When we were younger, most of us carefully schooled our behavior to be more palatable to those around us. Those older than us may have seemed a bit weird at times because they didn’t seem to care what others thought of them, but a part of us likely recognized how freeing that must be.
Guess what? Now that you’re older (and wiser), you also have the freedom to stop doing things that crush your spirit and cause you to live inauthentically. If you’re not sure where to start, here are 8 such behaviors to drop.
1. People pleasing.
How often have you nodded and smiled politely when someone started chatting you up and flirting instead of letting them know that you aren’t interested? Or setting your own needs and priorities aside for the sake of helping those who demand your time and energy?
You’ve done quite enough of that. If you’ve been letting others take advantage of your goodwill or showing kindness to save their egos instead of protecting your own peace, it’s time to stop doing that. You’re allowed to say “no”, have healthy boundaries, and disappoint others to be true to yourself.
2. Denying yourself the things that bring you joy.
A close friend of mine works in an elder care facility, and it broke her heart recently to hear a 93-year-old woman turn down dessert because she needed to “maintain her figure”. The lady in question was looking longingly at another resident’s chocolate mousse, asking whether it tasted as good as it looked, and expressed deep regret that she couldn’t “be bad” and eat any.
Far too many people spend years denying themselves things that bring them joy and pleasure, and for what? Being thin at their own funerals? Ensuring that the “good china” remains impeccable in its box in the closet, only for it to be donated to a thrift shop as soon as they get moved into hospice care?
Do the things that bring you joy starting right now, rather than regretting all the times you declined them for no good reason whatsoever.
3. Being “sexy” for other people’s benefit.
Martha Stewart is in her 80s now, and magazines are talking about how she’s “still sexy”. The same goes for Sam Elliot and several other octogenarians (and older) who are in the public eye. Most of us have spent far too many years feeling that our top priority was to be as attractive as possible in other people’s eyes, waiting for the day when someone gave us permission to just be ourselves, rather than existing to be someone else’s potential mate.
Consider this your official permission slip to stop prioritizing “sexiness” and choose to live life on your own terms. If you choose to look as gorgeous as possible for yourself, then that’s awesome! But don’t feel that you’re dressing for anyone else’s gaze or desire. Present yourself as a glamor model or a bog witch as you personally see fit.
4. Accepting invitations to things you don’t want to attend.
There are only so many minutes left in our lives, so it’s important to prioritize how and where we spend them. If the thought of attending the wedding of the thrice-removed nephew you haven’t seen since 1982 makes you want to scream, then don’t go — even if that means upsetting or disappointing someone else.
The same goes for any other event or gathering. If you don’t feel like hosting or attending a holiday dinner, then don’t do it. Believe it or not, the world isn’t going to end if you don’t show up to a particular occasion, even though others want you to be there. Nor are people going to spontaneously combust if you disappoint them.
5. Refraining from speaking your mind.
Far too many of us held our tongues when those around us said or did something appalling for the sake of maintaining social harmony. The racist, bigoted uncle might have brayed his idiocy at the holiday table without being called out for his imbecility, or the person ahead of us at the grocery store may have abused the new check-out clerk without being reprimanded.
At your fine age, you’ve earned the right to speak freely without being reprimanded by those who think they’re wiser and more experienced than you are. That’s one of the most glorious things about aging: there’s a certain degree of respect that older age commands.
As such, the tongue-lashings that come from a mature adult have much more gravitas than they do from a younger person: that youngling may be perceived as simply being rude and disrespectful, whereas from an elder, those same words are often seen as truthful observations.
6. Doing labor-intensive chores all on your own.
You may still be perfectly capable of mowing the lawn or cleaning out the gutters on your own, but that doesn’t mean you have to do either of these things. In fact, why would you risk throwing your back out or having to elevate your legs for days when you can pay someone from the community to sort that out for you?
Hire the kid down the road to mow the lawn and shovel your drive, and make sure to have plenty of lemonade or hot chocolate on hand to offer afterwards, depending on the season. Not only will you cultivate a great rapport with your community members, but you’ll be saving money in the long run, since you won’t have to shell out for anti-inflammatories and physiotherapy.
7. Going to bed late.
When we were younger, we were appalled at the idea of going to bed before we had crammed as much fun as possible into the day. I don’t know about you, but I often spent my days in a sleep-deprived haze, having stayed up late to go to concerts, see movies, or party with friends into the wee hours of the morning.
There’s no need for you to keep doing this if you don’t want to anymore. In fact, if you want to curl up in bed or on the couch and fall asleep at 8:30, watching your favorite TV series and cuddling your animal companions, that’s absolutely fine. In fact, it’s encouraged! Rest is healing and replenishing, and you know you aren’t missing out on anything by prioritizing comfort and tranquility.
8. Wasting your time out of a sense of obligation.
When you look back upon your life thus far, how often have you wasted valuable time on things (or people) out of a sense of obligation, rather than desire? If you could time-travel to those situations and extricate yourself so you could have those precious minutes back, would you do so?
You don’t need to nod and smile politely when someone tries to hold you captive with insipid conversation: you can simply say that you need to get on with things, and walk away. The same goes for uncomfortable dates that you know aren’t going to go anywhere, books that you won’t enjoy finishing, and so on. Only spend your time on things that enhance your life.
Final thoughts…
So many people spend their precious lives adhering to the constraints that others have made them feel obligated to live by, and only feel able to break free from those chains if they’re given permission to do so.
Consider this your permission slip to free yourself from all the things that have been holding you back from living happily and authentically. Additionally, feel free to give others permission to do the same: your encouragement may be the one thing they truly needed to live life on their own terms from now on.
