Death is something that each and every one of us will have to deal with eventually. That said, people think about death in different ways, and their perspectives are often influenced in no small part by those around them.
People who don’t have children often think about death quite differently than those who do, albeit in ways that others may find surprising. I spoke with dozens of people who never had kids, and was surprised to see the commonalities that many of them shared with regard to their perspectives on death, dying, and the afterlife.
1. They have no worries about their children’s well-being after they’re gone.
One of my closest friends has a son with severe cerebral palsy. He’s completely paralysed and has to be fed through a tube, and she’s terrified of what will happen to him once she and her husband are gone. They have contingency plans and financial savings for his long-term care, but the reality of his potential struggles after she dies weighs heavily upon her.
Those of us without children aren’t weighed down with the pressure to ensure that our kids are well taken care of after we pass. That’s one major stress off our shoulders: we don’t have to do a mountain of paperwork so our assets land in the right hands, nor do we feel guilty for not leaving an inheritance for anyone.
2. They have fewer concerns about “missing out” on important milestones.
When people without children are facing their own mortality, they often think about all the things they’ll be missing out on after they pass. While they may lament the fact that they’ll never read the final book in a series (looking at you, Patrick Rothfuss) or won’t be able to watch a movie that’s coming out in a few years, these disappointments don’t revolve around major milestones in their children’s lives.
They aren’t going to miss their children’s weddings, nor will they miss the opportunity to be present at their grandchildren’s births, nor spoil the little ones at birthdays and family gatherings over the years. The only milestones they may get nostalgic about missing are their own, such as potentially not making it to age 100.
3. They have less fear of death generally.
Most of the childless (or intentionally child-free) people I spoke with have significantly less fear of death than those who have had kids. Some have prioritized spiritual pursuits and are confident and secure in their inevitable death journeys, while others are simply more curious as to what the process will entail, rather than being terrified of it.
They can make plans for palliative and hospital care, as well as living wills about pain management or assisted dying, without having to worry about disappointing or upsetting their offspring with their plans.
The same curiosity extends to the possibility of life after death. Many people who have children are terribly anxious about whether they’ll see their families again in some kind of afterlife, whether it’s a heaven-type situation or a reincarnation scenario.
Those who don’t have children, however, are more curious about what may lie on the other side. They may hope to see beloved pets again, as they bonded with animals rather than human children, but they’re far more open to the possibility than attached to a particular outcome.
4. Their focus is on a legacy of their own making, rather than via descendants.
Those who have children often feel that their legacy is in their descendants. This is particularly true for those who either built up businesses or accrued wealth, or those who inherited them from their predecessors and hope (or expect) that their children will either carry these accomplishments onward, or remember their ancestors for generations to come.
People who haven’t had kids often choose to leave their mark with their creative endeavors or philanthropic pursuits. Some create a huge body of music, art, or literature over the course of their lives, while others may establish a charitable foundation so that all the money they earned can pay off medical or student debt once they die. Their legacies are through their own actions, not the DNA they’ve passed on.
5. They have fewer attachments to let go of.
When most people think about death, they feel fear about losing things that are important to them. For those who have children, the fear of losing the people they care about the most — namely, not being able to see them and spend time with them on a regular basis — fills them with despair and dread.
Those who don’t have children don’t experience this quite as much. They may have friends and partners whom they love dearly, but as they get older and lose those closest to them, those attachments become fewer. That makes “letting go” a lot easier as age progresses.
6. They may have more fears about being forgotten.
In contrast to those who have fewer attachments because they don’t have children, others may be terrified of being forgotten because there aren’t many people close to them who will remember them once they’re gone. Sure, they may be remembered fondly by some of their friends, but those friends will die eventually, too.
A lot of people tell stories about their great-great-grandparents, but few share tales about their grandparents’ cool friends or neighbors. Some people who fall into this category write autobiographies so others will remember who they were, or do things like pay for a star or a plant cultivar to be named after them. Then at least their names will be remembered for generations to come.
7. They have no anxiety about their children dying before them.
It’s a difficult truth that nobody knows how much time they have left here, and many parents end up outliving their own children. This is a devastating thing for a parent to experience, and many never get over that kind of traumatic loss.
Those who don’t have children aren’t wracked with worry about their adult children whenever something potentially bad happens in their vicinity. Those with kids often express that their worst fear is the possibility of their child/ren dying before they do. Non-parents may worry about their spouse going first, or how much it’ll hurt if their friends pass unexpectedly, but the fear of losing their kids isn’t perpetually percolating in their subconscious.
8. They may worry more about potentially dying alone.
Many of us have sat with relatives as they shifted into active dying: holding their hands, singing to them, telling them stories, and so on. Those who have done so often envision their own deaths similarly, namely with their children and grandchildren keeping vigil as they pass.
As such, some people who chose not to have kids (or were never able to do so) are afraid of dying alone, since they don’t have these types of relationships to lean upon. Some ask friends or extended family members to be with them when they pass, but those who don’t have close relationships are often quite nervous as their time approaches.
It’s important to note here that many hospices and hospitals worldwide have “No One Dies Alone” (NODA) programs, in which dedicated volunteers spend time with those who are dying if they don’t have close family members or friends to sit with them. Many spiritual organizations also offer similar services. Depending on the individual’s denomination, they may have spiritual leaders, laypeople, or even thanadoulas (death midwives) who will remain by their sides as they transition.
Final thoughts…
The perspectives here aren’t necessarily shared by all the people without children. Every individual is different, and there are as many views about death as there are individual human beings on the face of the Earth.
Talking about death used to be seen as taboo, but thanks to more open dialogue and meetups like “death cafes,” people are getting much more comfortable discussing how they feel about their mortality. If it’s a topic that you feel is important for you to discuss with those close to you, definitely make a point of doing so.
