It seems that from a young age, we’re encouraged to behave in a manner that makes us as popular as possible, rather than respected by our peers and superiors alike. After all, it’s a lot easier to do and say things that’ll make you liked by the majority than it is to stand by your ethics, which is probably one of the main reasons why popularity is the more appealing option.
In reality, though, being respected matters much more than being popular in just about every single aspect of your life. Here’s why:
1. Respect is usually earned through respectful behavior, whereas popularity is often earned through questionable behavior.
Most people who have worked in an office environment have discovered that the popular colleagues aren’t always the ones who maintain the strongest professional standards: they’re often the ones who join in with workplace gossip or turn a blind eye to poor behavior for the sake of endearing themselves to their peers.
In a situation like this, the staff member who redirects conversations and refuses to engage in the gossip will likely be seen as a bit stiff or no-fun by their peers, whereas the one who joins in will be adored by all. That adoration won’t last, however. The truth will out, and the person who stood their ground will end up being the one colleagues come to with genuine concerns, knowing they won’t be talked about behind their backs. Guess which person will end up being trusted and respected, and may even earn greater opportunities because of their integrity?
2. Being popular often involves sacrificing your principles or integrity for temporary acceptance, and that hurts.
A lot of people feel intense amounts of self-loathing about the times when they had the opportunity to stand up for their principles, but chose not to because they were afraid of potentially negative social repercussions. This is especially true if they lost someone else’s respect or trust by not speaking out when they could have.
I remember losing immense respect for a friend when we were in high school. One of the guys in our social group had come out as gay, and he was being mocked by some of the “cooler” older kids in the hallway. I was horrified to see my other friend laughing along with the crowd like he was trying to endear himself to them. The end result was that neither group wanted anything to do with him: he lost the trust of his friends, and the supposedly cool kids just disliked him even more for being such a two-faced sycophant.
3. Chasing popularity leads to fewer healthy, sincere relationships.
A person who makes personal decisions based on whether it’ll make people like them more or not isn’t someone who’s cultivating sincere, healthy relationships. Instead, they’re making chess-like moves that should lead to their greatest “gains.”
For example, they choose potential lovers based on how that person’s presence in their life will make them look, as well as which doors may open for them with this partnership. Similarly, their so-called friendships are made for personal gain instead of kinship with those who share their goals and interests. All those relationships end up being rather shallow and meaningless, leaving the person feeling popular, yes, but ultimately empty inside.
4. Choosing popularity often alienates the people who would connect with the real you.
One of the biggest trials of being alive is figuring out who you are and how that relates to the world around you. Often, we do things that we think others will like, even if this means that we are not being true to ourselves. Ironically, by pushing to be liked by others and sacrificing our own values, we end up attracting people who like the persona we’re projecting, but we alienate the people who would genuinely appreciate the real us.
It’s very difficult to always be true to your own self and thus live authentically, but when you make peace with who and what you are and stop performing for popularity, you begin to attract people who both like AND respect you for who you actually are, not what you are trying to portray.
5. Those who respect you will follow your lead, rather than pushing boundaries or being overly friendly.
If you’ve ever worked at a place where the manager tried to be too chummy with the staff, you likely noticed that the staff members rarely respected them. That’s because once the lines of superior and subordinate have been crossed, there’s no going back. You can’t be best mates with the people who answer to you and then put on your stern boss hat a few minutes later. There needs to be a strong delineation between the leader and the flock.
This doesn’t mean that a leader can’t be genial with subordinate staff members, but it should always remain professional and reserved. That way, everyone knows their role, and the leader is respected enough for directives to be carried out effectively. Otherwise, you end up in situations similar to when parents try to be their kids’ “best friends”: the kids refuse to respect or listen to them, even in crisis situations. The mixed messages have muddled the power structure, with the leadership role lost in the fray.
6. You’re less likely to be taken advantage of.
Similarly to the situation above, a person who’s respected by those around them may not be the most popular person around, but they’re also far less likely to be taken advantage of, both with regard to their time and their resources.
For example, take the dude who’s super chill and friendly with everyone, who doles out cash left and right when asked, and doesn’t make too much of a fuss when he isn’t paid back. He might be in demand, but once people realize that he’ll let them walk all over him, they’ll keep doing so — and tell their friends about him too. In contrast, the person who’s more strict about lending money, with an established payback plan and consequences for not following through, won’t be so popular, but he also won’t be seen as a pushover or an easy mark.
7. When it matters, respect is more likely to be listened to and heeded than popularity.
The popular person in your social group is likely to be the life of the party because they’re fun to be around and they know how to work the crowd’s energy into a high-frequency lather. Everyone likes them because of how this person makes them feel, and as the group clown, they’re great at dispelling negativity, cheering people up, and raising spirits when people feel down.
When dealing with a crisis situation, however, that person isn’t the one whom others will turn to for support and leadership. Think of it this way: in all the films you’ve ever watched, was it the Jack Black-type funny dude who stepped up and got people to safety by organizing everyone and giving solid advice? Or the Liam Neeson of the crew? The reserved, no-nonsense, assertive group member may not be the most popular, but they’ll be everyone’s rock when the world around them is falling apart.
8. Respected actions become legendary; popularity is fleeting.
How do you feel about Carpophorus or Flamma? Demo or Archeanassa? How about Raimbaut de Vaqueyras or Blacasset? If you’ve never heard about these people, you’re not alone. They were some of the most famous people of their time — gladiators, courtesans, and troubadours — all of whom were celebrated by countless admirers in the same way contemporary athletes, models, and pop stars are fawned over today. Yet how many people outside of niche researchers know their names now?
Compare them to people like Marcus Aurelius, Hypatia, Maimonides, or Johannes Gutenberg. These are people whose actions and words have earned them places of honor in the annals of history. Were they “hot” by contemporary standards? Did people consider them popular and cool at the time? Probably a scant few, sure… but primarily, people respected them deeply and appreciated them for the things they did, not how many folks screamed in adulation when they walked down the road.
Final thoughts…
The famous quote from the film Gladiator, “What we do in life echoes in eternity”, was inspired by Marcus Aurelius’s writings on noble behavior. It reminds us that the actions we take will determine how we’re seen in the future — both by our descendants and by complete strangers.
Think about the legacy you’d like to leave once you’re gone and then live in such a way that you’ll be remembered with deep respect and admiration, rather than popularity. Because those in the latter category are forgotten as soon as the next shiny thing rolls along.
