Seeing as we are all gathered here, and you made it to my words, I’ll thank you by being honest:
I used to be abrasive.
I honestly think there’s a part of me that still is, but I have learned to check myself over the years. I value honesty, but I don’t want to come across as someone cold and too direct. I had to strike a balance.
So I learned how to blend authenticity with tact, using these 6 strategies. If you want to do the same, you’ve come to the right place.
6 ways to be both authentic and tactful:
1. Hold back on being brutally honest, and instead be helpfully honest.
If you want to avoid being abrasive, the best thing to do is think about how you can approach honesty in a way that will actually be useful.
The goal here shouldn’t be to just disperse all your thoughts like they’re bullets; it’s to be more effective with what you say.
Here is where you learn a lot about yourself, so let’s take a look at a few examples.
Brutal honesty might be: “Your idea is ridiculous.”
A useful version of this might be: “I’m struggling to see how that might work. Can this be something we look at in more detail?”
Now, in an ideal world, we would always be this tactful, but I know life ‘lifes,’ and sometimes we end up with more abrasive words rolling off our tongues. Still, it’s important to remember that there are always alternative ways to deal with tricky moments.
Ultimately, there isn’t much to accomplish by stinging with your words. You don’t need to water it down or be fluffy, but the aim is to be able to provide the other person with something they can actually do with what you’re saying, other than getting upset.
2. Think about whether what you want to say is about expressing yourself or hoping to score points.
We can go in all guns blazing, as they say, can’t we? We enter conversations with the sole aim of getting our point across, and we don’t care what we say to make it happen.
But before you speak, it’s worth asking yourself what your real intention is. Are you trying to express yourself, or are you trying to win?
There is a way to tame your truth, but it has to be as kind as it is expressive.
If you genuinely want to express yourself, the person you’re speaking to is far more inclined to understand what you’re trying to say if you express it kindly.
If you yell and scream, hoping to prove a point or win, you just create resistance. You end up being harsh, and they end up backing away.
You may “win,” but nothing is resolved.
3. Speak about the hard stuff before your anger or resentment does it for you.
There’s “Can you let me know if you’re going to be late, as I worry about you,” and then there’s “I’ve been sitting around for two hours waiting for you! Do you know how annoying it is to have to deal with your ignorance?!”
Now, I know the second phrase might be someone at their wit’s end because it keeps happening, but it can also be an example of someone who let’s their feelings bubble under the surface unsaid until they finally erupt as anger.
Eventually, if you don’t speak up when you should, those grievances will build up, and you’ll end up like a raging bull in a rodeo with no waving red flag needed.
Underneath the abrasive language is a person who is hurt, but you don’t have to let it get that far before you voice how you feel.
It’s difficult, but not as difficult as cleaning up after a snap attack.
4. Remember that not all truth needs to be accompanied by volume.
I hope you can hear me at the back, because I’m not going to shout it.
But seriously, noise is noise. It doesn’t change or achieve anything other than an escalation that isn’t necessary. Being abrasive can sometimes be about how you are speaking, not just what you are saying.
Tact can come from delivering your authentic message at a slightly lower volume and with a softer tone. Sure, we all communicate differently, and that’s fine. You don’t have to change who you are. But your message will stand a far less chance of getting lost in delivery if the other person doesn’t feel like they’re being shouted at.
Being authentic doesn’t give us a license to hurt or belittle others.
With a little awareness and self-regulation, you can speak your truth in a way that allows calm to remain in the room.
5. Hold back on the sarcasm (you can do it…)
Sarcasm often inflicts a wound that lingers long after the words are spoken. It harms much more than it ever helps, but it’s a level of abrasiveness that I have previously found myself engaging in.
I’m not proud, but I have previously worn the crown of cynicism and sat on the summit of satire.
Then one day, someone said to me, “You know, that’s quite hurtful.” I laughed initially, and then it hit me. Sure, it’s fun to be funny, but there’s nothing funny about hurting people.
I realized that sarcasm only has a place when it’s mild and not directly attacking another person. Other than that, it really isn’t useful when trying to get your point across. In fact, it tends to have the opposite effect.
6. Let the other person have their own perspective without letting yours go.
A certain abrasiveness can enter the building when all we want to do is stand up and speak our mind as though it is fact.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we can’t all be right all of the time. A lot of the time, what we think is fact is just opinion.
And guess what, other people will have other opinions.
Our truth is often just that. Ours. We can express our truth whilst allowing other people theirs.
The less tactful of us would use that opportunity to say something like, “Well, you’re wrong as usual.” But the better approach would be to allow them to have their perspective, as you have yours.
Nobody has to let go of what they believe in order to appease the other person; people are allowed to disagree and not draw swords. You can hold onto your core values and know them to be true to you, without needing to yell at or persuade someone else to get on board.
For those who find this difficult, try to think of it as a chance to bridge your conversation, rather than battle it. A big part of being understood is to also understand the other person.
Wouldn’t life be great if everybody conversed with that level of mutual respect?
Final thoughts…
Authenticity doesn’t come from the assumption that you’re always right, and tact doesn’t come from comments that sting.
We all stand a far better chance of getting along when we see abrasive communication as serving no use to our conversations and relationships. The points we want to raise will have much more value when we think before we act.
Sometimes, the ego needs to be benched, so before you speak, ask yourself if this is one of those times. If you’re truly being honest, the answer is invariably, “yes.”
