No matter what subject you’re working with in your life, there will always be room for improvement. As you can imagine, this encompasses your relationship, too. Even if you think that you and your partner are doing pretty well, there are undoubtedly areas that could use a bit of tidying or polishing up. Alternatively, if you find that things have been discordant for a while, taking steps to address the misalignment can only help things improve exponentially.
Try embracing the behaviors mentioned here, and observe how harmonious your relationship can truly be.
1. Regular check-ins to see how you’re doing.
This goes above and beyond asking if your partner is okay if they’ve been in the washroom for a bit longer than usual, or if you see them frowning more often. Take the time to make some hot beverages and sit down together to discuss how both of you are doing — as individuals, as well as partners.
Doing this allows the two of you to nip potential problems in the bud, before they have a chance to fester. If there are things bothering you about the relationship, you can work through them. Similarly, if either of you is troubled by world events or external troubles, you can make solid plans together about what actions you can take as a united front.
2. Asking first before demanding attention.
One of the things my partner and I value most about each other is that we’ll ask whether it’s a good time to ask a question, show each other something, come into each other’s space, and so on. Far too many people see their partners as extensions of themselves rather than autonomous individuals, and will simply plop themselves into their space to demand their attention.
While it’s sweet to want to share a funny meme or discuss something cool you’ve just found out, that doesn’t mean that your partner wants to see or hear it at that exact moment — especially if they’re doing their own thing at the time. They might be reading, concentrating on a craft, watching a show, or anything else that they’d rather focus on than whatever you want their attention for in that moment. When you check first to see if this person is available for you, then your company is seen as a joy to share rather than an unwanted intrusion.
3. Creating a social schedule that works well for you.
Do you and your spouse like to chat over coffee in the mornings before heading off to do your own thing? Or are you happiest sharing interesting tidbits over dinner? It may seem silly to schedule time to hang out with one another, but it can actually provide a great deal of stability in your relationship.
Since you know that you’ll have scheduled time with your partner at 7 pm, for example, you can save up all the interesting things you’ve been wanting to share with them, and know that you have a set time to do so. This way, you aren’t infringing on each other’s time with random interruptions during the rest of the day.
4. Clearly delineated responsibilities.
Few things can wear away at a relationship quite as much as inconsistent and unbalanced responsibilities. Many couples end up at loggerheads when each one is waiting for the other to do a specific task, like cleaning the toilet or taking out the trash, only for filth to pile up as anger increases.
By setting clearly delineated responsibilities, all of this tension dissipates. To do this, set up a chart of all the different tasks that need to be done in and around the house. Both of you choose which tasks you like best, and which you hate the most, and dole them out so the labor is fairly divided. You’ll be amazed at how harmonious things can become after that.
5. Asking how you can best support one another.
When something goes wrong or when someone we care about is upset, most of us try to comfort them in the way that we like to be comforted, rather than the way they may prefer. While this may be kind in theory, it can actually cause more harm than good. For example, a person who stress eats may buy sweet treats for their partner when they’re upset, but if their partner loses their appetite when stressed, that isn’t going to help them at all.
Normalize asking one another what kind of support would be most welcome, rather than assuming and then leaping into action. They might prefer an action plan over a hug and a hot cup of tea, or they may want to vent openly without receiving advice. Once you know what the parameters are that each other is looking for, you can offer that accordingly.
6. Play.
People who play together in some way usually have much more harmonious relationships than those who don’t. And science confirms, couples who laugh together, stay together. Play allows people to enjoy lighthearted silliness and laughter with permission. Most of us hold rather stringent expectations about our daily conduct. We may need to be stoic at work, firm but kind towards the children, and so on. As such, playing is a great heatsink that encourages joy while reducing stress and tension.
The key is to find the things that both of you enjoy playing. You don’t have to enjoy them all equally, but be willing to take part so everyone has a fun time. If you aren’t as physically fit as your partner, for example, you can suggest something silly like mini golf, in which you can meet halfway.
7. Rituals to look forward to.
In many cultures, there are weekly rituals that people look forward to partaking in together. As such, try to incorporate regular rituals that both offer more structure in your relationship and give you things to look forward to.
For example, you might have a weekly dinner and movie date, or a leisurely Sunday brunch — either at home or at your favorite breakfast spot. Maybe Thursday is board game night, or if you attend spiritual services together, you can grab a special snack afterwards and head to one of your favorite outdoor spots to enjoy them together. These little rituals foster greater connection between you and create a regular rhythm that you can depend upon as a couple.
8. Being honest about your needs.
Many people downplay their own needs when they’re in a relationship because they want to maintain harmony with their partner. They don’t realize that doing this will actually cause more discord in the long run. Whether it’s alone time, different types of intimacy, or hobbies that you haven’t been able to devote enough attention to, be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling, even if it causes a bit of temporary tension.
You may love each other very much, but it’s easy for resentment to start flourishing when and if you can’t be your own person. We all need alone time. We all need to be allowed to sit with our own thoughts and pursue our own interests instead of constantly negotiating around each other’s wants.
By being honest, you may discover that your partner has been aching to watch terrible sci-fi films alone in the dark for years, but didn’t want you to feel neglected. Meanwhile, you’d love to listen to opera while working on your favorite crafts, but you didn’t want to alienate your partner in turn. Now that your needs are out in the open, the two of you can follow your bliss and meet in the kitchen for coffee and hugs afterwards.
9. Being honest when you sincerely dislike something, rather than tolerating it until your last days.
Many of us hold back from being honest about things we really dislike so we don’t hurt our loved ones’ feelings. Unfortunately, if we’re not honest about seriously disliking their anchovy and eggplant casserole, they may take that as an invitation to make it every week.
Instead of pretending for the sake of avoiding discomfort, be honest when something really doesn’t float your goat. Otherwise, you may find yourself having to feign delight every time your partner surprises you with what they think is your favorite thing ever.
Final thoughts…
It doesn’t take much effort to put these behaviors into regular practice, but the return on such a small investment is astonishing. See it rather like moving a plant that’s already healthy into a sunnier spot, and offering it good fertilizer and water on a regular schedule. Even though it was already doing okay, you’ll see it thrive when it’s being taken care of in optimal circumstances. Tend your relationship the same way with the tips mentioned here, and you’ll see just how harmonious things between you can truly be.
