The idea of an enduring, fairy-tale-like love story is a beautiful one. Many of us have daydreamed about the kind of chemistry shown in movies, where strangers meet by accident — maybe bumping into one another or being seated together on a plane — and what follows is a whirlwind romance, marriage, and happily ever after.
It’s a nice idea, but real love rarely works out that way. And if you’ve been holding out for movie-like “perfect chemistry,” you may be missing out on a shot at real, lasting love. Here’s why:
1. Wildfires don’t make hearths — they just make beautiful ruins.
A candle that burns twice as brightly usually burns half as long.
If that.
When you feel an intense burst of chemistry with a person, it can feel all-consuming. You want to be together all the time, and when you are, you’re all over one another.
Every molecule in your body is screaming that you’ve found the one you’ve been looking for: your soulmate, your other half, the one who completes you.
Until, that is, they say or do something that feels like ice water splashed all over you, or the intense connection suddenly wanes.
Once you’ve felt sparks like this, you may spend years trying to find that similar feeling with another person, only this time it needs to last forever. But sparks don’t work that way: they either ignite a hearth fire that’s going to burn long and low, or an intense wildfire that burns out quickly.
You can’t have both, so holding out for your ideal of “perfect chemistry” may be blinding you to the perfect hearth fire smoldering beside you.
2. Just because you feel intense chemistry with someone, doesn’t mean they’re good for you.
You might meet someone and have immediate chemistry with them, either feeling like you’ve known each other forever or that you were meant to be together for one reason or another.
But unfortunately, this intensity can blind you to the glaring red flags that you’d be able to see clearly otherwise.
I know this all too well. Years ago, I had an intense, immediate connection with someone I met at a coffee shop. He was the lead singer of a local rock band, and our chemistry was unparalleled.
That didn’t mean our relationship was a good one, however. After a couple of years of rollercoaster emotions, repeated breakups and reconciliations, and a solid bout of alcoholism, I walked away for good — and wished I had done so far sooner.
3. Healthy, stable partnerships evolve over time.
Love is like a rosebush inasmuch as it requires good conditions, tending, and time to grow strong and healthy. It won’t grow from a cutting to a thriving, lush, towering vine overnight, regardless of how much you’d love it if that happened.
As such, you might close the doors to a real, amazing connection with someone (and keep them closed) because you didn’t feel a “spark” with that person immediately.
There might have been interest, curiosity, even attraction, but since you didn’t feel bells and whistles when you spent time with them, you assumed that it wouldn’t go anywhere.
Meanwhile, you had a beautiful seedling in a pot there, full of health and promise, and never gave it a chance to grow or bloom. In your mind, since it wasn’t resplendent with blossoms already, it never would be.
4. Real love may feel “boring” compared to intense chemistry.
It’s a weird truth to accept, but real, lasting love can be kind of boring. It feels much calmer, safer, and more secure than intense chemistry does, but that’s not a bad thing at all.
When you realize that you can be utterly yourself with a person, you two still love each other — and feel attraction towards one another — when you’re unkempt or covered in garden muck, that’s a beautiful epiphany about the incredible connection you share.
In contrast, chemistry between two people creates the same dopamine bursts as addicts feel when they get high. There are rushes of rollercoaster emotions, and issues like fighting or yelling are brushed off as being “passion” because you’re in love.
Real love is strong and dependable, and that can feel wrong or uncomfortable for those who seek out drama (intentionally or not) because it makes them feel things strongly.
5. Nobody real will ever tick all your boxes.
Teenagers and young adults often create checklists of all the traits their dream partner will embody.
They’ll have specific ideas about things like body type, eye color, what career they’re in, and so on, and then plan out the type of house they’ll have, how many children, and so on.
These are all idealized daydreams rather than reality, however. Unless you’re ordering a fully customizable Real Doll to your perfect specifications, you’ll never find a person who ticks all of your boxes.
There will always be areas in which compromises need to be made, or they’ll have some little quirks that are more than counterbalanced by their positive attributes.
Holding out for a checklist that includes perfect chemistry with your dream partner will only result in disappointment and will undoubtedly cost you your shot at real love.
6. The chemistry you feel may not be reciprocated.
Years ago, I was chatting with an acquaintance who was telling me about how he’d met a woman who was pretty much perfect for him.
She embodied everything he had ever dreamed of in a partner, and he was going on about the future he envisioned for the two of them.
I asked him what made him think that he was perfect for her in turn, and his jaw dropped through the floor. It had never occurred to him that the woman of his dreams might not reciprocate his interest.
His approach was one that many people seem to take these days: as though they’re ordering something to suit all their wants, but never take into account the other person’s preferences in turn.
It’s as though only their own desires matter in this equation. This guy was so upset by my suggestion that he might not be his dream person’s ideal match that he walked off and stopped talking to me completely!
7. Your view of “chemistry” may be flawed.
Perhaps you think that “chemistry” means a flash-bang, like adding vinegar to baking soda in those volcanic experiments we did in science class as children.
In reality, it’s more like a slow amalgam that takes quite a while to activate — rather like the two liquids that are combined to make resin. They remain liquid until mixed thoroughly and allowed to cure, at which point they develop into a rock-hard substance.
You may also think that in order to have good chemistry with someone, you need to share everything in common with them. Or that if you don’t want to be intimate with one another on a daily basis, then there’s something wrong.
In reality, compatibility takes many different forms.
The person you have amazing bedroom antics with may not accompany you to the hospital when your appendix starts screaming, for example. And the one you seemingly have everything in common with may expect you to cater to their every whim while they watch TV day and night.
Ultimately, chemistry does not equal compatibility.
8. Shared goals and devotion are more important than temporary fizzing.
While limerence (a state of involuntary obsession with someone) can be an incredible thing to experience, it doesn’t last.
Once the initial, all-encompassing euphoria and obsession die down, you’re left in a situation where you don’t actually have much in common with this person, and you’re not even sure why you’re with them.
In contrast, cultivating a relationship with a person who shares your goals, values, dreams, and devotion has the potential to create a solid, long-lasting partnership that will stand the test of time.
You become pillars of strength for each other, as partners who walk (and work) side by side to share life’s experiences and joys together.
“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Airman’s Odyssey
Final thoughts…
The strongest, healthiest relationships out there are built upon the daily decisions to love and commit to one another.
Emotions ebb and flow like tides, and a lot of people end up abandoning potentially solid, long-lasting relationships the moment they feel that the “spark” has faded.
Real love is a choice, in which both partners decide to stand by each other, take care of each other, and be kind and supportive through bad times as well as good.
As such, if all you want is the dopamine-fueled rush of “chemistry”, you’ll undoubtedly miss out on the chance at this real, lasting love.
