Most of us have read stories or watched documentaries about people who have survived real hardships and found out what kept them going while those around them were falling apart. Some survived war zones, others cut themselves free from horrible accidents and walked for miles to find safety, while others buckled down and withstood seriously horrible circumstances for years.
What separates these people from those who crumble and give up easily? Well, they’re usually immensely emotionally stable and resilient, and they put the following actions into practice during hard times.
1. They take stock of the situation and do what they can with what they have.
My partner and I have both experienced periods of abject poverty, and we learned to get very creative with what was available to us at the time. Sometimes this involved innovative ways to use seemingly disparate pantry ingredients for nutritious meals, or learning techniques to mend or fix items we couldn’t afford to replace.
Necessity isn’t just the mother of invention: it’s also the impetus behind learning a wide range of skills so one can make do and mend. I wouldn’t have learned basic electrical and plumbing maintenance for the sheer fun of it, but did so because things needed to be done, the same way my partner learned how to build outdoor stoves, and learned all about wild edible foods and medicines to forage for in the woods nearby.
2. They release whatever doesn’t serve them in the moment.
When an emotionally stable person is dealing with hardship, they go into triage mode and discard whatever isn’t going to help them right then and there. They understand that they can’t afford to carry unnecessary baggage—whether that’s physical clutter, mental preoccupations, or emotional burdens that drain their energy. They quickly assess what’s essential for their immediate survival and wellbeing, and let go of everything else.
This might mean abandoning a cherished but impractical possession during an emergency evacuation, or setting aside long-held grudges when they need to work with someone to get through a crisis.
An example of this might be selling instruments and books you love but rarely use when money is tight, choosing instead to focus your resources on essentials like food and shelter. Similarly, you might need to let go of pride and ask for help when needed, rather than clinging to self-sufficiency that’s not serving you in that moment.
3. They focus on what they can do, not what’s beyond their reach.
The main point of doing this is to be as balanced as they can between their own capability and whatever crisis they’re facing. Essentially, they take the emotional middle road.
Rather than getting frustrated and lashing out in every direction (which achieves nothing, wastes time, and cultivates poor feelings all around), they pour all their energy into doing things they can achieve fairly quickly and easily.
For example, if the power infrastructure around them goes down and their water pump no longer works, they might rig up a well and purify the water that’s drawn from it. They don’t have the know-how or the means to go and sort out the power station, but they can take an alternate route to ensure that they have access to clean water.
4. They take care of those around them.
Many of us expect an “Aha!” moment when we finally level up to mature, respected adulthood, but that rarely arrives. Instead, the way a person can tell that they’ve stepped into a position of maturity and leadership is that they make a point of taking care of those around them, even when the load on their own back is a heavy one.
They may feel absolutely awful, tired beyond reckoning, with countless issues and problems at the door, but they have them handled. Furthermore, they make sure that the drain is fixed, the neighbors have clean drinking water for themselves and their children, their rabidly premenstrual wife has chocolate and flowers, and those they love are taken good care of.
5. They accept what is rather than being in denial about it.
If recent history (and situations currently unfolding) have taught us anything, it’s that there’s a stark contrast between the realists who are fully aware of what’s happening around them and those who refuse to see it and instead choose to pretend that everything’s just fine.
Emotionally stable people are fully aware of what’s going on and accept it instead of wishing that things were different and refusing to engage until things improve. They might mourn what was lost, or get stressed about how they’re going to carry on, but this acceptance is what gives them the strength to do what needs to be done. Accepting what is doesn’t mean surrendering your power; it’s quite the opposite, in fact.
6. They communicate clearly and effectively.
In a crisis situation, they speak clearly and calmly rather than getting hysterical or shouting. Others might be screaming and freaking out, but emotionally stable people will be able to cut through their panic with a strong, reassuring timbre. In a crisis, they are the foundation that everyone else looks to.
Essentially, by maintaining their equilibrium, they modulate and regulate those around them. They won’t yell at someone who’s panicking, but will instead remain calm to inspire that person to mirror them. Then they’ll give that person a tangible task to focus on in order to redirect their panic into helpful forward momentum.
7. They recognize their shortcomings and work with those who counterbalance them.
We’re all great at certain things, but the reality of existence is that life is too short to excel at all of them. The most emotionally stable people are honest with themselves and realize that while they might be amazing at some things, others are better left to those who are far more skillful with them. They can play supportive roles, but leave certain tasks to the expert.
For example, my partner will make wonderful, enthusiastic “mmm” sounds when sampling my efforts in the realm of cooking, or mention how “interesting” the meal is, followed by a query as to exactly what seasonings I might have used. In truth, she’s a great cook, so it’s best that I stick to prep work or get other chores done in or around the house while she brews up her magic. Similarly, I’m physically stronger and can do more heavy lifting and woodsman stuff, so she helps in a supportive role by holding logs steady so I can buck them down quickly and efficiently.
8. They appreciate the good things instead of lamenting their difficulties.
Those of us who have experienced great hardship are fully aware that the wheel of fortune inevitably turns. As a result, we’ve learned to appreciate all of life’s small blessings when they occur, instead of lamenting all that was, or could have/should have been, or what has been lost, etc.
For example, things might be dire outside, but right now at this moment, there’s a fire in the hearth, a bowl full of hot soup, and loved ones safe and healthy within easy reach. Money might be tight, but there are no holes in their shoes. They may be dealing with a challenging diagnosis, but right now, there is peace, and time spent together, and so on.
“A happy century does not exist, but there are moments of happiness, and there is freedom in the moment.”
― Ernst Jünger
9. They remain present and keep on keeping on.
Many of the books I read in my youth were written in the middle of the last century, including The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, The Black Cauldron, Weirdstone of Brisingamen, and so on. These were mostly fantasy and adventure books, and one thing that I noticed was that in nearly all of them, the heroes had to tighten their belts, grit their teeth, and keep on carrying on regardless of the obstacles and trials that lay in their path.
Emotionally resilient people generally don’t focus their gaze on the far-away point they need to reach, but instead, they set one foot in front of the other and plod along until they get where they need to be. Their entire focus is on the present step, and then the next, and this is what allows them to keep moving forward even when the hounds of hell are at their heels and the great unknown lies before them.
Final thoughts…
Most people who haven’t experienced severe hardship before have great difficulty negotiating it when it happens. I say “when”, not “if”, because real hardship is inevitable in almost everyone’s life.
Cultivating resilience and establishing contingency plans is a great way to ensure that you’ll be able to do the best you can when the SHTF, but there will be times when the unexpected occurs and you’ll need to negotiate seriously uncomfortable situations. Put the actions listed here into regular practice when times are good and they’ll become second nature when the wheel turns dark once again.
