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What To Do About A Relationship That Lacks Intimacy And Connection

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Your relationship lacks something.

That something is physical intimacy and/or an emotional connection.

Perhaps you feel unsatisfied and unhappy, and are questioning the very foundations of the bond you have with your partner.

Whilst there are any number of things that can go wrong in a committed, long-term relationship or marriage, problems with intimacy and connection are very common.

That doesn’t make them any less painful to live through, but it should also point to the fact that they can be overcome.

Truth is, many couples who experience a lack of physical or emotional intimacy at some stage of their relationship go on to make things work in the long run.

They find ways to rediscover and rebuild that connection.

And you can too.

If you would like to put the spark back into your relationship and regain some of the intimacy and connection that seems to have been lost, what can you do?

Well, to start with, you can follow this advice:

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you create the intimacy that is currently lacking in your relationship? You may want to try speaking to someone via for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

1. Lower Your Expectations

I know that doesn’t sound good. It makes it sound like I’m telling you to simply settle for the hand you’ve been dealt. But that’s not what I mean.

I don’t mean that your expectations should be low, per se, but they definitely shouldn’t be unrealistically high, either.

It’s important to remember that your physical relationship will probably never have quite the spark that it did when you first met.

That’s all down to pesky hormones that go crazy when you’re experiencing that first hit of love and lust, but naturally settle down a little once you’ve transitioned into a committed relationship.

After all, if we constantly lived in the state of restlessness that new love induces, we’d never get anything done.

If you expect it to be just as wild and passionate as it was when you first met, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.

You may well experience moments that hark back to the days when you were first getting to know each other, and you’ll continue to discover new things about each other as you both grow and your bodies and tastes change, but you can’t expect your physical relationship to go on being earth-shattering for years on end.

It’s also important not to let the idea that the media like to perpetuate (that if you don’t have a revolutionary sex life then you’re some kind of failure) affect you.

You shouldn’t be aiming for a physical relationship that meets those crazy standards, but rather one that makes you happy, that’s based on a true connection with and understanding of your partner.

You should also be keeping realistic expectations of the emotional intimacy too, because some people find that sort of connection more difficult than others.

Though it’s not always the case, men typically find emotional intimacy more of a challenge than women.

Understanding this and accepting it to some extent will allow you to be more reasonable in your beliefs of what an intimate relationship should look like.

2. Talk It Out

I know you already know how important communication is, but when it comes to tricky topics like sex, you might have been hoping that you wouldn’t have to sit down and have the big conversation about it.

However, sitting down together and having a discussion about how you’ve been feeling with regards to the physical intimacy and connection in your relationship really is the first step toward solving the problem.

You need to know that you’re both on the same page, that neither partner blames the other, and that you’re both committed to working on it.

Something that’s key here is to never have this conversation after you’ve been intimate with one another, as that’s a time when you’re both feeling a little vulnerable and, with all those hormones rushing around, emotions can easily run high.

3. Talk To A Therapist

Sometimes, a couple’s communication might not be quite good enough for them to simply sit down and talk about their issues.

In many cases, having a third party present can help to address the trouble a man and woman (or any combination thereof) might be having.

A relationship or sex therapist can lead the conversation to the most relevant issues, keep things on track if they start to go off topic, and act as a mediator in case of disagreements.

And they can provide specific advice to address the particular issues a couple may be facing.

Often, it will take multiple sessions over a period of time, but the results can often justify the investment.

4. Start Small

Physical intimacy isn’t all about sex. Things such as holding hands, making proper eye contact, touching their arm, or hugging are just as, if not more, important.

It’s those tiny gestures that you make on a daily basis that let your partner know that you really care and keep the connection strong.

5. Get Romantic

Romance isn’t about flashy gestures. It’s about enjoying the beauty in life and each other’s company at the same time.

Busy as I’m sure you are, it’s important to carve out some time for each other, and show your partner that you’ve genuinely put some thought in.

Take a little extra time to cook them a special meal, just because. Get creative and think outside the box. Take your partner for a picnic at a spot with a view. Watch the sunset. Show them that you’re happy just spending time in their company, and want to make memories.

6. Break Your Routine

Those examples of romantic gestures are just some of the ways that you can interrupt the pattern your life has gotten into.

A routine brings with it many benefits, especially when life is hectic with kids or other duties that need to be taken care of.

But a routine also allows you to coast through life without really paying attention to what’s happening. It’s an autopilot of sorts.

In terms of a relationship, you might not even realize that the emotional and physical intimacy has dwindled.

