The emotions that come with the feeling that your life is passing you by are hard to deal with.
I struggled with these feelings myself, because I lived with severe undiagnosed bipolar-depression until I was about 30.
Up until then, my life just kind of progressed without my having much of a say in it. My mental illness introduced countless challenges to an already challenging life.
I fell into several unhealthy coping mechanisms, some of which I will share in this article, along with some other common maladaptive coping skills people use that you might want to look out for.
1. They engage in endless avoidance so they don’t have to think about it.
Avoidance comes in many forms, depending on the person.
In my case, avoidance mostly came in the form of video games. I would play video games an unhealthy amount to the point my relationships and work suffered.
I didn’t feel like I had any real control in my life; not in my relationships, my employment, or my mental health. My mental health was terrible, teetering in and out of severe depression.
But I could log in to an MMORPG (that’s massively multiplayer online role-playing game, if you don’t know) and all of a sudden I had a circle of low-effort friends.
I had tangible goals that I could make meaningful progress on. I could succeed at this thing, whereas I felt like I was failing at life in general, because I was.
I replaced real accomplishment with electronic trophies that were ultimately meaningless.
As I said, avoidance comes in many forms. It can be video games, binge-watching shows, churning through romantic relationships, substance abuse, workaholism.
Literally anything that can take your focus away from your life and your problems for a little while.
2. They chase happiness through accomplishments.
Many people who are unhappy with their lives are unhappy because they are constantly chasing happiness.
They think, “If I just get this job, or this relationship, or this opportunity, THEN I’ll be happy.”
But I can tell you from personal experience: that doesn’t work.
The issue that I found is that the hole of fear and anxiety will just eat up everything between now and then.
What I actually had to do was heal the wound first, and then accomplishments were just an added bonus.
I could compare it to a cake. Before healing, I had no cake. After healing, I now have a cake, and that cake is mine. Anything I accomplish? Any additional benefits and happiness that come into my life from accomplishments? That’s just icing on the cake.
The problem with chasing happiness in the form of accomplishments is that you may catch it, briefly. But then, the shine wears off, and the fear and sadness set back in.
You’re back to looking for your next fix of happiness – a new relationship, a new experience, travel, accomplishment.
It’s an endless cycle.
3. They romanticize the past or future.
The present moment is where all of our happiness lives. But when people aren’t happy with the way their life currently is, they tend to romanticize a time in the past when they were happier.
Instead of focusing on the now, they’re trying to bring that past happiness back.
But that won’t work. It’s a better idea to learn how to bake a cake today so you can have that happiness in the present.
Similarly, some people spend their time daydreaming or fantasizing about a future they have no intention of working toward.
It’s another form of escapism and avoidance that we engage in because we think, even if I have no cake today, I could potentially have a cake tomorrow. I could have this unrealistic vision of a cake that I want, yet I won’t bother to look up any recipes or buy ingredients.
It quiets the fear for a moment, but it doesn’t achieve anything.
4. They focus on other people’s problems instead of their own.
There are some people who cope with the feeling that life is slipping away by focusing on baking cakes for other people – both literally and metaphorically.
They put all of their time and energy into doing things for other people, like being a good friend, or brother, or wife, or whatever.
They may be the kind of person who always has an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
Yes, they may want to help. But they may also be using it as a way to avoid looking at their own life.
They don’t have to look as closely at themselves if they are occupying their thoughts and emotional bandwidth with others’ problems.
A good sign of this behavior is cracking a common “joke” like, “I’m great at solving other people’s problems, but not mine! My life is a train wreck!”
5. They may live through the experiences of other people.
Social media has made it extremely easy for us to ignore our own lives. Many people who aren’t happy live vicariously through influencers and media, instead.
They may simply spend their time drowning themselves in the content of a life they wish they had. And that’s understandable, because these influencers often curate their lives on camera to look like they’re perfect.
How often do you see influencers being real people going about an average life? Pretty much never.
It’s trips, cars, money, or whatever else their target demographic’s heart may desire. That way, their target demographic keeps scrolling to see what they have to say, what they have to show off.
But it’s rare that any of that is actually as advertised.
What they don’t show you are the dirty tactics they use to give the illusion of wealth, prosperity, and a happy life.
For example, once upon a time I worked for an influencer who would buy expensive clothes for his photoshoots and then immediately return them. He wasn’t wealthy. He was trying to “fake it ‘til you make it”, but he had nothing of real substance to stand on.
But still, many people believe it, and they let it take them away from their own lives, if only for a while.
6. They tell themselves they’ll get started when things “settle down.”
This is a common way to deflect, because it essentially gives a person permission to put off baking their cake. “I could bake it today, but I already have so much to do.” Becomes the reasonable-sounding excuse.
But there is one truth that I think completely negates this perspective.
Busy people who get things done make time for the things they feel are important. That’s how they get things done.
So, if you’re putting off baking your metaphorical cake because you just don’t have the time right now, when will you have the time to bake it? Or to go to the gym? Or eat better? Or take a class? Or do whatever it is you want to do?
And listen, I’m not saying that people aren’t swamped with responsibilities. I’ve been there. I get it. Time poverty is a thing.
All I’m saying is that if you want to bake that cake, you have to prioritize it. You have to set aside time and say, “Alright, at 2 P.M. on Tuesday, I’m baking this cake instead of doing a lower priority task.”
Priority is the keyword. We make time for our priorities.
Closing thoughts…
Life is happening right now, as you read this.
All of life takes place in this present moment, and it is in this present moment where you can create happiness and fulfillment.
Yes, it’s far easier said than done. However, focusing on everything but how to find happiness and fulfillment in your life right now will not lead you to success.
You have to engage with life if you want to make your present feel worthwhile. Learning to find joy in the process of baking the cake is where happiness and fulfillment live. At least, it did for me.
