Most of us have had relationships that we look back on and shake our heads about. Some of our experiences might have been downright disturbing at times — especially in retrospect.
Maybe you’ve been relaying what you thought was a funny or weird story about your ex to a friend, and you suddenly realized just how terrible that person’s behavior was. Or you’re happy in a current partnership and wake up to how awful the previous ones were. Either way, if any of your exes behaved in the ways listed here, toxic love was definitely part of those relationships.
1. Future faking.
This is one of the most insidious things a person can do to another. Psychology Today reports that future faking is where a person behaves as though they see a future with you and makes plans towards said future, when really they’re just playing pretend while you think they’re being sincere.
Countless people have had their worlds collapse around them when they’ve suddenly woken up to the fact that the person they thought they were building a life with was simply using them as a form of escapism from their life woes. This kind of toxic “love” is all an act, and the person had no sincere long-term intentions towards them whatsoever.
2. Relentlessly seeking to make you fit their preferences.
Have any of your past partners tried to make adjustments to you so that you’d suit their personal preferences? According to marriage experts, this is often a type of controlling or manipulative behavior.
It could have been as subtle as buying you clothes that they thought would look good on you (but weren’t your style at all) to trying to convince you to do things you weren’t interested in because that’s what they preferred.
If this sounds familiar to you, you likely experienced a toxic relationship: instead of dating someone who ticked all their boxes, they chose you and tried to change you into the version of yourself that they’d like better.
My partner and I have both experienced this type of thing before, and truly appreciate each other for who we are. It’s great if you and your partner are both seeking to change or improve yourselves and you’re both supporting each other, but it’s quite another if your ex just saw you as a cardboard cutout; an extension of them and their wants, and a possession rather than a sovereign human being.
3. Often telling you (or others) what you think and what you like instead of consulting you.
Few things are as frustrating or irritating as when someone informs you of what you think or like instead of having the courtesy and respect to ask you. Things get even worse if they deign to answer on your behalf when you’re out with others and someone asks your thoughts or preferences instead of respecting you enough to let you speak for yourself.
One (or more) of your exes might have ordered food for you that you didn’t like at a restaurant and then been upset when you chose something else. Or told others what you think or feel about a situation, only to get angry when you argued. Later, they might have said that you embarrassed them by contradicting them in front of other people, or implied that you were intentionally trying to be difficult and hurtful.
4. Not letting you eat or do certain things.
Some people get it into their heads that it’s okay to control their partner’s choices. They might do so under the guise of “trying to help” or say that they have certain boundaries that others have to adhere to. But ultimately, it’s a dominative, controlling behavior that’s a seriously toxic type of “love”.
Your partner might have prevented you from eating certain foods or spending time with specific people because they “weren’t good for you,” or said that you couldn’t play certain music or watch the films you like because they didn’t like them. As such, you had to wait until they were out or asleep before you could engage in your pastime or interest of choice, instead of having the freedom to live life on your own terms.
5. Betrayal.
This doesn’t necessarily mean just one big betrayal, like cheating on you with one of your siblings or jilting you at the altar, but could also be the result of lots of little letdowns. For example, they might have divulged secrets you had told them in confidence, failed to stand up for you in front of others, or not been transparent about their plans, spending, and so on.
All of these small betrayals erode a relationship bit by bit, like sandpaper wearing away at a piece of wood. They may not have been seen as a big deal at the time, and you may have written it off as them just going through their own stuff or even being oblivious about the consequences of their actions. But even if they were unaware of how their behavior affected you, their betrayal likely still left a mark.
6. Unfounded mistrust.
It’s said that every accusation is a confession. Maybe your ex was constantly accusing you of flirting (or even cheating on them) with other people, without any justification, or implying some other wrongdoing that you were completely innocent of doing.
In some cases, they might have been projecting emotions from their past relationships onto you, and assuming that you were behaving the same way a former partner was. Alternatively, they might have been the ones doing wrong but accusing you of it to absolve themselves. This is a classic type of projection in relationships. Either way, unfounded accusations are utterly toxic because there’s no reasoning someone out of a mistaken stance that they didn’t reason themselves into.
7. Threatened self-harm if you left them.
If your partner ever threatened to harm themselves if you left them because they can’t bear to think of life without you, that’s a form of emotional abuse. It’s manipulative and toxic as hell, because they’re putting the responsibility for their well-being onto you: if you had the audacity to walk away for the sake of your own sanity, and they hurt themselves as a result, then you’d have to deal with the guilt of that action forever.
In no way is this okay behavior from anyone. If any of your exes did this, it might have felt flattering in a way, inasmuch as they felt that they couldn’t live without you, but also put immense pressure on you to stay in a situation that you didn’t like. Chances are, they broke up with you eventually, but they wanted to be the ones to control that action — not you.
8. Dropping the mask (when they thought they had you).
A lot of people are on their best behavior until they think they’ve gotten their partner “locked in”, at which point their mask drops and their true colors shine through. This might take months or even years to happen, but when it finally does, you’re left wondering how the amazing person you were dating was swapped with someone this atrocious.
This kind of bait-and-switch scenario is awful because it not only means that you’ve sunk a significant portion of your life into someone who didn’t actually exist, but your trust in future relationships is bound to be damaged. The concept of “what you see is what you get” is destroyed: you’ll always wonder what’s actually lurking beneath the surface.
9. Physical transgressions.
Maybe your girlfriend slapped your arm during an argument, or your boyfriend grabbed your wrist when you were trying to walk away. Alternatively, your partner might have initiated sex while you were asleep and couldn’t consent, or kept touching you in ways you had established were uncomfortable or unwanted.
Some people feel entitled to their partners’ bodies, while others might have double standards in that they feel it’s okay to grab or hit their significant others, but there would be hell to pay if their partners did the same thing in turn.
Final thoughts…
None of us is born with innate knowledge of what it takes to be a decent partner: that’s learned through trial and error. We all make mistakes in our relationships, but the key is to learn from those mistakes so we don’t end up repeating them.
It’s when someone has been told (or shown) that their actions aren’t okay, and they choose to keep doing them regardless, that the love they claim to have is shown to be toxic and controlling instead of sincere.