So, take as many opportunities as you can to break with your routine and do things that are new and different. Or, at least, things that you don’t do very often.

Visit new places together, try new activities, meet new people as a couple, expand your cultural horizons…

…do anything that makes you and your partner notice each other again instead of drifting through life as mere co-passengers.

Emotional intimacy is sure to grow again once you escape the monotony of a routine-driven life.

7. Do Things Apart

As much as doing new things together can bring the two of you closer, you should also take some time to do things apart.

This is especially helpful if you and your partner spend almost all of your free time together. You may believe that this is a sign of a loving relationship, but space and freedom to pursue things on your own is vital for each person’s emotional well-being.

It gives you time to miss each other and makes you appreciate what you have when you return to it.

And it takes the pressure off in terms of being in each other’s pockets all the time.

8. Be The One To Open Up First

Often, when one partner begins to close off his or her emotions slightly, the other person follows suit.

It’s an almost natural reaction. We tend to mirror those around us, and if our partner gives less emotionally, we give less back in return.

It’s the same with any form of emotional expression (or non-expression). Anger breeds anger. Joy breeds joy. Sadness breeds sadness.

The solution is to open yourself back up again and let your partner see this and mirror you in turn.

You have to remove any walls that you have built and keep displaying your emotions and love for them as much as possible.

By offering your emotional warmth to them, your partner will feel less anxious about the relationship and more able to open up once again.

Make a safe space for your partner to truly be themselves around you and the emotional intimacy and connection will follow naturally.

And this almost always leads to greater physical intimacy too.

9. Be Supportive And Encouraging

As and when your partner shows hints of vulnerability by expressing their emotions or opening up in some other way, show that you appreciate this effort and be wholly positive about the experience.

Your partner needs to understand that you will support them no matter how difficult the process may be.

The more they see that they are not in this alone, and the safer they feel opening up, the further they will push their emotional boundaries.

Try to let them go at their own pace. If they have been emotionally withdrawn for a while or if they have been like that for as long as you have known them, it will take a while for them to gain enough confidence in their ability to be emotionally close to you.

10. Take Care Of Yourself

In the modern world, with advertising and Instagram, there’s an awful lot of pressure to look a certain way, so I’m certainly not going to add to that.

Beauty is not one-size-fits-all, and you shouldn’t be trying to match up to unrealistic standards.

However, rejecting beauty standards doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look after yourself.

Taking a little bit of extra care over the way you dress and your personal grooming can make a huge difference, as if you don’t feel attractive, then you’re likely to transmit that to your partner.

After all, as we’ve all been told many times, it’s difficult to accept love from someone else if you don’t love yourself.

Do things that make you feel good, whether that’s as simple as taking time for yourself, having a bath, booking a spa day, eating food so nourishing it leaves you bursting with energy, or exercising in a way that leaves you feeling fabulous.

Exercise isn’t about achieving a certain body type, as fit comes in all shapes and sizes. Exercising means you’ll have more energy and generally a more optimistic outlook on life, which is attractive in anyone’s book.

When you look in the mirror, focus on the things you love, rather than the things you might change.

At the same time, make sure you support your partner when they’re doing things for themselves, and don’t forget to tell them how beautiful they are, inside and out.

11. De-stress

It’s hard to connect with your partner when all you can think about is the pile of work waiting on your desk the next morning, or when you are constantly checking your work emails.

Chances are your partner knows you better than anyone, so they’ll be able to tell a mile off when you’re not really in the room with them. 

All areas of your life will improve when you’re not stressed, not just your connection with your partner. You ought to make it a priority.

Let off steam through exercise and find an activity that helps you calm your hectic mind, whether that’s yoga, journaling, meditation, or just reading a good book.

You owe it to your partner to be fully present when you’re with them and give them all the attention they deserve.

12. Don’t Expect Change Overnight

Good things come to those who wait. Make a conscious effort to put the tips above into practice in your relationship, but don’t expect instant results. With time and patience, that intimacy you’re craving will flourish once again.

And you’ll probably find that one type of intimacy leads to another. So if it’s easier to begin with the more physical side of things (and we’re not just talking sex), then do that.

Or if you want to grow the emotional side of things first to help address the physical distance between you, that approach should also work.

Still not sure what to do about the intimacy issues in your relationship? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out.

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About The Author

Katie is a writer and translator with a focus on travel, self-care and sustainability. She's based between a cave house in Granada, Spain, and the coast of beautiful Cornwall, England. She spends her free time hiking, exploring, eating vegan tapas and volunteering for a local dog shelter.