One of the main reasons a lot of people hold off from cutting ties with others is because they don’t want to feel bad about doing so. As a result, they come up with myriad excuses as to why they keep tolerating individuals whom they’d be much happier never talking to again. Unfortunately, this usually leads to them having to deal with much more drama and discomfort than they ever wanted to experience.
If this sounds familiar, and you want to cut ties without the guilt that comes with it, here are 8 things to try.
1. Make a list of the good and bad effects this person has on your life.
In the same way that you might make a pro/con list about real estate or a potential career change, make a list of the good and bad influences that the person in question has on your life. Make the notes as detailed as possible. I’ve done this countless times, including when I ended my first long-term relationship, and it made the tie-cutting process significantly easier.
If you’ve been thinking of walking away from this person for a while now, it’s guaranteed that the “cons” list is going to be significantly longer than the “pro” side. You know deep down that this is the right course of action, but seeing the tangible evidence written down on paper in front of you is a sobering reality that can help you walk away without guilt and never look back.
2. Focus on reality rather than sentimentality or nostalgia.
Rose-tinted glasses mean that quite often, those who cut ties end up feeling guilty and regretting their actions shortly thereafter. This is one reason why so many people keep going back to the exes who made them miserable. They feel guilty about having been “mean” and start questioning their choice, invalidating their reasons for doing so in the process. Furthermore, they focus on the good times they had once upon a time instead of the reality of recent experiences.
This is not the time for sentimentality. Just because you enjoyed spending time with this person 30 years ago doesn’t mean they’re still worth keeping in your life now. In reality, the two of you might have been meant to simply have a passing acquaintanceship after you met in the mosh pit at Lollapalooza in 1995, but you’ve remained in each other’s lives without any real reason for doing so. In fact, you may not even like this person anymore.
If that’s the case, it’s time to set nostalgia aside, cut the cord, and leave this relationship in the past, with all the great memories you formed there.
3. Trust your instincts.
Many of our instincts exist to protect us. Those of us who have listened to our instincts on a regular basis have often avoided experiencing serious harm. Take a moment to think about the times when you didn’t obey your instincts, and the difficulties that have unfolded because of that decision. Quite often, our instinct about distancing ourselves from negative or unsavoury individuals warns us much faster than our conscious realization as to why.
As such, if you’ve been feeling like you need to cut ties with someone but are struggling emotionally to do so, then take some time to analyse your feelings surrounding this. Your instincts are rarely random — they’re usually piecing together a puzzle that your conscious mind hasn’t fully assembled yet.
When you dig deeper, you may realise that they have been treating you badly, perhaps with broken promises, snide remarks, or a general lack of respect. Going through that individual’s personal track record with you will often lead you to all the evidence as to why it’s a great idea to leave them be.
This can then serve as a conscious and stern reminder every time you feel guilt for not associating with that person. You can reference their past misdemeanours to mentally dismiss any misplaced feelings of guilt.
4. Take an honest look at their behavior, without excusing any of it.
Most people tolerate an astonishing amount of poor behavior from others, and often go out of their way to excuse or explain it away. This usually happens because it’s an easier, more comfortable route than calling them out on it, or even really acknowledging how damaging their actions can be.
Here’s where you need to be objective. If you didn’t know this person, but were instead a stranger observing their behavior, what would you think of them? Would you find their behavior admirable? Could you describe them as being honest and having real integrity? Do they keep their word? How many people trust them? Would you trust this person to take care of your child?
When you catalogue a person’s behavior honestly and objectively, and recognize that they’re a dumpster fire full of plague rats, you’ll feel a lot less guilty about cutting ties and walking away.
5. Ask yourself how much time you would want to spend with this person if you knew you were dying.
Most of us have individuals in our lives whom we tolerate, or are okay socializing with on occasion, but we wouldn’t choose to spend protracted amounts of time with them. Nor would we feel comfortable being vulnerable around them, especially if we were in a weakened state.
Ask yourself if you only had a short amount of time left to live, how many of those precious minutes would you choose to spend with this individual? If your answer is that you wouldn’t want to see them at all, then why keep associating with them? Only keep people in your life whom you sincerely care about, and who care about you in turn.
6. If they are a negative influence on you, consider whether they actually care about you enough to deserve your guilt.
Not everyone has as much nobility or self-discipline as a vegan Shaolin monk. In fact, most of us have at least a few questionable habits that we either try to hide or are ashamed to indulge in on a regular basis. However, these less-than-desirable habits are a lot easier to manage — or even overcome — if those around us are encouraging us to be the best possible versions of ourselves.
This is in sharp contrast to acquaintances and so-called friends who seem intent on pressuring us into participating in their vices and get aggressive or belligerent if we don’t acquiesce. This is not a true friend. People who love us want the best for us. As such, someone who pressures you into doing unhealthy things, or things you don’t want to do, is thinking about themselves, not you. As such, you shouldn’t waste your thoughts on them, either.
If this person pushes you to do things you’d prefer to avoid, or if they make you feel threatened in any way, then there’s zero need to feel guilt when you walk away and burn your bridges.
7. Remember that your health and safety are more important than anyone’s feelings… including your own.
Guilt is an awful thing to experience, but it’s a necessary thing to feel if it means that you’re protecting yourself from harm. It’s easy to cut ties with casual acquaintances because you don’t have much history with them, but it’s significantly more difficult to sever a relationship with a long-term friend or a family member — even if their influence in your life is toxic or even dangerous.
You may feel bad about potentially hurting this person by cutting them out of your life, but you don’t owe them anything. And you certainly don’t owe them your health and happiness. Relationships aren’t transactional: if they seem to be, then they aren’t sincere, loving, or caring. Those who truly care about you would encourage you to be true to yourself, even if it meant never speaking to you again. In contrast, the abusers who keep you in their lives for selfish reasons are the ones who try to guilt-trip you for leaving.
8. Let anger be your fuel.
Some people feel determined to maintain positivity as much as possible, believing anger to be a negative emotion that they’d rather avoid. But far from being a “low vibration” emotion, anger can be immensely beneficial for providing impetus for positive action.
If some of the people in your life have been mistreating you for a long period of time, then you’ve likely built up a significant amount of anger about it all: you’ve simply been repressing it for the sake of maintaining harmony. Stop doing that and tap into your anger instead. Any time you start to feel guilt about cutting them off, tap into that anger and use it productively to sever the tie that’s lingering between you.
Final thoughts…
If you’re seriously considering removing someone from your life, then there’s a good chance that you’ve been thinking about doing so for a while, but have kept making excuses as to why you shouldn’t. Consider this thought: This is your life, yet you’re letting people make you unhappy. In your own life.
You aren’t obligated to keep anyone in your life who causes you grief, stress, or any other kind of misery. Furthermore, you have full permission to cut ties with them immediately without any guilt whatsoever.
