It’s not easy being human. It really isn’t. Life is a struggle for everyone on this planet, but some people have a significantly more atrocious time of it than others. Women, in particular, have to contend with an issue that most men will never encounter: being gaslighted on a constant basis.
The situations described below are experienced by women worldwide, but don’t apply to men. In fact, it’s a sad reality that many men would either deny that they happen at all or are guilty of perpetrating them.
1. Medical misogyny.
When you ask women from around the world when they have been gaslighted the most, the majority will mention experiences they’ve had trying to get proper healthcare. In particular, the fact that their male friends and relatives get focused, attentive healthcare, while they’re summarily dismissed. For example, if a man is rushed to the hospital with abdominal pain, he’ll be listened to and seen as quickly as possible.
In contrast, if a woman is rushed in with the same symptoms, she’ll likely be put low on the priority list. Medical staff will imply that she’s overreacting, her pain isn’t that bad, she likely just has cramps or a UTI, or mental health issues. One forensic pathologist commented on social media that after examining a woman who died in her 40s, he found her entire abdomen “massacred” by endometriosis, but she had never been referred for a laparoscopy: instead, she was just diagnosed with anxiety and brushed off. Dozens of times.
2. Women’s emotions are treated as overreactions or hysterics.
Let’s say there are two people who are equally frustrated or upset by a situation and express that frustration in the exact same way. One of these people is a woman, and the other is a man. The frustration is completely justified, and their expressions are reasonable rather than overblown. The woman will invariably be told to calm down, while the man is listened to and respected.
When a man expresses anger or upset at a situation, whether at work or in any other setting, he’s generally taken seriously. It’s as though a man’s default setting is reasonable, logical stoicism, so if he’s upset, then it’s for a damned good reason.
In contrast, the woman will be told that she’s being hysterical or overdramatic. Furthermore, she’ll be asked if she’s behaving in this manner due to menstruation, menopause, or some other bothersome female issue, and will be ordered to stop making a scene because she’s making other people feel uncomfortable.
3. Viewing neutral-to-assertive behavior as hostile or aggressive.
The last time I worked in an office, I led a team of creatives composed of designers, copywriters, and marketing professionals. After sending out a group email asking to be updated on progress, I was informed by two (male) colleagues that I came across as bossy and rude. In response, I forwarded an email phrased almost the exact same way, but from a male superior, and asked if he had been condemned for similar hostility and rudeness. The answer was “no”, of course: that phrasing was perfectly normal coming from a man.
Women are expected to quiet down our voices, undermine our own strengths with softening words like “just” or “only”, and pepper our communiques with smiley emojis to let everyone know that we’re being friendly and agreeable at all times. If we don’t, tone policing comes into full effect, and we’re reprimanded for not adhering to gendered expectations.
4. Being informed of what they think or feel.
If you ask any man if he’s ever been told that he doesn’t actually think or feel a particular way, it’s likely that he’ll either say “no” or that it hasn’t happened since early childhood. Ask women the same question, and they’ll give you countless examples of times when others have informed them of how they actually think or feel, rather than being listened to or respected when they try to express themselves.
This type of gaslighting is only directed towards women and children, who are frequently lumped into a single category. The implication is that neither is capable of real awareness or understanding, and has to be guided by a man at all times.
5. Chosen non-parenthood.
If a man chooses not to be a father, nobody bats an eyelid. After all, he might have wanted to focus on his career, or he recognizes that he wouldn’t be a great dad. Those are respected choices. In contrast, women who choose not to have children are viewed with contempt: they’re asked what’s “wrong” with them for not wanting to be mothers, and are judged, condemned, or encouraged to adopt. A woman who chooses not to be a mother is seen as selfish — quite the contrast to how non-dads are often admired.
This double standard also applies to contraceptive choices. A 20-year-old man can request a vasectomy because he doesn’t want children, and he’ll get an appointment for the procedure as soon as possible.
In contrast, a young woman who asks for a tubal ligation (or a hysterectomy, especially if she has endometriosis or PCOS) will be informed condescendingly that she’ll “change her mind and want to be a mom eventually”, and will regret her decision if they “allow” this procedure. She might even be asked what her future potential husband would think about her inability to give him children!
6. Encouragement to stay silent to not make others feel or look bad.
You might have read news reports in which women who have been assaulted — particularly young women — have been encouraged to stay quiet about what happened so as not to ruin the lives of the young men who abused them.
This silencing happens in almost every area of a woman’s life. If a male relative is rude to her at a family dinner gathering, she’s told to “just ignore him” and “be the bigger person” to keep the peace. At work, she’ll be told that “being kind is more important than being right”, so superiors don’t feel awkward if she points out an error. In contrast, men are told to speak up about injustice and are lauded for holding others accountable for their poor behavior.
7. Work achievements.
Recently on social media, a woman posted about how, after being promoted to VP of her company, the (male) head of HR told her that her knees were “too clean” for the role she had achieved. She promptly contacted an employment lawyer, but many other women deal with these situations silently on a daily basis.
Generally, when a man gets a promotion, it’s assumed that he earned it. He proved his worth and capability through hard work, diligence, and integrity, and was rewarded for his efforts. In contrast, if a woman gets a promotion, the immediate assumption is that she either slept with (or blackmailed) the right person to get it, or that her promotion was due to nepotism. Never merit.
8. Making women feel responsible for men’s emotions and behavior.
A lot of men aren’t taught how to work through or regulate their emotions well, and therefore place the load on women’s shoulders to do that for them. Similarly, if they feel unwanted emotions that they don’t know how to deal with, they’ll blame the women around them for “making” them feel these things, and “making” them react the way they do.
We see countless articles advising women to be their husband’s peace; to avoid topics that might stress him out, and to change the subject to something more chipper and uplifting if he seems down. Women have been taught to apologize when men feel upset about something, and even taught to feel responsible if he lashes out in anger towards them. Many of them walk on eggshells, perpetually trying to be a happy homemaker, because they’ve been taught it’s their fault if home is a place of stress rather than solace.
Final thoughts…
This article isn’t meant to be a “man VS woman” situation, nor is the intention to create an even larger rift between the sexes. Rather, it’s to shed light on something awful that women experience on a constant basis in the hope of improving things in the future.
Awareness is key when it comes to real, lasting change: we can’t work together to make things better if uncomfortable details are kept in the dark. It’s only by bringing them into the light to acknowledge that positive change can happen for everyone.
