It would be great if we got along perfectly with everyone in our lives, wouldn’t it?
Think of how pleasant existence could be if our family members were always conscientious and supportive, our colleagues were dependable, and our neighbors were pleasant.
Unfortunately, reality doesn’t often align with idealism.
As a result, we’ll all have to deal with spectacularly challenging people over the course of our lives. If you find yourself contending with such individuals, remembering these pieces of Stoic wisdom can help.
Stoic wisdom provides these 9 ways to cope with someone who is being difficult:
1. Handle the situation without bias or preference, and the difficulty may alleviate itself.
“People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them” – Epictetus.
Essentially, this means that it’s not the thing or action per se that bothers you, but your own perception of it.
And if you can learn to separate your own personal views and biases from what’s going on, and view it from the perspective of an impartial witness, it will likely stop bothering you.
Here’s an example: a former partner of mine used to get angry with me because I chop vegetables with a small knife instead of a larger one.
In her mind, I was doing it “wrong,” which led to many arguments between us, because she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just change the way I do it.
In contrast, my current partner simply acknowledged that we prep items differently, without judgment, and as a result we’ve prepared thousands of tasty meals together over the years.
The same can be applied to any difficult situation or individual. There’s no need for conflict in situations like these: people can just accept differences without bias, and the supposed “difficulty” evaporates on its own.
2. You have no control over what they think and feel, but you do have control over what you think and feel.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate in it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment” – Marcus Aurelius.
The only hold that another person has over your mind is what you grant them.
Other people are free to think and feel whatever they like about you. Of course, you can try to influence their opinions of you through good actions, but ultimately they’re going to make up their own minds.
This might upset you, but that’s where remembering this Stoic quote can be helpful. Instead of being upset by things you can’t control, you can choose not to let it affect you.
While you can’t necessarily stop thoughts and emotions from arising, you can learn to regulate, redirect, and release them. If you actively let go of caring about others’ opinions of you, then you’ll no longer be affected or distressed by them.
3. Know that the situation you’re dealing with isn’t forever.
“Existence flows past us like a river: the “what” is in constant flux, the “why” has a thousand variations… So it would take an idiot to feel self-importance or distress. Or any indignation, either. As if the things that irritate us lasted” – Marcus Aurelius.
Everything has a time and a season. As such, remember that the difficult person you’re dealing with won’t be a constant adversary forever.
Situations can change at the drop of a hat, so there’s no point in wasting time and energy on anger or frustration that’s going to be temporary.
Focus instead on the goodness and beauty that exist in your sphere instead of the adversary currently before you.
There’s so much else in this world beyond these tiresome individuals. They don’t deserve your time and energy, so choose to place it elsewhere.
Even if some obstacle makes itself known, its appearance is no more than a cloud that drifts in front of the sun for a moment. It can’t defeat the sun’s light, and will be gone in a few heartbeats.
4. Understand why they do what they do.
“A spider is proud when it has caught a fly, and another when he has taken a little fish in a net, and another when he has taken bears. Are not these robbers, if thou examinest their principles?” – Marcus Aurelius.
This quote reminds us that all beings act according to their own nature.
You cannot hate a spider for trapping a fly in order to eat it and survive, because it’s part of their inherent character. Similarly, we can remember that we can all play the roles of spiders and flies in other people’s lives.
All things act according to their needs and nature. As such, whenever possible, examine the motivations behind other people’s behaviors and look beyond the surface level.
If you can determine the intentions behind their actions, and glean an understanding of why they’ve acted the way they have, that can go a long way towards lessening your frustration with them.
5. By contemplating life and the eternal, you can rob your present difficulties of their sting.
“You have the power to strip away many superfluous troubles located wholly in your judgment, by embracing in thought the whole cosmos, to consider everlasting time, to think of how short it is from birth until dissolution, and how the void before birth and that after dissolution are equally infinite” – Marcus Aurelius.
By reminding yourself that you are part of a great, ever-weaving moving tapestry of life, you can reframe your current situation.
Dealing with a difficult person is no longer a gargantuan impediment, but a very small thing. You recognize that in the grand scheme of things, this issue really doesn’t matter that much.
This perspective grants you the ability to take the higher road despite whatever another individual decides to throw your way.
Using this wisdom, the “difficult” people who have been giving you a hard time don’t affect you at all anymore. Their influence becomes no more irritating than a chihuahua barking at a mountain.
6. Whatever they do can mean nothing to you.
“Be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands unmoved and the waves raging of the sea fall still all around it” – Marcus Aurelius.
Quite often, the greatest strength you can exhibit is to display absolute control and calmness when your opponent is melting down in front of you.
The ancients often associated rock with stability and resolute will, and water with wild emotions and unpredictability.
As such, by remaining calm and present like a rock, not only is this often the greatest rebuke against poor behavior, but you are also far more likely to win arguments because you’re remaining both unmoved and in complete control of yourself.
As an added bonus, any onlookers will see one person behaving in a reasoned, civilized manner, and the other as if they escaped from the nearest zoo.
7. In adversity, we learn more about our natures.
“Circumstances do not make the man, they only reveal him to himself” – Epictetus.
When we deal with intensely troublesome individuals, that can be a test on many fronts simultaneously.
Not only is our resolve tested, but how we behave in the face of adversity is tested too.
As such, Stoic wisdom would encourage us to see these situations as opportunities to learn more about ourselves and see where our cracks are.
For example, let’s say you deal with a person angrily and later you feel shame for letting your rage show. That’s a perfect time to self-reflect on why you slipped up.
What angered you? Were you well fed and rested? Did the opponent use an old wound against you?
Difficult situations reveal the cracks in our armor so we can patch them accordingly.
8. Only with difficult people do we have the opportunity to improve.
“Misfortune is virtue’s opportunity.” – Seneca.
Anytime you find yourself stuck with someone whose behavior is driving you around the bend, see it as a fantastic opportunity to improve your own virtues.
Every challenging situation can be transformed into a great opportunity for learning and personal growth.
For example, if you have problems with your temper, let this person grant you the chance to cultivate calm and temperance in difficult situations.
Alternatively, if you have a history of avoiding conflict and letting others walk all over you, see and take this as an opportunity to cultivate greater strength and resilience.
9. Don’t expect people to be more than they’re capable of.
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly.” – Marcus Aurelius.
Years ago, a friend of mine was tearful and frustrated because her 4-year-old son had been “giving her a hard time.”
Another older friend gave her a big hug, and said that the child wasn’t giving her a hard time: he was having a hard time, and didn’t know how to express himself because everything was new to him.
This change in perspective shifted how my friend viewed the situation, and it defused her frustration significantly.
Instead of seeing a “difficult” individual as a living, breathing obstacle to your wants, try to see them as a person who’s hurting and struggling, and doing the best they can with potentially limited resources.
Nobody is born knowing how to navigate life: we learn how to do so on a day-to-day basis. As a result, it’s important to remember that others may be at different points of their personal development journeys than you are.
We can’t expect them to be more capable than they are until they learn the skills needed to do so.
Final thoughts…
Quite often, we label other people in our lives as “difficult” when they aren’t behaving the way we want them to.
They may be strong-willed, defiant, and otherwise challenging, and we may take their actions as personal affronts instead of recognizing their sovereignty.
The pieces of Stoic wisdom here can help you see every thread you encounter as part of life’s great tapestry, even if they don’t seem to weave in harmoniously at first.
From a distance, they create a perfectly balanced masterpiece.
