A classic gold-star move in any relationship certainly isn’t putting your partner down, yet there are people who do just that without even realizing it.
Chipping away at their self-esteem doesn’t need to be dramatic or loud, and it doesn’t need to be obvious; it just needs to exist.
And if you can relate to these 9 small things, then there’s a good chance that’s what you’re doing, even if it’s not your intention.
It doesn’t take much for someone to start to feel like they aren’t good enough, but the good news is that with conscious awareness, you can begin to change that.
9 ways you might be unknowingly chipping away at your partner’s self-esteem:
1. Making what you think are jokes at their expense.
Do you have a playful sense of humor? I would say I do, and I do get how easy it can be to observe someone close to you and find the funny in what they’re saying or doing. But if you’re making repeated digs, it won’t be long before they start to sting.
Over time, making your partner the punchline of your gags will draw out a far more self-conscious person than you’re probably realizing, and no, they aren’t being sensitive – they’re being human.
A joke is only a joke if it’s funny, so if your partner isn’t laughing or they tell (or show) you that you’ve taken it too far, listen.
I think it’s a question of, “What are you hoping to achieve by making jokes at their expense?”
2. Comparing them to other people so they always feel not quite good enough.
Because nothing screams, “I love you” more than, “God, why can’t you be more like Craig?”
Sometimes it isn’t even that overt. It can be subtle yet just as damaging to be told that your best friend’s husband is so romantic, that your colleagues earn far more than you do, or that you never seem to be as reliable as your sister’s boyfriend.
Comparisons don’t always feel like criticism when they’re falling out of your mouth, but that’s exactly how they land with the other person.
Eventually, they may get to a point where they feel as though they’re competing with everyone just to measure up to you, and I don’t think any relationship can remain healthy when it feels like a constant job interview, can it?
3. Correcting them over things that really don’t matter.
“Why are you packing the shopping with the lighter foods at the bottom of the bag?” “No, it isn’t pronounced that way.” “You’re telling the story wrong!”
There your partner is with their notebook, adding to their long, long list of things not to do. They sigh, wondering if they’ll ever get a day off from being constantly scrutinized, but the chances are slim if you continue this quest to constantly correct them.
You may not realize it, you may even think you’re being helpful, but over time a person can really start to question themselves, or hold back on sharing what they want to share with you because they know you’re waiting to cut it into pieces on the other end.
A relationship where one party is made to feel small, even if unintentionally, is not one that ends well.
4. Making them feel silly if they’re excited about something that doesn’t interest you.
The door opens, and in skips your partner, happy as Larry (who is Larry…?!). They’ve just found a new hobby or are excited that a new convention is coming to town that they really want to go to.
You look at them, pulling the most unimpressed face you’ve ever pulled, and you mutter, “Did you wake up in the third grade?”
Nothing about your comment is kind or necessary. Of course, there are about a thousand other ways you could make your excited partner feel silly in the blink of an eye – they’re all included in this, too.
Not everyone likes the same things. I went into a store last weekend and saw a Rainbow Brite doll. I got excited, and I’m 43! What’s the problem? If that upsets you, then I’m sorry to say, it’s you, and you might not even be aware of it.
P.S. Rainbow Brite! Who’s with me?!
5. Telling them where they could’ve done better rather than just telling them they did well.
All the things – bar one – could be brilliant, and instead of saying that, your energy goes to the one thing that had room for improvement.
“I got a promotion!”
“Wow, well, it’s about time; you’ve been trying for years but never quite made the cut until now, did you?”
Cue tumbleweed and a huge comedown from such a celebratory moment, for them at least.
It’s not helpful or constructive to pick apart a slight imperfection, because nobody is perfect.
Sometimes, the praise is all you need to give, and hearing, “That’s incredible, you did so well!” is all people need to hear.
6. Always having a bigger, better story to share every time they come to you with good news.
Ah, the good old story topper. Are you one?
Your partner says, “I finally managed to run 5k without stopping!” and you respond, “Nice. I remember when I did my first half-marathon. That was a real challenge.”
Not everybody knows they’re doing it, though, and the result is that this habit can continue on and on throughout a relationship, resulting in the other person feeling perpetually dismissed.
Of course, sharing your own experiences can be a genuine way of connecting with someone. The difference is whether you’re helping them feel understood and celebrated, or whether you’re inadvertently shifting the focus away from what they wanted to share.
I say just let someone have their moment. Let them be happy, let them tell it, and be there with keen ears to listen. You can have your moment too when the time comes. But in the middle of their glory is not that time.
7. Expecting respect for your interests while dismissing theirs.
My son loves wrestling, and I take him to local wrestling events when they’re on. You know what I see there? Grown men and women getting involved in crowd participation. They yell, heckle, boo, hiss, cheer, and chant.
It really opened my eyes to the reality that not just kids love it; anyone can. They did not care that they were adults; they were simply having a fantastic time. And you know what I did?
I joined in! (I only embarrassed my son a little bit).
Ideally, you want the same respect in a relationship, regardless of what your interest is. It’s rare that a couple will share all the same hobbies, so you’re never going to love everything your partner loves. But you should at least respect it, especially if you’re expecting the same respect for your own hobbies and interests.
If you aren’t, you’re letting double standards creep into your relationship. No one has the authority to decree one hobby more legitimate or serious than another. Your passion for golf or reading is not more important than their love of gaming or building model railways.
You think you’re being harmless, when in fact, you’re creating an imbalance that won’t go unnoticed.
8. Making them feel like they have to earn a bad day.
“What have you got to be so unhappy about?”
Oh, I don’t know. My car wouldn’t start this morning, and I needed to be towed to the repair shop and pay out for a new battery, and I was over an hour late for work. I missed the big meeting, so I didn’t get in on the new project. And that was just my morning.
You know, it doesn’t even need to be big, either. You can just be feeling it and want to switch off and start again tomorrow. There is no assessment that determines whether or not you fit the criteria of a bad day; we all get them, and we all have our reasons.
If you’re making someone feel they need to justify it, you’re inadvertently invalidating their feelings and teaching them to hide their struggles because they know they can’t trust you to show support.
Hardly a recipe for success, is it?
9. Doing everything for them because they’re “too slow, too sloppy, too careless.”
“Just let me do it.” “If you want something done properly, you may as well do it yourself.”
I can almost hear the tutting and sighing that goes with those statements. They make me feel uncomfortable – and I’m the writer!
If you’re saying these things, then your constant high standards may be undermining your partner’s, when all they’re trying to do is their best. And sometimes, it’s not even really about standards; it might be about control, anxiety, impatience, neurodivergence, or some other internal conflict you’re experiencing.
If you treated your children like that, would you expect them to grow up being able to do things for themselves? Probably not. The same goes for an adult. They may just need a little more time or practice. Or, in fact, there may be nothing wrong with their way; it might just not be your way.
It doesn’t serve anyone’s confidence to undermine it; you only end up leaving them less likely to want to try in the future.
Final thoughts…
Two people can be together and complement each other without slipping into thoughtless comments or criticism that chips away at their confidence.
Not realizing that you’re doing it is probably the part that can hurt the most. You may not have the intention to cause your partner to withdraw or hide their excitement, but that’s where they end up.
Love isn’t perfect, people aren’t perfect, and chances are we’ve all been guilty of one or two of these things at some point. The important part isn’t getting everything right all the time; it’s becoming aware of your behavior and doing your best to keep respect at the heart of your relationship.
When you do this, your partner will feel truly comfortable being their authentic self. And isn’t this what we should all want for our loved one?
