If you’re estranged from your adult child or have had a strained relationship with them for quite some time, then you may feel immense hope and relief when and if they seem to be open to reconciliation. But sometimes it can be hard to tell whether this is the case.
Believe it or not, there will be solid clues that will let you know when they’re ready to start negotiating this process. Below are some signs that your child is open to slowly working towards a stronger relationship with you, and how to avoid rushing this process.
1. They send short messages on special occasions.
If you and your adult child have been estranged for a while, you may not have heard from them for some time. All of a sudden, you may receive short, tentative missives, such as a “happy birthday” text or a Christmas card that just has their name signed at the bottom.
They may even use messengers as intermediaries to get in contact. For example, if they know that you get together with extended family for dinner every weekend, they may phone their grandparent or cousin to pass on a greeting to you.
2. They may reach out to ask clarifying questions.
Your adult child may be in therapy to help them work through the trauma or difficulty they’ve been struggling with. During their sessions, their therapist may have asked them questions that they didn’t know how to answer.
As such, they may reach out to ask you for clarification about some of the things they experienced in the past. Since they don’t have the answers to the subjects their counsellor has raised, that may indicate to them that they don’t know the full story behind their traumatic experiences. They may not be particularly warm when they reach out to you, but the fact that they’re asking shows that they’re open to learning more.
3. They ask you for advice or help with something.
One of the ways that an adult child may show that they’re open to slow reconciliation is to ask you about something neutral. They may not be ready to show much vulnerability yet, so asking something relatively unimportant shows that they want to communicate with you, but not about anything too deep just yet.
Your child may reach out to ask you about a recipe that you prepare because they’d like to re-create it, or what tool they need to fix a particular problem in the house. They’re trying to tell you that they still value you as their parent, and look to you for guidance, even if they don’t know how to negotiate their way back to you just yet.
4. They send you small gifts.
If you receive a gift from your estranged child, either for a holiday celebration or simply at random, that shows you that they’re thinking of you and want to show you that they still care about you.
It may be something as small as a snack basket or something from one of your online wishlists, but it’s a solid gesture that lets you know that the bond between you hasn’t broken. Sure, it may be stretched thin or a bit frayed at the moment, but the fact that they’re extending this olive branch shows that it can be mended.
5. They show up at a gathering where they know you’ll be.
You may be surprised to see your child at a social gathering, but their presence there might not be coincidental. They may be testing the waters to see how you behave towards them in a place where you’re surrounded by other people.
As such, they might make an appearance at a family wedding or funeral, or an event that they know you’re likely to attend, such as a gallery opening for your favorite artist. How you behave towards them will determine what their next steps will be.
6. They share something important with you.
Your child may send you a photo of something that’s important to them, like a creative piece they made or a diploma they earned. Or they may reach out to let you know that you have a new grandchild.
If they do this, they’re telling you that they still care about you enough to share important milestones with you, even if you haven’t been supportive in the past. This is your opportunity to keep that spark going by being kind and encouraging in response.
7. They approach you with boundaries.
Your adult child may tell you that they’re willing to open lines of communication between you again, but with certain boundaries in place. For example, they may establish that they’ll only tolerate respectful, kind speech towards them and will cut off communication again if you’re unkind to them or raise your voice in anger.
This is a common approach that estranged adult children use when trying to reconcile, as it helps them to feel safe. If they establish the parameters for communication, they feel that they’re controlling their environment, rather than being at the mercy of one whom they perceived has hurt them badly in the past.
How to go about reconciling (without rushing them).
When it comes to reconciliation with an estranged adult child, it’s important to go slowly and to avoid potential conflict or miscommunication as much as possible. Here are some tips to help with that.
Don’t jump straight into heavy conversations (unless they instigate them).
It’s understandable that you want to make up for lost time, but if you try to do too much, too soon, you’ll spook them. They’re likely feeling quite vulnerable right now, so any major gesture on your part could send them running.
If they reach out to you with a “happy birthday” text, respond with something simple like a heart emoji and a “thank you!” Leave the ball in their court to make the next move. They’re likely braced for a negative response, so if you show them that it’s safe for them to take a small step towards mending your relationship, they’re more likely to take another one.
Respond to them promptly, but don’t go overboard.
If they reach out to you, feel free to respond fairly quickly and then step back. The goal here is to help them feel safe and confident in reaching out to you again, so when they do so, repeat the process.
