For most people, considering someone “easy to get along with” means that this individual doesn’t cause waves and is happy to do what everyone else wants.
In friendship groups and relationships, this can be an individual who’s happy with whatever the current plans are instead of arguing about them. And at work, it’s a person who gets along with everybody and never causes drama.
But the reality is that, often, these people repress who they really are to ensure that they’re liked by those around them.
It doesn’t have to be that way, though. You can be agreeable without losing yourself in the process.
9 ways to be agreeable without betraying yourself:
1. Listen actively, but don’t feel the need to agree with what’s being said.
In addition to actually listening, active listening often involves repeating back what people have said, making agreeable “mmhmm” noises, and punctuating sentences with phrases like “that’s interesting.”
This is a way of acknowledging that you hear what the other person is saying, which is respectful. Everyone appreciates being heard, after all.
The key here is to not pretend that you agree with them if you don’t. Basically, you can help a person be heard and understood without feeling the need to pander to them.
And if they ask you directly what you think, you can respond with something like “I understand and respect your perspective, but I feel differently about it.” This validates their stance without betraying your own.
2. Create a compromise that’s beneficial whilst still holding true to yourself.
If someone tries to pressure you into doing something that’s anathema to you, finding a compromise rather than refusing outright can diffuse a great deal of potential tension.
For example, several years ago my partner was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding party. The bride wanted the bridal party to do a pole dancing lesson together because she thought it would be silly and fun, but my partner had absolutely no interest in partaking in that.
Instead, as a compromise, she said that she’d go ahead to the next venue to set up the decorations and get the food and drink orders ready for when the rest of the party arrived.
This allowed the bride to still get what she wanted and be the center of attention, while my partner was able to honor her own personal preferences as well as her friendship, all without causing a rift in the friend group.
3. Use good-natured humor and wit to set your boundaries.
A lot of people, especially co-workers and casual acquaintances, tend to ask invasive questions repeatedly until they get the answers they want.
For instance, they may press you for answers about why you don’t have children, where your political affiliations lie, what your spiritual/religious beliefs are, and so on.
A good method to avoid discussing these topics is to set boundaries with sharp humor.
For example, a friend of mine once deflected questions about when he and his wife were going to have children by asking the person: “Are you asking me whether we’re having unprotected intercourse? Should I ask you about your sex life next?”
That shut the person up rather effectively. Sometimes, a bit of sharp-edged humor said in a good-natured tone can put people in their place and set firm boundaries without conflict or drama.
4. Be their cheerleader to encourage their self-sufficiency.
If it becomes abundantly clear that the person in question is taking advantage of your agreeable nature and using you, then you have a perfect opportunity to redirect their energy towards self-sufficiency.
Essentially, you’ll be encouraging them to handle this thing themselves, with full faith in their capabilities.
For example, let’s say your coworker approaches you at 4:30 to help them get a task done for 5 pm so they can leave on time, even though they’ve had all day to work on it instead of gossiping with Linda from HR.
Your ideal response will be to smile brightly and tell them that you have full faith in their ability to handle this themselves, and then turn your attention back to your own work. And should they press you, simply repeat that you believe in them.
Don’t let others take advantage of you. Always remember: their lack of planning is not your emergency, no matter how agreeable you are.
5. Use the “Yes, but” technique.
This is a great technique to use when you need to set parameters with regard to what you are and are not willing to do.
You aren’t agreeing to things unilaterally, but are instead offering a compromise that can work for both of you.
For example, if a friend asks if you can help them with their kid’s birthday party, you can respond with “Yes, but I have to leave at 3 pm”.
Or, if they ask you out for drinks when you’ve been focusing on sobriety, you can say “Yes, but I will be the designated driver/only stick to soft drinks”.
By stating these limits before the event, and having them agree to them in advance, you can remind them of these set parameters if they try to press you later.
6. Call people out on behavior without being emotional.
Other people are going to upset you with their behavior at times. The key to curbing that behavior without causing stress or drama is to keep emotions out of the equation.
If you can make it clear to them that their actions aren’t okay without getting angry or tearful, you’ll strengthen your position and establish a precedent of not tolerating disrespect.
For example, let’s say you have a colleague who continually interrupts you or talks over you during meetings.
Rather than yelling at them to stop, try asking them if they can hear you okay. This will likely confuse them because (presumably) their hearing is just fine, and they’ll say something to the effect of “of course I can, why?”
This is when you respond with: “Oh, because you didn’t seem to hear that I hadn’t finished speaking before you started.”
It’s a gentle reproof that calls attention to their actions instead of how upset you are by them, which is much more effective at communicating what you’ll tolerate.
7. Use the line: “I’ve done this before, and it’s not for me.”
Sometimes, if you offer a simple “no” to someone when they invite you to something, they’ll take it as a personal affront or attack.
Basically, they feel like you’re making fun of their interests or that you think you’re “better” than them, etc.
By saying that you’ve tried X thing before and it simply wasn’t for you, you’re evading the accusation that you’d love it if you just tried.
They can’t try to coerce you into trying something if you make it clear that you already have.
And if they try to pressure you anyway, ask them how they feel about something you know they dislike. Then remind them that everyone has their own preferences, and that’s the end of that.
8. Try: “Unfortunately, I have a previous commitment, but I would be happy to send a gift.”
My partner and I have used this phrase when we’ve had zero interest in attending a particular shindig, but didn’t want to hurt or disappoint the person who invited us.
A response like this allows you to participate without engaging, and it also makes it clear that you aren’t necessarily available for whoever wants your presence.
Offering to send a gift is a consolation effort that they can’t really argue against, especially if you make it clear that you have a prior engagement (relaxing at home definitely counts).
And should they try to convince you to change the date of said commitment, ask if they can change the date of their party/wedding/etc. instead.
At that point, they tend to accept the gift more graciously.
9. The equal exchange technique.
If someone asks you to do something for them because you’re faster or better at it, you can agree to it as long as they do something for you in turn.
That makes the agreement a quid pro quo exchange instead of you setting yourself on fire to keep them warm.
See how they respond to this offer. If they agree to it, then you know they’re asking in good faith and respect you enough to exchange labor equally with you.
In contrast, if they get sullen or try to guilt trip you, then that tells you that they’re aiming to take advantage. Hold fast to your parameters and don’t let them.
Final thoughts…
Most people forget that being nice isn’t the same as being kind.
Niceness is usually superficial and often involves pretense, passive behavior, and inauthenticity.
In contrast, a person can be immensely kind — namely, trying to make a real difference and help others when they can — even though they may be sharp or rough around the edges.
Don’t lose yourself or disrespect who you really are in an attempt to be liked by everyone. It’s better to be respected and appreciated sincerely than universally loved.
