It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that you’re the perpetual giver in every relationship that matters to you.
Whether it’s with your friends, your family, or your romantic partner, you go above and beyond to make sure they’re happy and well cared for, but you don’t receive that kind of care in turn. In fact, if you don’t do kind and caring things for yourself, they’re unlikely to happen.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You can learn to stop this self-sacrificing behavior by breaking the following habits as soon as possible.
1. Not matching the energy you’re being given from the outset.
In an equal, reciprocal relationship, people match each other’s energy. Of course, there will be seasons where one person may have more to give than the other, but over the course of time, it should be broadly equal.
For example, if one cooks, then the other will wash the dishes, or if one sends nice messages to the other during the day, that other person will respond in kind.
If only one person is perpetually outputting while the other only gives a pittance in return, then that isn’t a well-balanced relationship: it revolves around one individual constantly giving while the other takes. And it’s not suddenly going to balance itself.
As such, instead of always going above and beyond to try to do nice things for others, cheer them up, etc., only match the energy they’re giving you.
If they text you with just a few words, respond similarly rather than putting extensive effort into long messages. Similarly, if you cook often and they don’t bother to contribute by returning the favor or tidying up afterwards (or cooking for you in turn), stop doing that. Cook for yourself or not at all.
Although it’s true you don’t give to receive, you also don’t want to be giving everything, and receiving nothing in return.
2. Always prioritizing others’ needs and wants above your own.
Centering someone else over yourself involves prioritizing their needs, wants, and emotions over your own in any given situation.
You’ll set aside your own priorities in order to make them happy, and may sacrifice your own well-being for the sake of supporting them and keeping them content.
For example, you may feel responsible for their emotions and take it upon yourself to make them feel better if they’re upset, or you may de-prioritize your own goals and dreams in order to support theirs.
You’ll undoubtedly end up being called the best spouse/partner/friend/sibling in the whole world because you never stop giving, no matter how much they take.
Instead of doing this, learn to prioritize your own wants, needs, and goals. Learn to say “no” to their demands if they infringe upon your plans and speak up about your own preferences.
Let them be disappointed in you if it means getting your own priorities met. Their disappointment is their issue, not a sign that you are doing anything wrong.
If this feels difficult, start small, with low-stakes situations first, like choosing where to eat or what to watch, before moving on to the bigger issues once you’ve gained confidence.
3. Basing your idea of self-worth on how much you do for others.
People who were parentified in their youth, or who grew up in an environment where love and support were only given if they performed “correctly,” often end up basing their self-worth on how useful they are to others.
They only feel valued when others are validating their existence with praise and thanks, so they may run themselves ragged in service to others in order to feel what they interpret as love from those around them.
Having been in this position, I know what a difficult habit it is to break.
This kind of behavior becomes more than second nature — it’s more like a fundamental driving force to anticipate someone else’s needs, do kind things for them, and lighten their load, all the while adding to your own burdens.
But those who truly care about you will appreciate you for who you are, not what you do for them, and this goes for relatives and friends as well as romantic partners.
Your worth is not dependent on how many people you please. Your worth is inherent. Make it a daily habit to remind yourself of that instead.
4. Always being the one to reach out first (or at all).
When you think about your social circle, do the people you talk to on a regular basis reach out to you regularly to see how you’re doing and invite you to various things? Or are you the one who’s always texting or calling first?
If you didn’t do that, how long do you think it would take for them to reach out to you?
The answer to this can be very revealing, so take a step back from being the one who always initiates contact and observe who reaches out and who doesn’t.
Unfortunately, you will likely find that some of the people in your life are only there because you’re the one who keeps making an effort. Hopefully you’ll also find that others consider you a priority.
Once you’ve seen who falls into which category, you’ll know which relationships to continue cultivating, and which to distance yourself from.
5. Perpetually being too available for those who wouldn’t do the same for you.
How many times have you dropped everything to help people in your social circle, only for them to be unavailable when you need help in turn?
While it may boost your self-esteem to feel like the “fixer” in your group — the one who everyone turns to for help because you’re so capable and reliable — it can create seriously unhealthy imbalances.
Take note of the people you have helped repeatedly over the years, and how often they have reciprocated that help.
If it helps, make a spreadsheet or create a ledger to help you visualize this, even if it feels petty to do so. Sometimes, having something in front of you with hard numbers can help you process information more tangibly.
Then, next time they call you out of nowhere to ask for your help, remind them gently about how they weren’t available the X times you asked them for assistance in turn, only to be turned down.
One of two things will happen: they’ll either ask someone else, or apologize and make a point of being there for you more often.
6. Giving up what you want the moment someone else changes their mind.
This could be something as simple as you really looking forward to ordering sushi for dinner on Friday night (which you’ve been discussing with them all week), only for them to decide that they’d rather have pizza when you get home from work and start winding down for the day.
You care about this person and don’t want to upset them, so when something like this happens, you usually choke down your own disappointment for the sake of making them happy.
Stop doing this.
Tell them that they’re welcome to order a pizza for themselves, but you’ll be ordering sushi as planned. And make it clear that you won’t share it with them if they change their mind later.
They can add to your order if they think they’d like something, but it’s up to you to honor yourself and prioritize what you’ve been anticipating with so much joy.
7. Tolerating poor behavior without speaking up.
Countless people remain silent when they’re treated poorly by others because they don’t want to cause conflict.
They’ll gloss over the little hurtful things that others may say to them without thinking, for example, or make excuses for poor behavior towards them because those individuals were stressed, healing from damage, and so on.
Meanwhile, every unkind word or flippant action is another emotional cut that they’ll end up bleeding out from slowly.
Instead of making excuses or pretending that other people’s behavior doesn’t hurt you, tell them how their words and actions affect you.
This doesn’t mean that you need to be aggressively confrontational or accusatory. Instead, use “I” statements, and communicate via text or email if you can’t seem to get the words out verbally.
The key here is to respectfully make people aware of how their actions affect you. They may have no idea that they’ve been so damaging, and it’s only by expressing how you feel that they’ll curb those actions in the future.
8. Overcompensating for their distance.
If you have a deep-seated fear of abandonment, or if your self-worth is tied to being invaluable in someone else’s eyes, then you may respond to their distance or withdrawal by overcompensating and giving even more.
It’s possible that you do this to make them see just how much good you bring to their lives, thereby encouraging them to keep you around.
In reality, this behavior sets a new precedent in which they’ll learn that withdrawing from you will encourage you to do even more for them, so they might do so more often.
Don’t chase anyone for the sake of love or attention. Those who are worth keeping in your life will put effort into your relationship rather than distancing themselves from you.
As such, if someone chooses to withdraw, let them. Either they’ll return once they’ve sorted themselves out and recognized your worth, or they’ll do you the favor of removing themselves from your life permanently.
Final thoughts…
The basic message with regard to breaking the habits mentioned here is to stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm, especially if they wouldn’t toss a blanket to you in turn.
People get used to certain dynamics, and if you keep increasing how much you give to them, they’ll increase how much they keep taking from you.
Match their energy instead of going above and beyond, and if you feel that they’re taking more from you than they’re giving back, withdraw your energy and turn it back towards yourself.