Once they have initiated five or six exchanges, wait a few days, and then you might want to send them something neutral, like a funny meme or a photo of something cute. Let them respond on their own time, and continue these exchanges accordingly.
Don’t push moving from text to phone calls to in-person meetings.
Unless they instigate it, it’s best to just text for a few months before you suggest a phone call. If you get to the point where you’re texting each other regularly (i.e., a couple of times per week), bring up a neutral topic that you’d like to discuss and suggest that it be via a phone or video call.
For example, if you got a new haircut or adopted a new pet, you can say, “Let me know if you’d like to see it, and we can hop on a quick video call.” This lets them decide whether to do so or not, without any pressure. Then gauge their reaction accordingly.
If they prefer to stick to text, continue as you were doing before. Alternatively, if they initiate a phone/video call, keep it short and then let them know it was lovely to see them. Stick to texts again until they suggest another call. From there, repeat the process as before: once you’ve had regular phone/video calls for two to three months, let them know that you’ll be going to X event or neutral location, and they’re welcome to attend as well.
An open, public space where they’re free to leave at any time, with no pressure, is likely to be far more appealing to them than a home visit.
Recognize when you’re moving too fast.
The number one warning sign that you’re moving too fast is silence. If they go quiet after a text and don’t contact you for a while, that’s a big sign that things may be moving too quickly for their comfort. Although you may be tempted to reach out, don’t: let them come to you.
Another big warning sign is if they respond defensively or in an accusatory manner. If they tell you flat out that you’re crossing a boundary they established, or that they’re uncomfortable communicating with you, that indicates that you need to take a big step back again.
Match their energy level and communication style.
One of the best ways to re-establish a connection with your estranged child is to mirror them. This involves matching their energy level and how they’re communicating with you. While this may feel insincere, it’s ideal for showing them that you’re meeting them on their level, rather than forcing closeness before they’re ready.
If they pepper their texts with emojis and ex!cla!ma!tion! marks, feel free to reciprocate as long as it doesn’t feel fake. In contrast, if they remain reserved, match that energy. Being too enthusiastic while they’re still taking baby steps can make them retreat. Similarly, being too reserved while they’re trying to be playful can make them feel rejected. Mirroring is your best bet, here.
Set realistic timelines.
Reconciliation never follows a specific timeline. Some people manage to establish new connections within a few months, while others may take years. A lot depends on how long you’ve been estranged and what pushed you apart to begin with.
The best thing you can do is to remain open to organic evolution rather than expecting everything to be sorted out between you by a specific date.
Manage your disappointment if progress stalls or regresses.
You can do everything “right” with regard to reconciliation and still have progress stall. This isn’t a failure on your part, and shouldn’t be seen as such. Try not to take it personally if your child gets “spooked” and regresses away from the momentum you’ve been building.
Try to see this like a relationship-building exercise with a foster kitten. They desperately want to trust you and get close to you, but whatever they’ve been dealing with internally can set them off and cause them to retreat to safer ground for a while.
Understand that trust must be rebuilt gradually through patient and consistent behavior.
Like any other relationship, trust is established through consistency. Your child likely feels that they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and for this facade of goodwill to give way, so it’s a pleasant surprise for them when that doesn’t happen.
If you maintain this kind, loving behavior as you rebuild your relationship with them, it reassures them that you’re being sincere.
Although every fiber of your being may be aching to rush through this process and have your child back in your life the way you’d like, being patient and letting them take the reins is the best thing you can do to rebuild trust.
Showing patience instead of frustration, even when they’re being inconsistent, shows them that it is indeed the right time to build trust in you: whatever pushed them away is no longer at the forefront, and can be moved beyond. Like that foster kitten example, showing them patience and love, even if they’re hissing and on high alert, shows that they can trust you not to hurt them when their guard is lowered.
Avoid guilt-tripping about the pace.
You may be eager to hurry the reconciliation process, but putting pressure on them may have the opposite effect that you’re hoping for. This may be difficult if you’re elderly or are dealing with severe illness, but it’s important to avoid making comments about how you’re not getting any younger or that things are going too slowly. You may not be intending it, but these comments will likely come off as guilt-tripping.
Pushing them to force reconciliation on your terms instead of theirs can make them go no-contact again. It’s frustrating, but if you want to rebuild your relationship with your child, you need to start with a strong foundation of trust.
That can’t be rushed.
How to respond when they need space again.
