Almost everyone who has ever existed on this beautiful planet had an idea of the kind of life they hoped to live, but very few have gotten everything they wished for. Or, if they managed to manifest as many of their dreams as possible, they discovered that the dreams were much more appealing than reality.
Unfortunately, we don’t get do-overs, and as such, many people mourn the lives they didn’t live and all the people they could have been. But that’s just a recipe for wasting the life you do have left. Here’s how to let go of regret for what didn’t pan out, and prioritize the life you’d like from here onwards.
1. Recognize the past daydreams for what they were.
When the average person experiences disappointment because something they hoped for didn’t work out, they’re sad because their daydream didn’t become a reality. The thing is, there was no guarantee that the dream would have brought them happiness anyway. Furthermore, that happiness might have come at a terrible cost.
The sadness that comes from losing non-tangible things, such as the daydreams of our imagined future, is called “non-finite grief”. It refers to the mourning associated with hopes that get dashed, rather than tangible loss like the death of a loved one. It can be much more difficult to work through than tangible grief because there’s no gravestone to visit, nor physical items to discard ritualistically.
This is where lists of “real vs. ideal” can help. Write down all the things you dreamed of experiencing and be honest with yourself about which of those were actually attainable. Include relationships that were unviable, and goals that you now realize were unrealistic or that would have come at the expense of something else. Then, write a new list full of the things that you can attain, and that will bring you great joy. Burn the one full of past goals that are no longer an option, and create a vision board with the new ones you’d like to aim for instead.
2. Focus on “what is” rather than “what could have been.”
This is especially true if the life you wanted to live is no longer possible because of things that are beyond your control. For example, a person who always wanted to be an athlete but suffered permanent physical damage in a car accident.
Instead of mourning the “what ifs,” focus entirely on what is and what you can do. Something I used to do when I was recovering from a serious injury was to look in the mirror and say, “This is what I have to work with today”, and then do the best with what I had.
The road ahead of you doesn’t have a block on it: it has simply forked into different routes for you to choose from. Take stock of which seems more appealing, and then determine which you’d like to pursue.
3. Let go of anger and resentment towards those you believe kept you from living your dreams.
When our dreams don’t play out the way we’d like, we often feel immense amounts of resentment and anger towards those who may have contributed to the loss of the lives we weren’t able to live.
Some people blame their parents for not doing the things that would have helped them achieve their goals. Others lay responsibility at the feet of former friends, partners, teachers, or potential employers.
Gautama Buddha once said: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Your anger (and possible bitterness) isn’t going to change the past — all it does is affect the present, making you miserable instead of allowing you to move forward.
Whatever the people in your past did or didn’t do, in your mind, it’s time to take power over your life away from them and put it back into your own hands.
4. Create a closure ritual for yourself.
If you’ve been daydreaming of a particular type of life for quite a while, it’s possible you’ve collected items associated with that vision. For example, a person who’s been dreaming of moving to a particular country for most of their life might have guidebooks for that country, as well as postcards, recipe books, and so on.
If you still have all the items you’ve amassed to support your dream life, the one you didn’t live and is no longer on the table for whatever reason, then they’re tethers that are best gotten rid of. It can be helpful to create a ritual for yourself in which you gather up the pieces of this unlived life and rid yourself of them. Bury them in a chest in the yard, donate them to a thrift shop, burn them if it’s safe to do so, etc. This sets you free from them and allows you to move forward with a clean slate.
5. Prioritize the things that are most important to you, and envision a path forward with them.
When you think about the life you didn’t live (but always wanted to), take stock of which aspects of it were the most important. For example, did you always want kids but never had any? Or you dreamed of owning and decorating a home of your own, but now that seems beyond your reach?
Your life isn’t over yet. If you’d still like to take care of and raise children, but you can’t have your own anymore, you can apply to be a foster parent. Similarly, if the real estate market where you currently live makes home ownership beyond your reach, consider buying property in a place that’s significantly more affordable.
6. Build a new “you.”
The person you’ve been up until this point may be strongly tied to the vision of your unlived life. Now that you’re letting go of the version of yourself who’d be living your imaginary life, it’s time for you to re-envision the person you want to be for the rest of your life. What have you held back from because it didn’t fit in with your previous vision? Or what have you been repressing that now you’re free to step into?
Here’s an example: you might have spent years pursuing professional goals that never aligned with your soul, but would have given you the prestige, wealth, and luxury lifestyle that you daydreamed about. As such, you chose clothing, entertainment, and home goods that reflected the lifestyle you were cultivating. But were any of those things really sincere? Maybe now, you dream of a gentler, quieter, slower life without neckties or high heels. A life of comfortable clothing, wholesome meals, and a partner with traits you sincerely prefer. It’s time to build that new you.
7. Focus on one tangible thing at a time instead of repeating the pattern of pre-dreaming your future.
A lot of the time, the reason it hits us so hard when our life plans get derailed is that we allow ourselves to get carried away “pre-dreaming” them. We think so far into the future about how we’d like things to pan out and then pin all our hopes on that. It’s no surprise then that we’re bitterly disappointed when things don’t go to plan.
As such, whilst you’re building the life that’s still ahead of you, don’t make the same mistake twice. Do your best to remain as present as possible this time rather than allowing yourself to live in the land of possibility ahead of you. That way, if the next step doesn’t pan out, it doesn’t also topple the dozens of steps you had already envisioned, creating a cascade of grief to hurt you further.
For example, say your old life plan didn’t work out, and your new life plan is to start a business around your favorite craft endeavor. Focus on each small step at a time: creating a certain number of craft items, and setting up a website, Etsy page, etc. Don’t get ahead of yourself, envisioning yourself making thousands of sales, thus allowing you to move to a tropical paradise to retire, and so on. Make small, tangible, attainable goals, and move forward step by step.
8. Make a “why” the impetus behind your forward momentum.
Whereas the previous vision of your life might have revolved around achievement (hence the high degree of mourning for not attaining it), aim now to base the rest of your life on a purpose or cause that’s important to you.
Just about all of us have something that means the world to us. Some people have a deep spiritual connection, while others are protective about one vulnerable group or another or passionate about something they’ve always considered a side project.
As you create the life that’s ahead of you, think about the things you’ve done “on the side” and consider making them your vocation instead. After all, it’s rather nice to spend the rest of your life doing something that fuels your soul and makes the world a better place in the process, isn’t it?
Final thoughts…
It may seem trite, but sometimes not getting everything we wanted is a much greater blessing than if we’d received it. This may not be terribly reassuring if you feel seriously down about how your life panned out, but it is something to keep in mind.
Furthermore, none of us knows what “might have been”. Do your best to let go of the daydreams and place all your energy on building the best path forward. Your story didn’t end simply because the plot changed. Instead, you have a fresh page to start writing your tale anew, starting now.
