Do you find it hard to speak up? That’s okay. It feels uncomfortable to stand up and make your voice heard when you aren’t used to confrontation. However, even if you are uncomfortable, you still need to do it because that’s how we enforce our boundaries. Not only that, but it’s also how we keep injustice and wrong actions from occurring around us.
You’re going to be afraid, and you’re going to be nervous, but you need to make your voice heard. Unless, of course, you are under threat of physical violence. By all means, err on the side of your safety. But with the threat of physical violence aside, when does your voice matter more than keeping the peace?
1. When others interpret your silence as permission and weakness.
People are not all that good. That’s why it’s so important to have healthy boundaries and an understanding of how people can be. That’s where the phrase “boundaries teach other people how to treat you” comes from. The people who aren’t all that good will treat you as badly as they think you’re willing to accept.
You can’t accept that. No, you need to speak up if someone is trying to take advantage of you, walking over you like a doormat, or treating you disrespectfully. As Psychologist Dr. Les Martel writes, if you allow it, they’ll just keep doing it, pushing your boundary further and further.
2. When emotional labor is imposed on you that isn’t yours to perform.
Emotional labor is a hot-button topic. Far too many people don’t realize how much emotional energy it takes to help support someone, or to be their sounding board. They want you to sit there and absorb their problems, but they don’t necessarily ask before they just throw them on you.
For example, Jasmine’s friend Erica is a whirlwind of chaos. Erica is constantly in and out of relationships, behaving recklessly in life, and refuses to address her own issues. Instead, she wants to gossip and talk about it with her bestie. Is that unreasonable? Not really.
What is unreasonable is how Erica behaves toward Jasmine. She never asks Jasmine how she’s doing or listens to her. Instead, she just waits until she can turn the conversation back around to her own problems. She’s not being a friend to Jasmine; she’s treating Jasmine like an unpaid therapist. Erica isn’t going to stop doing that until Jasmine speaks up and says, “Hey, enough is enough. No more.”
3. When resentment starts replacing connection and friendship.
In situations like Jasmine’s, resentment starts to build, as trauma therapist Mariah Gallagher shares. Jasmine will start asking herself, “Why am I performing all of this emotional labor for someone who clearly doesn’t respect me? She always makes the same mistakes, she never takes advice, and she doesn’t care how I’m doing at all.” At that point, Jasmine will start wondering why she is bothering to begin with.
The takers of the world will take as much as a giver allows. What they don’t understand is how important it is to pour back into the people they receive from. Relationships are a two-way street. You can’t have just one person who is giving all the time and never receiving that same kind of care back.
4. When a boundary is being crossed again.
It’s normal for someone to accidentally cross a boundary. They may not have fully considered their actions, or they may not have been aware of your boundary in the first place if it’s not something obvious. The bigger issues start arising when they cross your boundary a second time or more.
The proper response is not your silence. It’s to enforce your boundary harshly. Did they do it willfully? Are they trying to say that it’s no big deal? Are they undermining your feelings? All of those things indicate a lack of respect for you. This person is more interested in fulfilling their own wants at your expense. If you don’t stand up for yourself, they’ll just keep pushing.
5. When you have to silence yourself to be accepted.
You’re with the wrong people if you need to silence yourself to be accepted. They aren’t your people. That’s not to say you can’t peacefully co-exist and have a great time with people who are dramatically different. It works as long as everyone can accept and respect the differences. Someone who cares and values you won’t want you to be anyone other than who you are.
Now, when you start standing up for yourself, you may find that you stand alone. That’s okay. It’s better to be alone than to spend years, decades of your life shrinking yourself to be accepted by someone who clearly doesn’t like the real you. That’s just time you’re wasting where you could be connecting properly with others.
6. When you’ll regret not speaking up.
In life, you will eventually run into times when you can experience something, and it gnaws at you. In the pit of your stomach, you feel that something is wrong, but something in your head is keeping you from speaking up about it. Maybe you’re not feeling brave, maybe you’re concerned about blowing up a relationship, whatever the case may be.
It’s in those times that it’s most important to stand up and speak your mind. If you don’t, you will be kicking yourself for it far into the future. Sometimes we are called to take a stand, and it does not feel good when you don’t honor that instinct.
7. When your values are silenced to keep the peace.
Usually, that instinct you may feel in the pit of your stomach or the anger being stirred in you is telling you that your values are not being respected. You should never be made to feel that you need to silence yourself to keep the peace in your life or relationships.
Yes, sometimes it’s best to move in silence, particularly if your physical safety is at stake. However, it’s not a situation that’s going to last. Sooner or later, you’re going to get tired of shrinking yourself to make other people feel comfortable. You can waste years of your life and time in bad situations like that. Again, it’s better to be alone than surrounded by people you can’t openly talk to.
8. When someone else is being harmed and needs help.
Silence only benefits the oppressor or aggressor in a situation. Granted, you don’t want to put yourself into a position to be hurt if you can avoid it. However, there are plenty of times when other people are acting badly, bullying someone, and no one helps that person. Look at how many times we see videos of someone getting assaulted, and people just look on and record.
Granted, that’s an extreme example. But it happens. And then there are so many people who sit back and watch their friends put their spouses through crap, or let it slide when their friends act crappy to other people, because “they’re your friend”. It’s not cool.
Final thoughts…
It’s scary to speak up when it’s not something you’re used to doing, or if you’re generally conflict-avoidant. However, conflict is just a natural part of the human experience. Everyone is different, despite how many similarities we share. It’s through conflict that we establish boundaries and keep ourselves safe, which is a great act of self-respect.
Anyone who doesn’t respect that isn’t worth shrinking yourself for. The people who genuinely care about you will not want to do harm to you. They will want to know your boundaries so they can respect them.