Even if you’ve been making great strides to reconnect, it’s possible that they’ll withdraw and ask to have space again. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong. Quite the contrary: things may seem too good to be true, so they’re testing the waters to see whether you’ll respond with cruelty or understanding.
That said, it’s also possible that something you said or did triggered a painful memory or repeated an old pattern. If they tell you what caused them to pull back, resist the urge to defend yourself immediately. Instead, thank them for telling you, apologize if appropriate, and ask what they need from you going forward.
This is the most important time to reassure them that you’ll be there when they’re ready to talk again. When they know they’re safe to come back, without guilt or pressure, they’ll likely take the initiative to do so.
Accept the fact that progress isn’t always linear.
Much like a developing baby, progress in reconciliation moves in stops and starts, rather than linear, consistent growth. You may go weeks without hearing from your child at all, only to suddenly get an invitation to your grandchild’s kindergarten graduation. Or you may feel like you’re making great progress only for them to become cold and distant again.
Try to be patient, and recognize that forward momentum will be much like the weather: difficult to predict, but you can respond to it as it unfolds.
If they start to open up about what caused the estrangement, listen.
It’s of the utmost importance that you accept the fact that what your child is telling you about their experiences is very real. They may not have been aware of the entire scope of the situation, so your memories may conflict with theirs, but this isn’t the time to argue or be dismissive. It may have been a situation where you were dealing with your own issues and didn’t intend to hurt them, but you still did. The crux of the matter now is to understand and accept that this was their reality at the time.
It’s so important to avoid being dismissive about their memories: their experience may have been different from yours, but that doesn’t mean that it was wrong. All they’ve had to go on is their firsthand experience. If they’re open to slow reconciliation, they may give you the opportunity to help them see the entire picture. The important thing to remember here is that both of your experiences were true: their trauma is no less valid than yours because they didn’t have all the information available.
This is why it’s so important not to invalidate what they’ve said, but to acknowledge it, apologize, and work together as adults to move through it. For example, you can reply with something like:
“I’m sorry my actions hurt you. I understand now that my behavior damaged you, and I’m truly sorry for the pain I caused you. I take responsibility for that. Are you open to hearing about things from my perspective so we can have a better understanding from both sides?”
Responding like this makes them feel seen and heard, rather than dismissed. It also opens doors to compassionate conversation, especially if you’re willing to be candid and vulnerable about what you went through.
This is not the time to protect others for the sake of keeping the peace. For example, if you unintentionally damaged your child by not telling them the truth about an abusive family member, or details about your life that you were ashamed of, now is the time for everything to come out in the open. Otherwise, this reconciliation will be built on more lies and mistrust, rather than a foundation of openness and honesty.
Be open to the possibility that you don’t know everything about what happened, or that you may be wrong in your own perception.
As you negotiate reconciliation, it’s vitally important that you remember that the estrangement happened for a reason. Nobody chooses to end contact with their parents for fun. We’re biologically programmed to have close family ties, so for those to be sundered, something seriously wrong had to have happened.
You may feel that the estrangement happened for no reason, and that you did the best you could, but it’s possible that you don’t know all the details or that you’re in denial about them. Your estranged child may think that you did have those details, however, and you’ll only be able to negotiate those waters when they’re ready to talk to you.
For example, I knew a woman who cut her mother out of her life for not protecting her from her abusive stepfather. In her mind, her mother was an evil demon who knew exactly what was going on and didn’t do anything to stop him. How could she not have seen the signs?
When I spoke to her mother, I found out that she’d been battling severe illness at the time and was dependent upon her husband to support the family. She had been on heavy medications and had difficulty telling up from down. This woman was horrified that she hadn’t seen what was going on and didn’t understand why her daughter hadn’t told her.
This is why it’s so important to move slowly when reconciling and to be honest about individual experiences. Otherwise, assumptions and accusations take precedence over reality, and nothing gets resolved.
It’s also worth taking time for honest self-reflection, or even seeking your own therapy. Many parents benefit from working with a counselor to understand how their behaviors and patterns contributed to the estrangement. In some cases, what you discover about yourself may be uncomfortable, but this self-awareness is essential for genuine change. And even if you believe you did your best with the knowledge and resources you had at the time, acknowledging specific hurtful actions—without immediately explaining or defending them—is often the foundation upon which reconciliation is built.
Reconciliation isn’t an easy thing to negotiate, but by taking things slowly and being open to listening to one another — even when it hurts — it’s possible that your cracked relationship can be mended once again.
