Do you want to raise confident, resilient children who feel secure in themselves and their place in the world? Of course you do. Who doesn’t? But with endless parenting advice swirling around us, it’s easy to get caught up in the mechanics of sleep schedules, screen time limits, and educational activities. In doing so, we lose sight of something far more fundamental: how our children feel when they’re growing up.
I know, I know—feelings can seem abstract when you’re dealing with the very concrete reality of daily parenting. But stay with me, because the emotional experiences you create for your child today become the map they use to navigate the world tomorrow.
You don’t need to be perfect (thank goodness, because none of us are). You just need to consistently nurture certain feelings to set them on their journey as best you can.
1. Safe to make mistakes.
Mistakes are going to happen whether you like it or not. Your seven-year-old will spill that juice (probably many times), forget their homework, or tell you a version of events that doesn’t quite add up. It’s how you respond in these moments that makes all the difference.
When you react with “What have you done?!” versus “Accidents happen, let’s clean this up together,” you are teaching your child whether mistakes are something to fear and avoid at all costs or just a part of being human.
It’s not just about unintentional mistakes either. For example, in the past, when my kids made poor choices and were clearly trying to cover their tracks by lying, I used to launch in with “Are you lying to me?” in that accusatory tone we’ve all used. Did it help? No. All it did was spark shame and fear of mistakes in my kids and make them feel unsafe to admit the truth. Instead, I’ve found phrases like “Help me understand what happened here,” or “I can see you’re worried about telling me something. You’re safe to be honest with me” generate much more fruitful conversations.
Children who feel safe making mistakes become adults who take healthy risks, bounce back from setbacks, and admit when they’ve messed up rather than keeping secrets that only make things worse.
2. Heard and understood (not just listened to).
If your child says, “I hate school,” your first instinct might be to reassure with something like: “No, you don’t, you love seeing all your friends!” It undoubtedly comes from a good place. After all, you’ve listened and now you’re reassuring them to make them feel better. But there’s a huge difference between listening to your child and actually understanding them.
Real understanding starts with curiosity, not solutions. Instead of jumping to fix or dismiss, try something like: “That sounds really hard. What’s making school feel awful right now?” There’s a good chance the conversation that follows will surprise you.
Not only are you more likely to get to the bottom of things and get to know your child better, but when kids feel truly understood, they’re more likely to keep talking to you as they grow up. And isn’t that what all loving parents want?
What’s more, there is so much research now that shows that children learn emotional intelligence and valuable emotional regulation skills when we help them explore their feelings rather than shut them down.
3. Unconditionally loved (regardless of their successes or failings).
Unconditional love means your child feels valued for existing, not just for performing well or pleasing you. On the flip side, conditional love teaches kids that they only deserve love if they behave in certain ways. And whilst no loving parent intentionally teaches their child the latter, it can be a message we unconsciously send.
It’s in those moments when your child has behaved poorly, or achieved less than they’re capable of, that they’re watching most carefully to see if your love wavers. The child who feels unconditionally loved knows that even when you’re upset about their choices or behavior, the relationship itself isn’t in jeopardy.
This doesn’t mean becoming a pushover or pretending you’re not disappointed. It means your child can feel your frustration about their choices while still feeling secure in your love for them as a person. The language you choose matters enormously here. For example, saying “I’m disappointed in this choice” versus “I’m disappointed in you” sends a completely different message.
Therapists frequently have to deal with the long-lasting effects of children who grow up believing love is conditional. They’re often either anxious high-achievers constantly seeking approval, or they’ve given up entirely, believing they’ll never be good enough. Neither of which is good for a happy and healthy adult life.
4. Capable and competent.
If you’re impatient with a side of control freak, like me, you’ll understand the frustration of watching your five-year-old struggle with that zipper when you could just do it in two seconds. It’s pure parenting torture.
But kids need to feel empowered. And every time we step in to rescue them from normal frustration, we accidentally send the message “I don’t think you can handle this.” As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.” That is, children believe what we show them more than what we tell them.
The difference between support and rescuing is everything. Support sounds like: “That zipper is tricky. You’re really working at it.” Rescuing sounds like: “Here, let me just do that for you.”
When children feel capable, they approach new challenges thinking “I can figure this out” instead of “I need someone else to handle this.” They learn to tolerate frustration because they trust their ability to work through problems. And learning to tolerate a bit of frustration has never been more important than in today’s world, where kids have everything (literally everything) at the click of a button.
Plus, let’s face it, that look of pride and achievement when they finally get that zipper up is worth every minute of torturous patience.
5. Encouraged to be curious and ask questions.
In the modern era of misinformation and fake news, there are few skills more valuable than critical thinking. But it seems to be seriously lacking these days. People simply don’t have to think to come up with the answers to their questions anymore. They just have to “search it up,” as the youth seem to say.
