Many (if not most) films and TV series have characters who spend most of their time alone, and are depicted as being sad, lonely, and isolated. In fact, huge themes in these shows often revolve around communities rallying around the solitary person to make them feel loved and included.
In reality, many people become more comfortable with solitude as they age, and don’t just seek it out: they insist upon it. Here’s why these people are thriving, not merely surviving, in the solitude that they have sought out.
1. There’s no compromise.
Many people spend the majority of their lives compromising with those around them about how to spend their time. In their youth, they likely couldn’t listen to or watch the media they preferred because their parents didn’t like it. Then they experienced the same thing with housemates, parents, and children: they couldn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted to, because they always had to negotiate around other people’s needs, wants, and preferences.
When you live alone, you don’t have to compromise with anyone. If you want to watch action films in the living room at 3 a.m., or read silently in the evenings, you can do so without having to deal with other people’s complaints about your choices.
Similarly, when you go out, you can do whatever you like rather than pandering to someone else’s likes or dislikes. For instance, if you travel alone, you can spend all day at a museum or reading on the beach instead of being dragged around to spots you don’t care about.
2. Living alone means one can control sensory input.
A surprising number of individuals become far more sensitive to sound, light, and other sensory input as they age. Furthermore, it gets more difficult to simply ignore or “just block out” these sensations. As a result, the only way a lot of older people find relief from the onslaught of sensory overload is to bask in silence and solitude. Case in point: my bedroom is practically a sensory deprivation chamber, and I retreat to it several times a day to reset my heightened nervous system.
My neurodivergence makes me hypersensitive to sound, and little, intrusive background noises that most people don’t even register — such as the persistent hum of the fridge or the buzz of an electric light — get excruciating to me over time. This is just getting more intense as I age, as it does for many others.
When you’re alone, you can mitigate these intrusions without annoying or inconveniencing another person. Nobody is griping about lit candles offering soft light instead of harsh glare, or the fridge being in the basement instead of the kitchen, so its constant hum isn’t driving the highly sensitive person insane.
3. They can focus on their hobbies and interests without interruption or interference.
There are few things as jarring and annoying as trying to focus on a personal pursuit, only to be interrupted or intruded upon. Many people have lived with partners or housemates who were perfectly content to do their own thing on their own terms, but would interrupt their partner’s reading or creativity whenever they saw fit to do so.
Similarly, every person has their own way of doing things, and others might mock them or “just try to help” by interfering with their efforts. A partner may insist that they cut vegetables “the right way”, or a friend might mock the way they hold their crochet hook, which sucks all the joy out of the creative process. This is another reason why many people aren’t just more comfortable with solitude as they get older: they prefer it, and do everything they can to pursue it, and defend it once achieved.
4. The only day-to-day annoyances they need to deal with are their own.
If you ask an older person who has chosen to live alone why they’re so happy with solitude, you’ll undoubtedly get responses about how much more content they are that they don’t have to deal with constant, petty annoyances on a daily basis. One person might have always hated their ex’s perfume or cologne and is happy that they never need to smell it again, while another may be having the best sleep of their life because they aren’t being kept awake by snoring or sleep talking.
Similarly, they don’t have to put up with any drama that their partners or occasional companions are involved with. They can take themselves out for coffee or dinner and enjoy their meal without the other person nitpicking about the service or the food, or insisting upon talking about all their personal problems all through the meal.
5. They’re tired of being performative.
The vast majority of people wear masks on a constant basis in order to be a pleasant, functional member of society. After all, if most of us actually said what we’re thinking on a regular basis (or even let our facial expressions speak for themselves), there would be significantly more conflict in our lives.
These masks get heavier and heavier over time, and many older people get to a point where they refuse to wear them anymore. They’ll say exactly what’s on their mind (verbally or otherwise), and don’t care at all whether they offend others by doing so. They’ve spent so many years being performative for other people’s benefit, and they’re too tired to keep up false appearances now.
6. Nobody is making any demands of them.
Many of us spend years on high alert, bracing for the next demand that someone is going to make of us. We can’t sit down and relax properly because 0.02 seconds after doing so, a family member will need help finding something in the fridge, or have a crisis that needs handling, or simply wants attention right then and there, regardless of what we may be in the middle of doing.
Solitude offers people the ability to actually unclench and relax — often for the first time in years. Instead of perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop, we can let our shoulders ease down from up around our ears and enjoy simply existing for ourselves, instead of being essentially forced to perpetually sacrifice our own peace for someone else’s benefit.
7. They can live freely without being judged or denied.
Countless people are held back from living the lives that they really want because of other people’s judgment or interference. For example, a person who’s obsessed with retro 80s memorabilia might love a bright, colorful, cheerful home, but their beige-loving partner won’t “allow” it.
Similarly, someone who loves to eat certain types of food may be judged for enjoying them by a partner who thinks those things are too “common”, too “ethnic”, or any other slur that they feel will keep those items off the dinner table. Solitude allows a person to live life on their own terms instead of quashing their own little joys to avoid being mistreated.
Final thoughts…
Solitude can be a bastion of joy and comfort for many people, but it also comes with its downsides. Some may find it difficult to keep up with chores or personal care when they live alone, and may face issues if they have serious health concerns.
If you’re older and are much more comfortable with solitude, consider putting a care plan into place with a trusted friend or family member: give them a key so they can check up on you if you don’t contact them within a certain period of time, just to make sure you’re okay.
