There’s an old saying that goes something like, “If they’ve resorted to personal attacks, then you’ve won.” The reason being that people who don’t have a strong argument often shift to making attacks about the person delivering the message.
Some people just can’t accept or admit when they’re wrong, so they lash out instead.
It’s hard to deal with, but the good news is that there are plenty of ways to navigate these people.
How to deal with someone who resorts to personal attacks during arguments:
1. Bring it back to the matter at hand.
People who have a good argument will focus on the issue at hand. The people who don’t will typically try to change the subject or attack you instead. That way, they can put you on the defensive and change the trajectory of the conversation.
They are attempting to regain control and come out of the discussion on top for whatever reason they have.
Personally, I had a former girlfriend who used to do this any time she was wrong about anything. Before I realized what she was doing, I would take the bait and go right down the path of anger as she pushed my buttons.
After I became aware of it, however, I would just keep bringing the conversation back around to the actual issue at hand. For example, you can say something like, “We weren’t talking about whether I’m ‘too sensitive.’ We were talking about you not doing your fair share around the house.”
2. Don’t bother defending yourself against insults or attacks.
Usually, the point of the attack is to get you to change your focus. They want you off whatever topic it is you happen to be arguing about. Usually, that’s because they have something to hide or they have no good argument to make.
When they resort to personal attacks, take a deep breath to center yourself and try not to lose yourself in anger and defensiveness.
There are different ways you can handle that approach. Personally, I like humor because it makes the other person look ridiculous for firing personal attacks at me. They want to point out my flaws? Then I’ll point out my own flaws and tell them what they’re missing.
Alternatively, sometimes I’ll just laugh at their insult as if it’s a good joke and ask, “True, but what does that have to do with <whatever the issue is>?”
3. Call out the shift in their tactics directly.
An easy way to stand your ground is to acknowledge what they’re doing directly. When you notice it happen, point out, “Hey. You’re attacking me now instead of discussing the point. Let’s get back to the point.”
In many cases, what I’ve found is that this usually puts them off-balance, or they get sheepish about it.
They think they’re being clever, but they feel embarrassed when their tactic is pointed out. Expect them to backtrack or say things like, “Oh, I didn’t actually mean that. What I meant was…” or some other kind of nonsense meant to distract from the original point.
4. Ask for them to be specific about their feelings.
“You suck!” or “You are a terrible friend/partner/mother/sister!” is not meaningful feedback. It’s just a blatantly crappy thing to say to someone.
Yet the person saying it (or something like it) may have a legitimate reason to be upset and is just expressing their anger and frustration in an unhealthy way.
So don’t get angry. Instead, get specific.
“Why do I suck? What did I do that makes me suck?” That serves the ball back to them, so they now have to name the specific issue they have with you. Then, you can make an informed evaluation of whether or not they have a legitimate point.
Sometimes they do. I’m a flawed person, as are you, and sometimes we do sucky things that need to be called out. I can acknowledge that, but I can’t fix it if I don’t know what the specific issue is, or even if there is a specific issue.
5. Set a boundary regarding personal attacks.
A boundary serves as a filter. It allows people who are willing to abide by said boundary to be close to you.
I don’t like to think of a boundary as a wall, exactly. Because a boundary says, “You are allowed to have access to me under these conditions…” And you are well within your right to make those conditions: “I will not engage with you if you’re going to demean or insult me.”
If they start making personal attacks, then you enact whatever consequence you’ve decided is appropriate for the situation.
That may be hanging up the phone, walking away from an argument, not answering messages, or even ending the relationship altogether.
Your boundary gives them the choice: either treat me with respect when we have an issue, or I’m going. I’m not going to stand around for you to insult me.
6. Take a break when the conversation is no longer productive.
At some point, you may find yourself going round in circles with the person you’re arguing with. Tempers run hot, and sometimes people lose focus on the actual issue at hand. Or alternatively, they may just keep going back to personal attacks because they can’t think of what else to say.
Sometimes, you just need a break to clear your head and come back to it later.
Some people confuse this with the silent treatment. It’s not the same thing. The silent treatment is when someone refuses to speak to you as a punishment for a transgression.
This is not a punishment. This is a way to disrupt the spiraling energy that can happen in an argument, and you will come back to discuss it when everyone is calmer.
I would say something like, “Hey, I feel like we’re going in circles. Why don’t we take a break and come back to this later?” But then make sure you do actually come back to resolve it. Don’t just kick it down the road and forget about it. That will destroy the relationship.
7. Don’t make winning the goal.
Instead, focus on understanding what the issue is and why the argument is happening.
If you’re determined to win the argument, you can get trapped in the same kind of painful cycles that the other person is in. That’s not going to be good for either of you. All you end up doing is spiraling each other and making it worse and worse. You want to avoid that.
Instead of you versus me, I like to approach these situations as us versus the problem. Let’s identify the problem, see if we can find a solution or a compromise together, and then move on from this.
If you take that approach, there’s no reason to attack someone who’s on your side because there’s nothing to win. There’s only resolving the problem that caused the argument in the first place.
8. Decide what will happen if they don’t change.
As I’ve already mentioned, personal attacks require boundaries, but a boundary is nothing without a consequence.
Insults and demeaning behavior should be grounds for some severe action, like limiting their access to you.
The more that you engage with a person who tears you down, the more times you open yourself up to subconsciously believing them. You can start believing it if someone keeps telling you how stupid or worthless you are.
There’s no reason to hang around for that. All it will do is damage your mental health.
Final thoughts…
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed the way I interact with difficult people. I limit my exposure to people who need to throw insults to make their point because they just aren’t worth it.
But I know that sometimes you can’t avoid them. If you can’t avoid them, do make sure that you’re safe before diving into that discussion.
If someone is already angry and unhinged, you can’t ever be sure just how far they will go. That kind of behavior can lead to physical violence, so always err on the side of caution if you feel unsafe or unsure.
