Some people are totally unbothered by the world, yet others (cough, not me, cough) lie wide awake at 3am replaying an awkward moment from the day before. While it may seem unimaginable, there’s nothing superhuman about those who don’t care what others think. In fact, there are certain behaviors that led them there, and I think they could work for us all.
With a little sprinkle of psychology, let’s go through each behavior to see how you, yes you, can stop wrestling with other people’s opinions of you. It may not happen overnight, but every day that you embrace these behaviors, you’ll get a little closer.
1. Making decisions based on what’s best for you, not what other people think is best.
Oh, to be so self-assured that no external criticism would flummox you in the slightest. You’ve got to be secure with yourself to pull this one off, and I don’t mean paint a smile on and tell yourself that you’re strong, even though on the inside, you’re in a million pieces. It has to start from the inside.
It starts with the belief that you don’t need approval from others, because only you know what’s best for you. It’s your life, after all. I will admit, now I am forty-something (ssh), I am getting much better at this, but age doesn’t really have to come into it if you practice with intent. When you trust that you know yourself, and understand that other people’s opinions say more about them than you, psychology says you naturally begin to exude ‘care less energy.’
2. Understanding that no explanation is needed or given after you say no.
Saying no is a revolutionary way to invite stability into your mental health. In fact, I am living proof that learning to say no is empowering and that it will build your confidence.
And there are different ways to say it clearly and firmly, without being rude. It isn’t like you have to grit your teeth and growl at somebody while yelling, “NO!” We are not The Grinch. But…you can say:
“Thanks so much for the invite, but I can’t make it.”
“I really appreciate you asking me, but I don’t think I’m the right person to help you this time.”
The key is that it’s short and simple, without excessive explanation or justification. If people don’t like it, you understand that’s their issue, not yours. And the best part is the more you say it, the better about yourself and your decisions you’ll feel.
3. People-pleasing becomes a thing of the past.
A personality trait known as sociotrophy is associated with people-pleasing, and it basically means a person is overly concerned about what others think of them, and wants to earn their approval. When you want to be liked by everybody, you pretend to agree with everybody else because you don’t like conflict, and you say sorry every minute of the day. Those who have poor self-esteem tend to be people pleasers, but this can shift.
When you stop caring so much about what others think, you soon find your voice. And it’s not about being rude or confrontational; it’s about having some autonomy, expressing your reasonable needs, and being you. Not the version of you that exists only to serve others.
4. Dressing for you, not what you think others want to see.
When our body releases the hormone dopamine, we feel great, and that makes us want to do the behavior that gave us the kick more and more.
Makes perfect sense, and that’s where dopamine dressing comes in. The clothes you wear can give you this same feeling, but you have to do it for you, and nobody else. When you’ve stopped caring what other people think, you wear what you love, and you reap the rewards in feeling great on your own terms. Who cares that you’re wearing that 60s shift dress, or that tasseled leather jacket? The point is, you’re happy in your own skin.
5. Being okay with silence during conversations.
I wish more people were okay with silence during conversation, as it’s a real skill that is known to reduce stress and calm the nervous system. This can be learned, but you have to come from a place of, “This silence doesn’t mean things are awkward, that I have nothing interesting to say, or that somebody isn’t happy with me.” Once you realize that, you realize a strong power lies within those moments of pause.
It can give both parties time to take a breath, compose their thoughts, and connect on a deeper level. And sometimes silence is actually the best response. Once you’ve adjusted to the quiet and stopped worrying about what people will think of you, that’s where you can find a comfort and calm you never knew existed.
6. Actively avoiding gossip.
Psychology teaches us that gossip is essentially a social currency. It’s basically a way of staying connected and being part of the in-crowd. As such, it stands to reason that people who have stopped caring about what others think are no longer interested in partaking.
Plenty of people will want to draw you in and get you talking and listening, but when their opinions no longer bother you, you can walk away and avoid getting tangled in the toxicity – who cares if people don’t like you for it? At least you can walk away with your head held high and your self-respect intact.
7. Accepting that you are not Nutella.
Let’s all pause for a moment, just to think about Nutella…
Okay, onward!
Nutella really is the closest thing I can think of that everybody likes (but perhaps I’m biased), and maybe you’re still the kind of person who desperately wants to know what that feels like.
I’ll be blunt: don’t bother.
There are some people out there who will never like me, and that’s okay, because there are also people out there whom I will never like (no names). It’s nothing personal, it’s just pure vibes, and you have to not care.
And the people who don’t care choose to focus on authenticity instead. On living true to their values and accepting that if people don’t like them, then they probably aren’t the right people for them anyway.
8. Being content to stand alone.
Isophilia is the desire to spend time alone and enjoy being in the company of just yourself. And it’s not something everyone experiences.
You have to be sure of who you are in order to be comfortable in that place, as it requires you to resist the pressure to constantly be socializing and appearing as though you have an abundance of friends and plans. Those who don’t care what other people think will happily shop alone, eat out alone, even go to the movies alone if they want to. They don’t need to prove their social status because other people’s judgments hold no meaning for them. And they reap the cleansing benefits of alone time as a result.
Yes. Yes to this.
9. Being happy with your opinions and being happy to share them.
Not caring what others think means you don’t have to keep surrounding yourself with people who only share your values and beliefs. You’re happy to stand out in a crowd, voice what you think (respectfully, of course), and own it. You can share, and share with people who may disagree. I really think we’ve lost the ability to be tolerant of this practice nowadays, and I’d love to see it return.
And the beauty of it is, you can hold your opinion and values, hear theirs, and walk away with yours still intact. Their disagreement doesn’t negate your views, so there’s no approval needed and no hard feelings required.
Final thoughts…
Well! We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief now, because we are all able to work on the above behaviors if we want to let go of worrying about what others may (or may not) be judging us for.
If you want to be there, not caring what others think, there is one golden rule: really focus on the person you want to be, not the person you’re trying to be for everybody else.
