Have you ever felt strange after someone helped you with something, almost like the help they offered didn’t feel quite right?
Sometimes, even though we can sense that something is off, we can only see it clearly in retrospect and acknowledge that what initially appeared to be helpful was, in fact, quite controlling.
As such, keep an eye out for the behaviors listed below, as they can offer subtle clues that someone’s ‘care’ is actually about directing your choices, not supporting them.
7 behaviors that often reveal control disguised as care:
1. Buying things for you, especially things you neither need nor want.
Sometimes, people seek to change others in their lives by subtly trying to influence their behavior. Buying “nice” or “thoughtful” gifts is one way they do this.
For example, someone might think they’re being cute by buying their “clueless” partner some new clothes that they’d like them to wear, or giving them a weekly planner to “help them” organize their life a bit better.
In addition to them attempting to control your appearance, interior decor, behavior, and so on, they often also keep a running tab.
That way, should they ask something of you that you have no interest in providing, they’ll quickly remind you of how much they’ve spent on lovely things for you, as well as how much effort they’re putting into helping you.
In other words: you owe them.
2. Making choices for you.
This can show up in any relationship where someone makes “helpful” choices on your behalf without consulting you first, but a classic example is that of narcissistic mothers who try to control their daughters.
It’s often referred to as “almond mom” behavior, and it usually revolves around food choices — whether at home or when the family goes out to eat.
For example, the mother in question may take the menu away from her daughter and inform the server what her child will be eating, even though said child is perfectly capable of ordering for herself.
If her daughter argues and says she wants something else, the mother will feign hurt and confusion, since that’s what she thought her daughter would want to have. After all, she’s “just trying to help and do something nice” by ordering a plain salad with poached chicken for her daughter instead of the burger she actually wanted.
There are two ways this will pan out: the daughter will either acquiesce to avoid causing a scene, or she’ll change the order and be picked on and insulted for the rest of the meal.
3. Interfering in your relationships.
There are few things as anger-inducing as when someone takes it upon themselves to get involved in your relationships.
This happened to me years ago, when “J”, a guy I thought was a good friend, informed my then-boyfriend, “M,” that he should break up with me so I could be with someone better.
M immediately asked me if I had put J up to this because I was too much of a coward to confront him myself, and I was shocked.
I confronted J, and he immediately played the victim and insisted he was “just trying to help” by protecting me from someone he felt was a bad influence in my life.
If M had just broken up with me as J had suggested, I would have never known what he had done.
It was only in retrospect that I realized that J had been dropping little negative suggestions about me breaking up with M for months before taking it upon himself to act on my behalf.
Similarly, you might notice someone who raises “concerns” about your own relationships. If you do, always think carefully about whose needs these comments are really serving.
4. Offering unsolicited advice (and guilt-tripping you if you don’t take it).
Of course, we all get carried away offering unsolicited advice from time to time, and often it is because we genuinely think we can help.
It’s what happens after that’s usually more telling.
For example, you might mention in passing that you’re planning a home renovation project, and this person immediately leaps in and tells you exactly how you should do it and how they can help — even if they have zero personal experience in that pursuit whatsoever.
Then, if you don’t take their suggestions or offer to help, they’ll act insulted.
Controlling people often do this when they aren’t involved in something you enjoy, but they want to take the reins because they think they know best.
They may or may not have any skill in this endeavor, but they certainly have a vision for it, and they want to be involved. And if you don’t follow their advice, they’ll sulk and guilt trip you by acting as though you’ve hurt them deeply by not appreciating their offer of help.
5. Do things for you that you’re perfectly capable of doing yourself.
Each of us has our own way of doing things. These techniques work well for us, and we might enjoy our processes immensely. Yet someone else might think that our approaches are “wrong” because we do them differently than they do.
As a result, they may try to forcibly change our ways by doing things for us that we aren’t just capable of doing on our own, but that we enjoy.
For example, they may start folding and putting away your laundry the way that they prefer, rather than letting you take care of that chore yourself. You can’t find anything because their “system” is completely different from yours, but they insist that it’s better.
Furthermore, if you refuse to do things the way they’re suggesting, they may try to shame you into submission so you’ll fall in line.
It’s worth keeping in mind that sometimes, this isn’t always a case of controlling behavior in the malicious sense. For example, autistic folk or those with anxiety are wired to need things done a certain way. It helps them to feel safe in a neurotypical world that is often overwhelming and unpredictable.
Compassion is therefore important here, but ultimately one person’s need to do something a certain way doesn’t mean they have the right to insist other people also do things that way, especially if it does not actually impact the outcome.
6. “Correcting” things for you.
People who try to control your life under the pretense of helping you will often try to “fix” things for you without asking, even when they don’t actually need fixing. In fact, their “help” may actually cause more problems
For example, many years ago, a friend of mine was quite surprised when the application she had sent to her university of choice was turned down. After all, she’d met with the dean beforehand and seemed to be a shoo-in.
As such, she contacted him and asked why her application had been denied. He responded that her application essay painted a very different picture of her, including several writing errors that put the rest of her application into question.
Believe it or not, it turned out that her mother had accessed her laptop the night before she sent it off and changed the essay so she came across as more “bubbly and ambitious.”
Fortunately, my friend was able to submit an earlier draft to the dean with a full explanation and got into the program after all, but that behavior on her mother’s part could have had dire consequences for the rest of her future career endeavors.
7. Making life decisions for you instead of respecting your autonomy.
This kind of “help” often shows up when someone decides they know what’s best for your life, even though you’re a sovereign adult.
For example, several years ago, I lost both of my elderly cats within a couple of months. They had been my constant companions for nearly 20 years, and I was gutted at the loss of them.
When I was ready to adopt another new friend, I found a rabbit on Kijiji who was in need of a home.
Since he was being fostered just around the corner from some of my older relatives, I asked if they could pick him up on the way to visit me, since they had planned to come and see me soon anyway.
They refused. Not because it wasn’t convenient for them, but because, they explained, they didn’t think I should have a rabbit, as it would chew through cords.
Despite my assurances that I had done my research, they doubled down and insisted that they knew what was best for me, a woman in my 40s.
So I went and got the little one myself, and he turned out to be the soul companion that I had always dreamed of.
Meanwhile, my relatives implied that I was ungrateful for the “help” they had tried to give me, and didn’t speak to me for ages.
Although their behavior was particularly ridiculous considering my age and life experience, controlling actions under the guise of help are unacceptable across the board, regardless of anyone’s life details.
Final thoughts…
Intention is everything, so it’s important to take a good look at the motivations behind people’s actions towards you.
Basically, you can usually tell the difference between sincere care and control by how the individual behaves when you push back.
Those who truly want to help you will respect your boundaries without arguing you down, nor will they imply that you’re being selfish or disrespectful by not accepting their assistance.
Even if you think someone has the best of intentions and you don’t want to believe otherwise, their response to your “no thank you” will generally show you exactly where their priorities lie.
