There is a big difference between taking responsibility for your actions and engaging in harmful self-blame
To take responsibility for your actions is to say, “Yes, I made a mistake. Let me fix it,” and then to move forward.
Self-blame, on the other hand, tends to linger long after the situation has ended. You may find yourself revisiting your mistake, ruminating on your flaws, and blaming yourself for making mistakes even when it stops serving a purpose.
That’s not taking responsibility; it’s an act of self-punishment used to tear yourself down rather than find a solution.
So how do you separate the two?
8 ways to make sure you only own your genuine mistakes:
1. Separate your actions from other people’s reactions.
The first thing to understand is that you don’t have to take responsibility for the way someone responds to your mistake.
Yes, you can acknowledge that you made a mistake and did something wrong, but that doesn’t create permission for them to treat you badly.
It doesn’t mean you need to be “punished” for making a mistake. We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Some people love to use your mistakes to punish you, which you can internalize as self-blame.
After all, if they feel so strongly about it, shouldn’t you be harder on yourself?
I don’t think so.
If I care about someone, I don’t want them beating themselves up and making them feel bad for a mistake. What kind of person would I be if I did that?
2. Ask whether or not you had control over the outcome.
Self-blame often causes a person to over-correct, and they end up taking the blame for situations that aren’t their responsibility.
So you want to first ensure that the outcome actually was your responsibility. The outcome may not be dependent on you at all. It could’ve been the responsibility of someone else, mistimed circumstances, or bad luck.
It could also be that things just didn’t work out. Sometimes that happens for no reason at all. That’s just how life goes sometimes.
There isn’t always someone at fault, but the people affected by it may still look for someone to blame. It’s the easiest way for other people to try to make sense of a problem, even if it’s nonsensical. But that’s their issue, not yours.
3. Separate “I could have done this differently” from “I caused this problem.”
In almost all situations, there is likely something you could have done better. That’s life. It’s so much easier to pick apart your past choices when you have the benefit of hindsight.
Undoubtedly, you will be able to find things you could have done better, but that doesn’t mean you need to be punished for it. That’s just part of being human. You make mistakes, you learn, and you grow from it.
A reasonable person will understand that. They may get angry or upset, but they will eventually accept it and move on from it rather than dwell on the mistake.
Focusing on “I caused this problem” can easily take you down a path where you’re tearing yourself down.
It implies that you aren’t capable, smart enough, or good enough to have a better outcome next time. And that doesn’t serve any purpose other than to harm yourself. In contrast, “I could have done this differently” gives you ample room to learn and grow.
4. Ensure you are not taking the blame just to end the conflict.
A number of people have been conditioned to accept blame just to keep the peace.
Something goes wrong, and the other person is clearly upset about it, so you may feel guilty and inclined to accept responsibility even when you did nothing wrong, just to make them feel better.
Stop. It’s not your place to do that.
At the end of the day, they are responsible for all of their own feelings as well as their conduct.
Just because something has upset them does not give them the right to treat you like an emotional punching bag. It’s okay if someone else is upset. Some temporary discomfort won’t leave them lasting harm.
And if it does, then you have to wonder how reasonable and emotionally healthy that person is to begin with.
5. Take responsibility for your part, rather than the whole situation.
Some situations have a lot of moving parts. In those situations, if you made a mistake, take responsibility for your mistake only. Don’t just accept responsibility for the entire problem if it’s not actually your fault.
If you do, it communicates to others that they can try to shovel all of their mistakes onto you. If they know that you’ll take the blame, they can use that as a way to avoid responsibility themselves.
The added benefit of being honest about your own mistakes, and only your own mistakes, is that it creates a shield when people do try to blame you for things that aren’t your responsibility.
Other people learn that you are someone who is willing to take responsibility for your actions, so they don’t assume you’re up to anything nefarious.
They are more likely to take your word on it when someone does try to blame you unfairly, because they know you’ve been honest in the past.
6. Ensure you are not apologizing for having boundaries.
Some people will take great offense to you having boundaries.
People with low self-esteem often see it as a personal attack, as though your boundaries somehow indicate their failure.
And manipulative people will often get angry as a means to try to gain leverage over you. They use guilt to push you into violating your boundaries so that you will continue to be useful for them.
Guilt-tripping is one of their most powerful tools, and you deprive them of that when you stop blaming yourself for having reasonable boundaries.
If you have made a mistake or communicated your boundary poorly, then sure, apologize for that, but you shouldn’t be apologizing for the boundary itself, assuming it’s reasonable.
Their dissatisfaction with your reasonable boundaries is something they need to work through, not something you need to fix or apologize for.
7. Accept that no one may be at fault.
Don’t accept blame when there is no responsibility to be had. Sometimes, things just go wrong with no one being at fault. That’s ok.
It’s not your responsibility to say, “Yes, it was my fault” just to soothe the discomfort of others.
In fact, learning how to accept the discomfort of others is one of the most important skills that you can develop in life. You can’t always fix it, nor is it your responsibility to do so.
Just because someone blames you doesn’t make it your responsibility. They could just be reaching out to find someone to blame because they haven’t yet learned that sometimes things just don’t work out.
8. Ensure the punishment fits the crime.
Self-blame often distinguishes itself from taking responsibility by the severity of the reaction.
Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated harshly, or even at all.
Mistakes happen every day. It doesn’t need to be a huge deal if the people involved don’t make it a huge deal.
Ok, but what if it is a huge deal, you may be asking? What if you did something seriously wrong?
Even in the most serious of situations, there’s little reason to still beat yourself up over it weeks or months later. It won’t change anything. Self-punishment doesn’t create positive change. Self-compassion does.
I used to do this to myself often. I was too hard on myself, particularly for my relationship failures.
I would dwell on my mistakes for weeks or months after, and it served no real purpose. Not only that, but the people I wronged were usually over it far faster than I let myself be.
Closing thoughts…
The line between responsibility and self-blame can be hard to see if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you need to drown yourself in guilt over it.
Self-punishment doesn’t really do anything meaningful for you. After all, if you feel bad about it to begin with, then is that not punishment enough?
That’s your prompt to learn, grow, and do better.
You don’t need to keep blaming yourself after the situation has been resolved, or take responsibility when it’s not yours to take.
It serves no one, least of all you.