So what can we do about it? It’s all about keeping the curious nature that’s so inherent in young kids alive.
“Why is the sky blue?” “Where do babies come from?” “What happens when we die?” Yes, these never-ending why questions can be tiresome, especially as they always seem to land at the most inopportune time, but the way we engage with them is so crucial.
Every time you shut down curiosity with “because it is” or “you’ll understand when you’re older,” you’re chipping away at that curious spirit.
You don’t need to have all the answers. Some of my favorite responses are: “That’s such an interesting question—I don’t know exactly, but let’s find out together,” or “What a fascinating question. What do you think?”
Dr. Jazmine, aka The Mom Psychologist, writes that children who feel encouraged to ask questions develop lifelong critical thinking skills and intellectual confidence. They become adults who approach problems with curiosity rather than anxiety.
6. Able to be themselves (not a mini-me or project).
This one can be hard to face up to. Often, when we look at our children, we see our own childhood struggles, unfulfilled dreams, or ideas of what we thought they would be like.
For example, if your child is introverted or doesn’t have many friends, you may push them to socialize, either because you are an outgoing person yourself or because you experienced loneliness as a child and don’t want them to experience the same.
But what if your child’s introversion isn’t a problem to solve? What if it’s just who they are? Of course, if they are actually lonely and want help with socializing, that’s a different matter. But you need to be clear whose needs and wants you’re acting on.
So many well-meaning parents do this. They try to mold their bookworm into an athlete, or push their gentle child to be more assertive, and here’s what happens: the child learns their natural self is somehow wrong.
Instead, when you parent the child you have—not the child you imagined or the child you think they should be—something amazing happens. They develop authentic confidence and self-respect because they learn that they are worthy and valuable exactly as they are.
7. Secure in their boundaries being respected and their unique needs being met.
This goes so much deeper than the (hopefully) obvious stuff like not forcing hugs with relatives, not rifling through their belongings, and respecting their needs for space.
All children have needs, and just like adults’ needs should be respected, so too should kids’. Why would we think we can disregard something that’s essential to a child simply because we are bigger than they are?
For example, my child has sensory processing differences and experiences severe distress from certain clothing and specific food textures. I could dismiss this as “just being difficult” and force them to “suck it up,” but what would that teach them? It certainly wouldn’t magically make their sensory differences disappear. But it would teach them to suppress them at the expense of their mental and physical health. And it would destroy their trust in me.
Now I’m not suggesting we cater to every whim. Of course, there is a big difference between wants and needs. But we do need to look closely at their unique behavior and learn the difference between preferences and genuine needs. And we need to trust our own instincts on this, as we know our kids best. Some children’s nervous systems process the world differently, and when you honor that reality, you validate their experience.
Children who feel that their boundaries and genuine needs are being honored will learn to respect and advocate for themselves, which paves the way for healthy, safe relationships in later life.
8. Trusted to have their own feelings.
“It’s not worth getting so worked up about.” “Don’t be sad, it’s not a big deal.” “There’s nothing to be scared of.” Sound familiar? We all say these things with the best intentions, but here’s what children hear: “Your feelings are wrong.”
Trusting your child to have their own feelings means accepting that they might experience things differently than you do. They might feel devastated by something that seems minor to you, or absolutely love something you find tedious.
And that’s completely normal and healthy. No two people are the same after all.
Of course, this doesn’t mean accepting all the behavior that comes along with those feelings. Your child can feel angry while still learning appropriate ways to express that anger. As parents, it’s our job to help our children process those emotions, not eliminate them.
We want them to become adults who can identify their feelings and communicate them clearly, instead of suppressing them and second-guessing their own experiences.
9. Valued for their thoughts and opinions.
It’s a sad reality that some parents still adhere to the “children should be seen and not heard” trope. It goes back to what I was saying earlier. We somehow still believe that children’s opinions and ideas are less valid simply because they are children.
Now, of course, it’s worth remembering that their brains are not yet fully developed, so they aren’t always the most rational of beings, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least hear them out.
Family decisions are perfect opportunities to show your child that their perspective matters. For example, when you’re choosing weekend activities or discussing family rules, asking for their input (while keeping final decision-making authority) shows them their thoughts have genuine value. And they do.
And when you can’t follow their suggestions, explaining your reasoning shows respect for their thinking while teaching them about decision-making.
When children are allowed to voice their opinions, they develop those all-important critical thinking skills we talked about earlier. They also learn to articulate their thoughts with confidence because they’ve experienced those thoughts being genuinely considered. They become adults who speak up when something matters because they learned early that their voice has value.
Final thoughts…
You’re not going to get this right all the time. I certainly don’t. It’s just about consistently doing your best to give them the greatest chance of happiness and fulfilment in life.
When you mess up (and you will), you can repair the relationship. Actually, this teaches your children that mistakes don’t end connections—and that’s a pretty powerful lesson right there.
