If you’re familiar with a life that didn’t go to plan, I want you to hang around, because by the end of this article, I hope you’ll feel like a normal human being, as opposed to a giant failure that time forgot.
Shame is that deep-seated belief that you’re flawed as a person. It tells you not that you made a terrible mistake (or series of mistakes) that led you to where you are now, but that you are a terrible mistake.
I’m here to tell you – yes, you – that you can kick that mindset to the curb with these 8 shifts.
If finding peace is what you want, then peace is what you can obtain.
8 mindset shifts to help you find peace with the way your life turned out:
1. Stop comparing your life with the one you wanted or thought you would have.
Guilty as charged.
I did this intermittently for years, as once upon a time I had dreams of becoming a drama teacher.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t raised in the kind of home where dreams were allowed, so I struggled for a long time to find an alternative career that suited, well, the dream-squasher.
It was only when I went no contact with that family member that I found the time and space to truly explore my options. I went to university, I got my degree, I started a career in writing (something I’ve always loved and done for fun).
I could have remained stuck comparing my life to the person I was when I wanted to teach, but instead I accepted that the past version of me doesn’t exist anymore, and I focused on becoming who I wanted to be now. I turned regret into opportunity.
(Plus, I realize I probably had a lucky escape – if you’re a teacher, I salute you.)
2. Let go of the belief that you should be at a certain stage by now.
Listen, I know gaming is a popular pastime for many, but we are not all avatars in Super Mario. Life isn’t about reaching a certain level at a certain time, and just because our age changes doesn’t mean we automatically rise to the next stage.
Other people are doing their own thing, and while they may be reaching goals that you share, or earning money you can only dream of, you’ll only harm yourself by making comparisons.
It is known as milestone anxiety, and it’s a pressure people put on themselves, where they feel they constantly fall short of where they ‘should be.’
“I should be…”
Most people suffer with these thoughts, if it makes you feel any better.
Still, letting go of that belief will not only unlock what you can achieve, but it will also help you take real steps toward your dreams and turn them into achievements. You’ll begin to see life as a process, rather than stages you ‘need to reach.’
3. Look at what your life contains, rather than what you think it lacks.
It’s pretty unlikely that your life contains nothing.
Think of it like this: You go to the supermarket for dinner, and you want to grab some beef to make a nice, slow-cooked chili. They don’t have beef, so you settle for chicken, and you make fajitas instead.
Do you go home and spend all night feeling terrible because you didn’t get the chili, or do you enjoy the fajitas?
Ok, so admittedly some people will be very upset about the chili that never was, and I am completely aware of how I am over-simplifying some very big things you may lack, but the bottom line is the same.
What’s to stop you from making chili tomorrow, or next week? What’s to stop you from going somewhere else to look for beef, or using beans to make it a veggie chili instead?
Life works similarly. What your life contains is different than what you might have planned, but different doesn’t have to mean bad. And if you really want what you feel you lack, figure out what that is, and use tomorrow as your driving force to work for it.
4. Stop assuming everyone else has got their life figured out.
Where do we get that from? I think social media has a lot to answer for when it comes to assuming everyone has the perfect life.
But remember: People only post what they want you to see.
Of course, you’re going to see your friend’s trip to Italy with funny, cute, whimsical reels. We aren’t going to see her and her partner arguing at 7 am because they both forgot to take the bins out. Nobody will see her job hunting because the job she brags about is highly stressful and underpaid.
The assumption that everyone around you has their life figured out is all well and good until they go home, close their doors, and release who they really are.
What is a house or a job anyway? Both could be taken from you tomorrow with one bad decision or event outside of your control.
The sign of a good life isn’t what you have; it’s who you are and how you treat not just other people, but also yourself.
5. Grieve the life you didn’t have, but don’t let grief turn into shame.
There is a difference between “I am so sad that I’m not right where I want to be” and “I didn’t get what I wanted because I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve any of it.”
The first is a version of grief; the second is a whole heavy version of shame that you have no place picking up.
You’re not unworthy of the life you’d planned just because it didn’t work out. Remember that there is so much that’s out of our control. Plus, I think the idea that our paths have to be all or nothing is wildly unrealistic
We get sidetracked, we lose focus, we veer off track, we stumble and fall, we get up again, we meet people, we get delayed. Our paths are our paths, whatever way we walk them, and however they bend and curve.
You have to invite what you want onto your path rather than assuming it will all come to you if you just stay on it.
Grieve the version of you that you didn’t become, but do it knowing that you don’t have to become a version filled with shame instead.
6. Remember that because your life is different, that doesn’t mean it’s failed (or that it’s over).
So your life went that way, when you wanted it to go this way. Okay. Let’s sit with that for a moment.
What did you learn, see, explore, feel, and think during this different life? Who did you meet? What job did you end up with?
You might not answer positively to all of those things, but if you honestly reflect on it, was it all a failure?
And if you honestly can’t answer positively to any of the above, then what’s the one thing you have right now?
Self-awareness!
You know what you want, what you don’t want, and you can still build one aspect of the life you wanted into the life you have, even if you start small.
All the while there’s air in your lungs, there’s hope in the air. You’re holding the pen to your book of life, and you can write whatever you want in it.
Find peace in who you are going to be in this next chapter, not who you wanted to be at the start of the book.
7. If you still want to achieve something, start today.
It’s like I’ve already said: you’re alive now.
People really underestimate this, and instead stay stuck dwelling on the regrets of the past.
I don’t think it’s the case for everyone, but I do think it’s easy to make excuses about why you can’t still make a start today and get working on whatever it is you want to get from life.
You have now. You (hopefully) have tomorrow. So what are you waiting for?
A life that you feel proud of can only become a reality if you start to build it. Whether that’s when you’re twenty-five or sixty-five, there is a version of what you want at your fingertips.
Are you willing to reach out and grab it?
8. Release the desire to make your shame ‘a beautiful disaster.’
When life doesn’t go to plan, often people will take one of two paths: they dwell in endless shame about it, or they romanticize it to avoid dealing with the shame.
The latter is what I want to focus on here.
It’s a little bit like driving along, listening to Nothing Compares 2 U on full blast with the windows down and the wind blowing through your hair. You’re feeling Sinead’s pain as that tear rolls down her cheek and it feels almost beautiful.
Only if this were real life (as it was for Sinead), it wouldn’t be quite so beautiful, would it?
Yet we do it all the time. It’s our brain’s way of trying to protect us by making our pain glossy, because that’s its job.
Accept that feeling ashamed is a season of your life, not the whole thing. It’s not a permanent crisis, and you don’t need to sugarcoat it.
Process it for what it was, then release it. Heal it.
Final thoughts…
My life hasn’t gone the way I’d hoped it would. I’ve been scared, and ashamed, and I’ve had my fair share of regrets, but I’ve made them smaller over the years because, well, what’s the point in them?
I’ve made peace using a blend of the above mindset shifts, and I hope that you’re able to do the same if you’re in that boat of shame right now.
It’s time to sail onward.
