When people who were raised by narcissistic parents share stories with each other about what their family life was like, they’re often astonished to find out just how similar their experiences were. It almost seems as though their parents had a shared guidebook that they referred to regularly, since their actions mirrored each other’s so closely.
As such, those who were raised by narcissistic parents will undoubtedly recognize the following, or similar, phrases immediately, since they all seem to have used them on a regular basis:
1. “You’re so sensitive.”
Living with a narcissist is like walking around with permanent third-degree burns and waiting for them to slap some part of you. If they discover that their action hurts you, they’ll do it again, and again, and again, until you finally snap. At that point, they’ll inform you that you’re “too sensitive.” That you can’t take a joke, and are obviously overreacting to everything. It’s a classic form of gaslighting.
My narcissistic nightmare of a mother was a hairdresser who refused to let anyone else do my hair when I was growing up. If she wanted to punish me for some perceived wrongdoing, she’d insist on giving my hair “just a trim” and then chop several inches off, laughing at my distress. Or “accidentally” spill dye on it, so it was a blotchy mess. Naturally, I was considered oversensitive for getting upset at such things since “It’s just hair. It’ll grow back”.
2. “It didn’t happen that way — you’re remembering it wrong.”
Countless people who grew up with narcissistic parents end up questioning their sanity (or having multiple breakdowns) because their parents rewrite history as they see fit. If and when their children mentioned something upsetting that happened, they’ll insist that their kids are mistaken. That they’re remembering things incorrectly, and there’s something seriously wrong with them for even thinking that things unfolded that way.
This is why many children of narcissistic parents learn quite early to gather evidence when things go badly. That way, they can prove to both themselves and to others that they aren’t insane or just making things up, but that the situation unfolded exactly as described.
When faced with this evidence, the narcissistic parent will often abandon their initial gaslighting and proclaim that whatever happened was in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, and they don’t want to talk about it again. End of discussion.
3. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This non-apology serves a dual purpose: it allows a narcissistic parent to avoid accountability for their wrongdoing (thereby protecting their ego), and places the blame entirely back on their child by implying that they’re the problem for feeling unjustly treated.
If anything, the narcissistic parent may build upon this situation and behave as though they feel horribly slighted that their child would think so poorly of them as to believe that they were capable of what they were accused of.
They essentially force the child they harmed to pander to them with apologies and grandiose gestures to get back on their good side. For a while, at least.
4. “I didn’t know.”
Narcissistic parents often ignore their children’s health issues and general well-being because they automatically assume they’re overreacting about everything. Then, when they have to rush their kid to the hospital because their appendix burst or they nearly die of undiagnosed type-1 diabetes, they play the wide-eyed ignorant card. How on earth could they have known that something was wrong?!
Well, because their child tried telling them countless times that they were in pain or unwell, only to be ignored. What adds insult to injury is that even after a health issue is diagnosed, the parent won’t pay much attention to it — especially if it interferes with their life in any way.
They’ll do things like serve wheat items to a child with Celiac disease or tell their child with PCOS (now renamed to PMOS) that they just need to exercise more. When reminded of their offspring’s illness for the hundredth time, they’ll consistently behave as if it’s the first time they’ve ever heard of it, or imply that their kid is an attention-seeking hypochondriac.
5. “Do it for me?”
Narcissists are master manipulators, and narcissistic parents weaponize the love that’s supposed to exist between a child and a parent and use it as emotional leverage. They usually use this tactic when they want their child to do something that interferes with their kid’s own plans. Basically, they create a demand as a loyalty test, and if the child doesn’t drop their own desires to pander to the parent, then that’s proof that they don’t love them enough.
Many narcissistic parents will use this tactic when they’re pushing (or downright overstepping) their child’s healthy boundaries. They make themselves seem vulnerable, and act like their request is not too much to ask for everything they do for their child, is it?
A friend recently told me that her narcissistic ex uses this tactic to manipulate their son into massaging his feet, which makes their kid horribly uncomfortable. When confronted about how inappropriate this is, her ex acted horribly wounded and said that there was nobody else to do that for him, and he didn’t realize it was too much to ask of his only child.
6. “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
For a narcissistic parent, a crying child is an irritation that’s interfering with their life, rather than a serious issue to pay attention to. Whether it’s because of emotional distress or ill health, the crying is something they want to shut down immediately because it bothers them.
As such, they go the threatening route and imply that they’ll do something much worse to the child who’s already suffering if they don’t shut up immediately. This is especially true if the reason the child is crying is that they did something that directly hurt their child.
They refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing, and therefore threaten “real” pain because the weeping undermines the facade they’re cultivating.
7. “You owe me for everything I had to give up for your sake.”
Many (if not most) narcissistic parents blame their children for whatever makes them unhappy. They forget that by and large, they chose to have children: very few had parenthood forced upon them. As a result, making sacrifices and spending money to keep those children alive and relatively healthy was something they willingly signed up for.
Narcissistic parents keep a tab of all the things they had to pay for, give up, etc., because their annoying offspring had needs. They’ll record every time they had to buy new shoes, take their kid to the dentist, cut a shopping trip short because the kid needed a broken arm seen to, etc., and then use that as leverage in the future. In their mind, their child owes them for every inconvenience, and they’ll damn well be paid back for them.
8. “Why can’t you be more like _____?”
People who were raised by narcissistic parents have all been on the receiving end of this phrase. We were never the ideal children they ordered, and they invariably ask us why we couldn’t be more like one of our friends or classmates, or our golden child sibling, or some random TV character they developed a fondness for.
No matter how hard a child of a narcissist tries to be the best version of themselves — the version that their parents might actually love — they always fall short of the idealized mark. Their efforts are never acknowledged, nor are they complimented for any authentic traits. There’s always some better, more ideal version of them out there that their parents would have preferred instead of them.
9. “I know you better than you know yourself.”
Narcissists thrive on invalidating and controlling others, and few things are as effective at undermining someone else’s autonomy as making them think that they don’t know who they really are.
Narcissistic parents will inform their children of what they like and dislike instead of asking them, and will also tell them what they think and feel rather than listening to them.
They invalidate their children’s choices and preferences, and often force them into doing things they despise as a means of living vicariously through them. For example, they may force a tomboy daughter to take ballet because, of course, “they know what she really likes”, since they know her better than she does.
Final thoughts…
Being raised by a narcissistic parent can leave damage and scars that last a lifetime. If left untended, those wounds can fester and seep out into everyday life, such as causing paralyzing anxiety and depression that keep you from living to your potential. It’s difficult to heal from (and even escape from ) narcissistic abuse without help.
If you feel that you’re struggling due to the damage your narcissistic parent has inflicted upon you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental healthcare professional who can help you with vital tools so you can begin to heal properly.
