Do people accuse you of being mean or a jerk when you feel like you’re just being authentic? There is a difference, and that difference is tact. As a person who used to use “brutal honesty” to be more brutal than honest, I eventually came to understand that tact is what matters if you are genuinely trying to help someone.
People stop listening when they’re angry and upset, and that’s what happens if you don’t use tact. Then, after a while, you look around and realize you don’t have many friends anymore, because no one wants to deal with that. So, let’s look at some differences to explore how to strike that delicate balance.
1. Tactful honesty vs. brutal truth.
Let’s start with that all-important tact. If you are genuinely invested in helping someone improve, you want to deliver your message to them in a way that is not cruel, disparaging, or mocking. All that does is communicate to other people that you are not to be trusted with anything sensitive and that you can’t be trusted to give a fair opinion.
In my case, I thought it was a fair opinion to just be brutal because I thought that was somehow better. Why did I think it was better? I still have no idea. But, after losing some friends and doing some therapy, I finally realized that I was just being a bully.
Everyone has their flaws and shortcomings, and they don’t need to be treated cruelly by someone brutally highlighting those flaws. You can tactfully tell someone something they need to hear without being harsh about it.
2. Setting boundaries vs. controlling actions.
As Psychology Today shares, authentic people use boundaries to define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. In contrast, jerks use boundaries to control or manipulate people under the veil of “self-love”. That can be hard to conceptualize, so let’s consider an example. I might set a healthy boundary where I will not allow someone to speak unkindly to me. That’s fair and reasonable.
On the other hand, if I were to set a boundary that you will treat me a specific way, that comes down to controlling behavior, using a boundary for manipulation. Particularly if there are consequences to the action. Consider a romantic partner who insists that you talk every night, and if you don’t, that must mean you don’t care, so they won’t answer your calls the next day. That’s manipulation, not a boundary.
3. Self-confidence vs. arrogant superiority.
People who lack self-confidence often feel like any self-assurance is arrogance. It’s not, and CoachHub shares why: arrogance is elevating yourself at the expense of other people as opposed to just being confident in your own ability. In arrogance, you look around, and you think I’m better than these people for whatever reason. Maybe you’re more knowledgeable, worked harder, or have more experience.
Self-confidence without arrogance, on the other hand, is knowing that you’re valid and worthy regardless of what anyone else is doing. For example, I know I’m a good writer. I’ve sunk decades of time and effort into working on my craft and polishing my writing voice. But at the same time, I don’t think or say I’m better than anyone else. It’s not a competition. I think the way I do because I know I put in the work.
4. Active listening vs. one-way lecturing.
Active listening is a skill that authentic people use to build connections with other people. In contrast, self-centered people tend to listen to respond. That is, they aren’t really listening to the small details and nuances of what is being expressed. Instead, they are just waiting for their turn to talk so they can lecture or preach. They want an audience, not a conversation.
If you truly want to connect authentically with people, take the time to listen to what the other person is saying. Turn off any distractions, put down your cellphone, and refrain from thinking about your response until after they are done speaking. Yes, it may feel a little awkward at first, but that’s okay. Just say, “Let me think for just a moment,” and then give a meaningful answer.
5. Self-improvement vs. making excuses.
A jerk makes excuses when their behavior is harmful to other people. They hide behind the shield of “That’s just who I am.” Well, if that’s the way you feel, then who you are sucks and needs a change. I know that because I was that guy, ever the Devil’s Advocate, always speaking “the truth” and then blaming other people when they got mad because I had zero consideration.
I approach that situation much differently now. Now, if I offend someone, I ask why it was offensive, and I evaluate whether or not my words could have been kinder. If I’m going to speak the truth, I want it to be heard, and not just fall on deaf ears because of their anger. That kind of feedback can serve as a signpost that leads you to a healthier, more emotionally balanced perspective.
6. Consistency vs. inconsistency.
Authentic people tend to show up as who they are, regardless of the company they are keeping. Jerks do not. Instead, what jerks do is change their personality to curry favor depending on the circumstances that they’re in. They may be kind to someone so long as they are useful, but cruel to them when they aren’t.
They often view other people as less than if they aren’t as accomplished, elevated, or useful to them. The fact is that everyone is valuable, deserving of being treated with kindness and respect, regardless of who they are or what they can do for you. It’s a basic level of decency, and decency needs to be a part of authenticity; otherwise, you risk harming others through your wrong perceptions.
7. Emotional intelligence vs. emotional dumping.
Emotions are hard to navigate at times, but authentic people understand that you need to be able to express your difficult emotions at appropriate times. Unfortunately, jerks have a hard time separating when it’s an appropriate time or not. They may not even care, for that matter. Instead, they just unload what they’re thinking or feeling with no consideration for anyone else.
If someone is already feeling down or troubled, then you don’t want to just offload difficult emotions onto them and force them to try to deal with it. What’s more, jerks may use the other person’s painful emotions as a weapon to try to tear them down, make them feel worse, or manipulate them into providing support instead of offering it.
8. Genuine respect vs. intimidation.
True authenticity does not make other people feel small. Instead, what it does is acknowledge and uplift other people because the authentic person doesn’t see others as an enemy. That doesn’t mean that they are soft or will allow themselves to be treated badly. What it means is that their expression of themselves is not done at the expense of others, to make others feel smaller, or controlled.
Jerks either don’t care or use their “authentic self” as a weapon to make other people toe the line. They may push the idea that they are better or that they know better, and you’re just a fool for not listening to them. They may use their knowledge and experience as a way to bully and coerce what they want out of others. That’s not authenticity. It’s disrespectful, and it’s jerk behavior.
A last word…
Authenticity is all the rage, but one thing people get wrong is assuming that their raw, unpolished self is authentic. It may be authentic in the sense that you aren’t exercising any knowledge or personal growth in expressing it, but it’s not authentic in a way that allows for connection.
You can’t be a jerk and then wonder why other people don’t want to be around you. If your authentic self is a jerk, then maybe it’s time to examine why that is. Personal growth means your authentic self can evolve and change with time if you give yourself permission to refine and polish yourself.
