When you think about the choices you’ve made over the course of your life, can you say that you’ve always chosen well? Undoubtedly not. In fact, you likely regret several of the choices you made and wish you could go back in time and undo them.
Unfortunately, until someone patents a time machine successfully, none of us has that option. What we can do, however, is learn to accept the less-than-ideal choices we’ve made and can’t undo, with the following techniques:
1. Practice compassion towards yourself.
Human beings learn through mistakes, and some of those mistakes are spectacular. But instead of berating yourself for this epic mistake, speak to yourself as you would speak to a dear friend who messed up royally and is filled with self-loathing. You’d likely acknowledge that they screwed up in a big way, but they’re still a good person, and that you care about them unconditionally.
Treat yourself with compassion, and forgive that earlier version of yourself for the questionable choices you made before you knew better. None of us is born with an omniscient perspective — we have to learn it through trial and major errors. What’s more, research shows that it’s self-compassion, not self-criticism, that gets better results when it comes to behavior change. In fact, self-criticism has the opposite effect, because it results in increased stress, depression, and lower self-confidence.
So recognize that the version of you who made that choice is not the same person you are now, and try to be kind and understanding towards them.
2. Choose to see this as a learning experience.
Maybe you said something hurtful to someone you care about, and they’ve chosen to remove you from their life. You may have been speaking from a place of anger and didn’t actually mean it, but whatever you said hurt them so deeply that they never want to speak to you again.
You’ll never be able to convince them otherwise, and forgiveness may be off the table. As such, don’t spend any more energy trying to fix this by backpedaling, explaining yourself, apologizing, or trying to spin your words as being anything less than what they were: devastating. Instead, choose to learn from this experience so you never repeat it again. The rest of the tips in this article will help you put that choice into practice.
3. Seek to understand what inspired that choice.
Berating yourself for bad choices isn’t going to do you any good. In contrast, seeking to better understand yourself so you can find out why you made those choices to begin with is the key to making better choices in the future, rather than repeating the same mistakes.
For example, did you break up with an amazing partner only to regret your choice and want to get back together? If so, why did you break up with them in the first place? Before I put real effort into working through my complex PTSD and past abuses, I ended several healthy relationships solely because those people were getting too close to me, and I couldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable with them. It was only through understanding myself better that I was able to recognize this, though.
I regret having done so, but I recognize how much I’ve grown from there, and how different I am with my partner now.
4. Make amends in whichever way is appropriate.
Bad choices come in many different shapes, sizes, and flavors. Some of them damage other people quite badly, while others may hinder our own future opportunities. For example, choosing to treat a family member poorly will damage their heart as well as your future relationship, whereas choosing to commit a felony may hinder you from certain life experiences.
If the choice you made affected a specific person, you can try to make amends with them by apologizing and explaining yourself, but only if they’re willing to communicate with you. They may not be, and that needs to be respected. Alternatively, if you aren’t able to do so, you can try to pay it back in a manner appropriate to how you erred. For example, if you abused a partner, donate money to a shelter. If you hurt someone, pay off someone’s medical bills anonymously, and so on.
5. Do what you can to move forward, with what you have.
Maybe you’re looking back at the life path that you chose and feel extreme regret that you hadn’t taken another one. If you’ve spent decades on your current path, you may feel that you can’t “take it back” for various reasons. After all, you can’t go back in time and choose a different college major, marry that other person, choose to have (or not have) children, and so on.
What you can do, however, is make the choice to move forward to the best of your abilities, with what you have, and make additional choices that can counterbalance your regrets. For example, if you feel that you should have gone to art school instead of law school, you can take up various art forms as side hobbies. Similarly, if you wish you’d had children but can’t anymore, you can look into adoption or fostering, or do volunteer work with young people.
6. Take ownership of the mistake.
A startling number of people try to avoid accountability whenever possible. Instead of owning their bad choices and mistakes, they try to place the blame on others. For example, if they ended up in a career they didn’t particularly want, they might blame their parents for bullying them into it, rather than acknowledging that they chose that path for status and pay rather than personal fulfillment.
By taking responsibility for the role you played in this poor choice, you stop being a victim of it. Instead, you can step forward as a more self-aware individual who’s empowered with some rather spectacular life experience. You can even draw from this experience and share your story with others in the hope that they can learn from your mistakes instead of making their own.
7. Change direction however you can.
Once you’re in motion, you can always change direction — whether it’s a minor course correction or a radical turn. You’re not a tree with roots that anchor you exactly where you are. As such, you can choose to make changes needed to better align yourself with the choices that you feel you should have made.
You may not be able to take back the choices you’ve made, but you’re still moving forward in life. As long as you still draw breath, you have the opportunity to change things. If you weren’t more present in your kids’ lives, ask if you can be more involved with them and your grandchildren now.
Similarly, if you made poor health choices in the past and you’re now dealing with a myriad of issues, work with healthcare providers to do the best you can with what you have to work with. You may not be able to undo all the damage you caused, but you may be able to mitigate some of it.
8. Consider that things happen for a reason.
Many of us look back upon the choices we made with regret, assuming that had we done things differently, we’d be happier, more fulfilled, and so on. Those are just idle musings: we honestly have no idea how things would have worked out if we’d made a different choice. As a result, obsessing over what might have been will only cause mental and emotional anguish.
It’s important to recognize that you don’t know whether choosing differently would have put you in a better situation. That other career might have landed you in an office building that caught fire, or the other partner you considered marrying may have turned out to be horribly abusive. Playing “what if” scenarios in your head isn’t going to do you any good. Let go of the imaginary and focus on the tangible instead.
9. Make a solid plan as to where to go next.
You may not be able to take back or change bad choices of the past, but you can learn from everything you’ve been through in order to create a plan about what you want the rest of your life to look like. Do you want to remain in your current career? How about your marriage? Do you even want to stay in the same location?
Daydreaming about all the things you could or should have done won’t change your life, but making decisions about where to go from here will. If you feel that it would be helpful and you have the means, book some consultations with financial advisors, career counsellors, and life coaches to determine what the best course of action would be for you. Then make it happen.
Final thoughts…
Every person who has lived more than a few years has made choices that they end up regretting. Mistakes are inevitable, but it’s up to the individual to determine how they’re going to address them. Most people simply choose to wallow in misery and regret, instead of learning from their missteps and doing the best they can.
The tips we’ve covered here can help you move out of the victim mentality and take charge of your future by accepting your bad choices and transmuting them into healthy personal growth. Which option will you take?
