ll bring up issues about your health — physical or mental — that somehow “prove” that you’re incapable of discussing the topic at hand in any logical or rational manner.
They do this to lessen your value and also to imply that you’re both a burden and incapable of functioning without them. They might take the approach that your mental illness or chronic pain renders you incapable of thinking clearly, so you can’t argue your points rationally. Or they might accuse you of having a psychotic break to undermine anything you’re saying.
If this person is your caregiver or a close family member, they might even try to have you hospitalized against your will “for your own good”… at which point they believe they’ve won the argument in question, without thinking about the long-term ramifications of that action.
Final thoughts…
While arguments are inevitable, dealing with manipulative types is a choice. If you realize the person you’re arguing with is intent on attacking you personally instead of arguing the point at hand, you can refuse to continue the discussion and remove yourself from that potentially harmful situation.
There’s nothing wrong with stepping away from a fight when you realize your opponent refuses to fight fairly. If they feel that they’ve “won” as a result, that’s fine. Let the tantruming toddler have their cookie: you know the truth of the situation.
