It’s a challenge to turn off the parenting vibe when your child starts to become an adult. There’s a common saying that “you’re a parent for life,” which is true, but doesn’t necessarily communicate the whole truth well. Yes, you’re a parent for life, but as people grow and change, you have to grow and change, too, if you want to preserve your relationship.
You won’t be able to keep fixing things for your child. They may rebel against it, or they may just not want to be fixed. If you keep trying, they may just resent you for it. So, how do you stop?
1. Allow yourself to evolve your role.
Instead of being a director for a young child, you’re now more of a consultant for your adult child. In most cases, they are going to want their autonomy and independence, the freedom to make their own decisions, for better or worse.
It’s a hard thing to let go of and change because you spend so many years taking care of your child, fixing their problems, and making sure that they’re okay. If that’s how you parented, then you may find yourself falling back into those habits even as they get older. But you need to evolve your role if you want your adult child to truly thrive.
As Empowering Parents shares, trying to fix their problems for them removes the responsibility and growth that comes with the choice to improve. They have to learn how to do it for themselves, otherwise they won’t be able to handle life when you’re not around to caretake them – and you won’t be forever.
2. Examine your need to “fix.”
The impulse to try to fix is often rooted in fear. As a loving parent, you don’t want your child to go through hardship or heartbreak. One of the hardest things you ever have to do is watch someone you love and care about struggle, or just not care about themselves. It’s like watching your house burn down, knowing you can’t do a thing about it other than watch the fire burn.
Unfortunately, this desire to fix can undermine an adult child’s growth as a person. Facing challenges in life is what helps you gain wisdom. It helps you learn how to handle other problems that are going to come along.
As unkind as it may seem in the moment, it’s often better to just watch the fire burn until they are ready to put it out. As the therapists at New Approaches share, it’s perfectly reasonable to intervene if it’s a safety issue, but otherwise, your adult child should be encouraged to exercise their independence.
3. Embrace curiosity over judgment.
People are often judgmental. It’s a difficult thing to keep under control if you’re used to just jumping on those thoughts and following them, instead of questioning them. Your adult child is undoubtedly going to make decisions and do things that you disagree with. Instead of being judgmental or angry, try curiosity instead.
“Why did you decide to make that decision?”
That opens a door for a conversation to be had, rather than judgment, which will close the door. After all, who wants to explain themselves to someone who doesn’t seem like they want to be understanding? All that does is cause distance between people because they won’t feel inclined to allow themselves to be vulnerable.
4. Only offer help or advice when asked.
As a parent, your natural instinct may be to try to swoop in and fix your adult child’s problems when they’re struggling. After all, that’s likely what you’ve been doing for the first several years of their life. However, a budding young adult may see that as an intrusion on their independence and growth, so they may not want the help.
If you do decide to step in to help without being asked, you run the risk of your adult child closing off. They may not feel confident that you can let them handle their life if they were to keep you fully updated. Instead, it may cause them to withdraw and not share so openly, which will make it even harder to help if they genuinely need it.
This was an interesting life lesson for me, because I’ve been around the block enough to give a pretty adequate perspective or help with different things, but you learn to temper that. Very few people want that kind of intrusion in their lives, and understandably so.
It subconsciously communicates that you don’t trust that they can handle what they’re dealing with, which isn’t something people want to feel. If you’re an adult or becoming an adult, you don’t want other people butting into your life and making decisions for you. It robs you of your autonomy and life experience.
So, I always ask. “Do you just need me to listen? Or do you want help or advice?” Shockingly, direct communication like that leads to direct and clear answers where feelings don’t get hurt and boundaries aren’t stepped on. I know. I’m just as shocked as you are.
5. Accept that struggle is part of growth.
No empathetic person wants to watch another person suffer. Certainly, no loving parent wants to watch their child suffer, particularly with struggles that you’ve already been through yourself. However, we deprive other people of their chance to grow and flourish if we interfere too much with their journey.
Sometimes you have to go through hard things to learn the lessons that you need to learn. Getting things wrong is how you gain wisdom and learn what not to do. It’s like telling a child not to touch a hot stove.
“It’s hot, and you’re going to burn yourself. Stay away from it.”
And then, as soon as you turn your attention back to chopping vegetables, there comes the shrill cry of a kid who touched the stove. (This may or may not be a true story from my childhood. Cough. Cough.) Bet they don’t touch it again, right? Life’s much the same way. Consider how many valuable life lessons you learned by “touching the stove” and how important it was for your development.
You don’t want to deprive your child of those opportunities.
6. Focus on connection.
After your child becomes an adult, there will come a point when your interests and perspectives start to misalign. Instead of trying to correct something you view as wrong, focus on finding more ways to connect with your child in their interests. That way, you can build a more adult-oriented friendship with your child instead of a fully parental approach.
Schedule some activity time together to help build that different rapport. Invite them to some more adult activities, or ask to be included in what they’re doing so you can experience it, too. That will give you more time and opportunity to help strengthen your bond and encourage it to grow.
A last word…
Even if you take all of these steps to try to connect and grow with your adult child, you may still find that you feel that need to fix. Instead, it may be helpful for you to focus on how you raised your child. Did you try to fill them with empathy and love? Empower them to make good choices?
If you did, know that those things are still in there, guiding them through their own decision-making processes. The way you raised them is something they will carry forward with them for the rest of their lives, even if they don’t make the right decisions all the time. And they won’t. That’s just life.
