A lot of people joke about the fact that their parents were cold and distant when they were kids, but the truth is that a surprising number of people had to deal with caregivers who showed little interest in being in their lives at all.
Everything we experience during our formative years ends up having an impact on us, and those whose parents were emotionally absent tend to develop the same types of traits. If people you know exhibit the following behaviors in adulthood, there’s a very good chance that their parents were emotionally unavailable when they were young.
1. Retreating into solitude when in pain or upset.
Those who grew up emotionally neglected were quick to discover that if they were in pain, sad, scared, or otherwise upset, they had to deal with their issues on their own: their parents would either invalidate whatever they were experiencing or find their neediness annoying.
As a result, when they’re hurting or upset as adults, they retreat into themselves and choose solitude over vulnerability: they’re certain that if they admit to hurting, those around them will just put them down. These folks are also likely to shut down when conflict arises and simply go along with what’s expected of them, since they learned that advocating for themselves inevitably led to greater suffering or punishment.
2. Doing everything themselves.
When a young person learns that nobody is going to come to their aid when they need help, or that they’ll be mocked for their incompetence, they quickly figure out how to do as much as they can by themselves. Furthermore, they also learn that since no one is going to help them get the thing done (or properly, for that matter), they can only ever rely on themselves as well.
Psychology Today reports that this often leads to extreme self-reliance in adulthood, occasionally to their detriment. For example, since they can’t trust others to take care of responsibilities to their standards, they may take on far too much work themselves and end up burning out.
My partner is a perfect example of this, and she has suffered real ill health effects from taking on everything by herself rather than delegating tasks to others — even if they’re fully capable of handling them. It’s taken us years for her to recognize that she can trust me to take care of things so she doesn’t have to be responsible for everything.
3. Not sharing things they’re passionate or happy about.
Few things are as devastating to a person as when they share something they’re truly excited or happy about, only to have their enthusiasm popped like a bubble by an offhand remark about how nobody cares, or that their interest is juvenile or stupid. Parents who were emotionally absent likely showed little interest in what made their children happy, or ridiculed their kids for their fascination with impractical or “useless” pursuits. Mental health experts advise the result is that these people grow up to have a fear of showing such emotions.
When those kids grow up to be gifted musicians, artists, athletes, etc., they won’t share their accomplishments with their parents because they know they’ll get no support or recognition for them. Similarly, they’ll keep their accolades from peers and even partners because they’re afraid that those close to them will be similarly dismissive or condemning.
They’ve learned that it’s better and smarter to keep these things to themselves than risk losing joy for their passions due to someone else’s mockery.
4. Discomfort with physical affection.
Emotionally absent parents may have been physically present when their kids were young, but weren’t particularly physically affectionate. They may have shied away from hugs or been annoyed when their little ones wanted to be held, leading to children who were starved for physical comfort and reassurance.
Although a small portion of people who had absent parents may become very needy for physical affection, many of them will develop discomfort with it instead. Since they grew up being shamed for wanting to be held, they’ll push away those who try to cuddle with them now. They may be steadfast non-huggers and might even have difficulty being physically intimate with romantic partners.
5. Lack of interest in celebrating birthdays or holidays.
When a young person is perpetually disappointed by birthday or holiday celebrations, or had it reinforced that these dates didn’t really matter, they stop looking forward to celebrating them whatsoever. After all, raising their hopes that this time, this year, someone will make them feel special on one of these occasions will inevitably lead to broken hopes and dreams.
As adults, they may not celebrate these occasions at all, and might even avoid telling others what their birth date is so they’re never disappointed by other people’s lack of effort towards them. In their mind, it’s “just another day”, so that’s how they’ll treat it.
6. People-pleasing tendencies.
When parents are emotionally absent, some children do everything they can to try to gain their attention and approval. For some, this means trying to be the best possible versions of themselves in the hope that their parents will see and acknowledge their efforts. Others learn to anticipate their parents’ needs or sense their emotional changes, so they can adapt their behavior to what would be preferable.
This behavior can continue well into adulthood and takes the form of “people pleasing”. Folks like this will quash their own needs and preferences for the sake of making other people happy, and will either avoid creating any personal boundaries whatsoever or will let others overstep them at will. Essentially, they’ll do whatever they think needs to be done to ingratiate themselves with the people whose love they’re trying to earn (or keep).
7. Difficulty forming attachments.
Those who had emotionally absent parents usually have difficulty forming strong bonds with other people. They didn’t have a strong, secure connection to their earliest caregivers, and that distance was reinforced as they aged, so they never learned what it meant to truly love, trust, and bond with another person.
As a result, they’re often distant from friends and romantic partners, remaining detached rather than cultivating close-knit relationships. If a breakup happens, they don’t think much of it: they’ll just regroup and move on to the next friend or lover. That said, they may form attachments to animal companions, especially if they had close bonds with pets in early childhood. If their pets were their only solace in a cold, distant family, then they’ll often grow up to care more deeply for animals than humans.
8. Reinventing themselves because they don’t have a strong sense of identity.
People whose parents were their greatest lodestars and cheerleaders growing up generally develop a strong sense of self. They know who they are, they feel confident in their perceptions, and express themselves as authentically as possible.
In contrast, those whose parents were absent, neglectful, or even contemptuous of them often don’t have a strong sense of self: they were so busy either trying to earn their parents’ love or gain attention that they never really got to know themselves on a fundamental level. As a result, they reinvent themselves to suit whichever social group they’re trying to befriend, or they’ll try on several different personae, aesthetics, religions, and so on in the hope that they’ll find the one that fits them properly.
Final thoughts…
Most parents don’t intend to be emotionally absent with their children. In fact, a lot of them don’t realize how much damage they’ve done until several years have passed, and they can’t understand why they don’t have a close relationship with their offspring.
Many of them spent years working hard to provide for their kids, not realizing that their absence or detached behavior affected their kids so deeply. Damage caused by this neglect can’t be undone, but it’s possible to mitigate it if everyone involved is willing to put real time and energy into forging new, sincere relationship bonds.
