Have you ever found yourself thinking “Why me?” when life isn’t going so well?
That’s a normal thing to do. Life isn’t fair. Terrible things happen to innocent people every day for no reason at all, and that can be hard to grapple with.
You can trap yourself in an endless cycle trying to make sense of experiences that may be nonsensical rather than taking action, and “Why me?” is one way that happens.
Instead of asking that, here are some better questions to ask when you find yourself ruminating on life’s hard situations.
8 things to ask yourself instead of “Why me?”
1. “What would make this situation a little bit easier?”
Life will throw hard obstacles at you from time to time, sometimes more often than others. It can feel daunting, like you’re standing at the base of a mountain, looking up at the peak that you need to climb to.
One way to help make the mountain more manageable is to break it down into smaller pieces of progress.
Instead of trying to figure out how to reach the peak, you figure out how to reach that first ledge that’s only a few yards up.
That’s all mountain climbing is: getting to the next ledge. Because if you keep going, you’ll get to the peak sooner or later.
In real-life terms, that means asking yourself, “What would make my situation 5% easier?”
That could be something as simple as a conversation or just doing a little work. Small, attainable goals will help you get unstuck from the loop of “Why me?” frustration.
2. “What do I need at the moment?”
The past is gone, and the future is not yet here. All we have is the present moment.
So what do you need right now in this present moment?
That doesn’t necessarily need to apply only to the problem that you’re facing. If you’re climbing to that next ledge, then sure, maybe you need a rope. Alternatively, you may need to take a break from climbing; you might need rest or relaxation.
Getting stuck in negative thought loops is exhausting. I know from my personal experience with depression that being tired makes me spiral harder.
Sometimes, the greatest act of self-care is taking a short nap to reboot and coming back to the problem later.
Most things aren’t actually an emergency that needs to be taken care of right now. But if any fires are burning? Then definitely take care of those first.
3. “Am I drawing sweeping conclusions about my life?”
It’s so easy to slip into thoughts like “nothing ever goes right for me” or “my life is ruined.”
Cognitive biases often cause us to catastrophize and fall into patterns of black-and-white thinking. But that usually isn’t how it actually is. This kind of thinking is often just our frustration and sadness painting a darker picture than the reality.
I am someone who’s been through a lot in my life, and one thing I’ve come to realize is that most problems aren’t as serious or impossible to fix as they look.
Sure, you can’t fix every problem, but you can adapt to them. You can learn how to navigate around them. You can look for alternate routes to the peak of the mountain. As the old Japanese proverb goes, “There are many paths to the summit of Mt. Fuji.”
If you reach a dead end on one path, that’s just a cue to look for a different path. It doesn’t mean your life is ruined or over.
4. “What can help me get through this?”
Don’t say alcohol! Drinking to cope is bad news. But there may be other things or even people who you may be able to lean on to help you get through.
If you’re fortunate to have people around you who are supportive, it may be a good time to lean on them. Maybe bouncing the problem off another person will help you jog a solution loose, or they may be able to give you an idea.
Alternatively, you may just need a distraction from the problem for a little while. There’s only so much thinking you can do before it becomes rumination.
You can usually tell whether it’s rumination or problem solving because you stop having original thoughts about the thing.
At this point, maybe it would be better to go for a walk or read a book for a while just to give your brain a little break.
5. “Will this still feel overwhelming in six months?”
Sometimes, a problem feels urgent when it actually isn’t. A good way to shift your perspective is to consider whether or not this will matter in six months. Or alternatively, whether it will still feel as intense in six months.
What you will find is that it usually won’t. If you think back to past experiences, you’ll likely find it felt intense as it was happening but got less intense with time.
On the other hand, if you look at the situation and feel it will still be intense in 6 months, it might be a problem to discuss with a therapist.
Sometimes, the struggles we face in life are traumatizing. At those times, it’s helpful to have professional guidance because that can help minimize the long-term impact. Plus, it’s helpful to have a neutral person to bounce things off so you can find a solution.
6. “What is actually within my control?”
There is no greater path to peace of mind than learning to separate what is and what is not within your control.
Anxiety often comes from uncertainty. And uncertainty is a pretty normal emotion to feel when bad things happen. You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to it. But yes, this is much easier said than done.
So look for what you can control. If you lose your job, you can do things like tighten your budget, apply for new jobs every day, and control your spending to make your money go as far as it can.
That is what is within your control, and it will take you closer to the ultimate goal of landing another job.
Stay focused on what actually is within your control, and you will actually be more in control.
7. “What would I say to someone I loved about this?”
It’s easy to fall into a cycle of tearing yourself down if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself. But what would you say to a friend in that situation?
Would it be acceptable for someone else to say what you’re saying to yourself to someone you love? If the answer is no, then you shouldn’t be saying it to yourself.
I spent many years believing that having self-compassion was corny and goofy. But as I’ve made progress on my own journey, I’ve come to realize that the way you talk to yourself is vitally important.
You will spend 100% of your life with yourself. Learning to be kind to yourself when times are hard can make them much easier.
8. “Why not me?”
These three words were the key that unlocked the acceptance of my struggles, the ugliness of life, and the challenges that I’ve faced.
For years, whenever something bad would happen, I would focus on “Why me?” Why did these bad things have to happen to me, especially when I did nothing wrong?
But at some point, I started asking, “Why not me?” What makes me so special that I am somehow above suffering? What makes me so unique that I won’t have struggles and problems?
The answer to “Why me?” is far simpler than I ever could have imagined.
Bad things happen to everyone.
That’s just the way life goes sometimes. Sometimes, there is no reason, and I don’t have to find any other reason than that I’m a human being.
So, why not me?
Final thoughts…
Bad things happen. It’s just a natural part of life, as natural as good things happening.
When they come, try not to let your mind run away with all of the possibilities of how it’s never going to improve or even get worse.
Personally, life has taught me that every end is a new beginning. It’s not a new or novel idea. Many people have expressed it before, but I’ve seen it happen many times over.
The hard times will eventually pass. Hopefully you have better things coming soon.
